Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 23rd February 2020

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 23^rd February 2020

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                              

1.      Once again D-Town residents have been caught totally by surprise by the advent of the season often referred to as “Winter”.  It has come as a complete shock that it can rain a bit in February, as well as being a bit cold.  Big coats, gloves and scarves are highly recommended, together with hats and properly-soled shoes.  Umbrellas may also be required.  A public information campaign will be mounted shortly warning citizens that seasons known as “Spring” and “Summer” are predicted to follow in the next few months.  Big coats may not be needed, particularly in August.  Who knew?

2.      And in other news the DBC (Devizes Broadcasting Corporation) has come under attack from the Lord Mayor and the Town Council.  The DBC has been accused of being “institutionally biased” towards rural issues.  There is now a threat that the DBC Licence Fee could come to an end, to be replaced by a subscription service on the Netflix model.  The council is also said to be looking at opening a video rental store on the Blockbuster model, a financial services outlet on the Pawnbroker model, and a food-bank on the Workhouse model.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 5th January 2020

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 5^th January 2020

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                              

1.      Tensions with Trowvegas were ratcheted up another notch this week when a local youth was pre-emptively thrown off the 49 bus at Semington, allegedly for chewing gum without a permit.  The Revolutionary Guard of Trowvegas have expressed outrage and have threatened retaliation, but the a statement issued by D-Town’s mayor said that the action had been taken not to start a war, but to prevent one.  Local civic leaders from other towns and villages have expressed dismay that they were not informed prior to the youth-ejection.

2.      2020 has kicked off with a range of Uanuaries.  Added to Dryanuary  and Veguanuary, The Vize has taken up Tryanuary (try as many alcoholic drinks as you can), Fryanuary (eat a full English every day), Cryanuary (for snowflakes only), Pryanuary (set up your own Neighbourhood Watch scheme) and Whyanuary (why do any of us really bother, honestly?).

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

Crappy Himbo!

Crappy Himbo to my loyal reader(s)!!!

May you live in interesting times!

May the bird of paradise fly up your nose!

May an elephant caress you with his toes!

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 18th March 2018

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 18^th March 2018

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

1.  The political heat in the region was raised again this week as D-Town expelled 23 Trowvegas so-called “diplomats” as a sanction against the wicked regime there that had sent dirty, unwashed buses to the Market Place on the 49 bus route.  As expected, Trowvegas immediately retaliated by cutting the 19.07 service altogether, and by making the 20.07 service stop at Melksham.  A meeting of D-Town’s Open Security Session (DOSS) will meet later today.

2. Members of The Vize community were saddened this week to hear of the death of a man who contributed so much to modern scientific culture.  Coming from poor circumstances, he overcame personal health issues to become a master of calculating numbers, the science of trajectories, and the popularisation of game theory, and all of this delivered with urbane charm and (some would say) wit.  Through the use of modern technology he became a national treasure.  Yes we will certainly miss Jim Bowen.

3. For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2018

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 7th January 2018

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 7^th January 2018

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                                  

1.      In light of the forthcoming wedding of the posh bloke in the Big House to the foreign D-List Celebrity, the Town Council have decided to clean up the streets of D-Town in preparation.  The homeless, scammers, beggars, double-glazing salespeople, those sleeping rough, and the destitute will be swept up in a concerted operation next week before being placed in a skip for recycling.  Cars parked for too long will be towed away and crushed.  Pensioners are being warned not to linger too long outside shop windows, and young mothers are being advised to never let go of the handles of baby buggies.

2.      And the leader of the Town Council has been strongly criticised for attempting to suppress a new book regarding his habits in the Town Hall (the big white building on Long Street).  In a stunning expose, the book lifts the lid on the daily life of this major leader of the Free World.  He is said to go to bed very early each day, including some days before he has even got up.  It is also reported that he eats pizza in bed and spends most of his time on the phone to other civic leaders.  He is alleged to have told the Mayor of Trowbridge that he has a much bigger belly-button than him.  No form of literature was used in the publishing of this book.

3.      For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2018

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 31st December 2017

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 31^st December 2017

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                                  

1.      Civic pride was at its highest this week as the Queen’s New Year’s Honours List was revealed.  There were gongs for a wide range of people, but none more highly deserved than the one for Hugh Jarse (services to goat-nadgering) and Eileen Dover (fifty years a madam at the Klassy Kafe & Punishment Emporium).  A wide range of Old Year celebrations will be taking place in D-Town tonight, capped off by a floodlit display of horse massage in Hillworth Park, accompanied by the exciting sounds of Phil MacCavity and his Civic Syncopaters.

2.      And The Vize has much to look forward to in the New Year of 2018.  There will be progress in discussions for the borough to leave the Wiltshire Union (Drexit), the building of an international airport out on the bypass (planning permission pending), and the launch of the town’s first space mission to the Sun.  This latter project will be carried out on a tight budget.  It will avoid the huge expenses normally required for massive heat shields against terrifying temperatures, and advanced light filters against blinding brilliance, by only flying at night.

3.      For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OUR READERS!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 24th December 2017

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 24^th December 2017

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                                  

1.      Huge rejoicing in the borough this week, as the most significant announcement of modern times was made.  In an attempt to cheer up the citizens of D-Town, and to curb the depressing fall in morale regarding Drexit negotiations, the leaderene of the Town Council has promised that there will be a return to war-time identity cards, white fiver-pound notes, the farthing coin, poor sanitation and rickets.  Setting the clock back seventy or eighty years will coincide with the re-introduction of a hard border at the entrance to the town.  Unfortunately the steam-train service will not be restored as someone has filled in all the tunnels, ripped down the bridges and built a housing estate over the land where the station used to be.  A replacement bus service would just not have the right ring to it.

2.      And finally, police in The Vize have advised citizens of the town to be on the look-out tonight for a shady character, often dressed in red & white, who may attempt a series of daring house-burglaries during the evening.  His vehicle, a reindeer-powered sleigh, is often parked on the roofs of houses as he enters the premises via the chimney stack.  He is known to target mince pies and glasses of sherry carelessly left out by house-holders.  He carries out careful research and is known to be well-informed as to which children living at each address have been bad or good.  Police added, in a further warning, that they were aware of his plans, that you’d better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, and they are telling you why.  He is apparently making a list and checking it twice, that he’ll find out who's naughty and nice.  He also sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.

3.      For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 17th December 2017

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 17^th December 2017

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                                  

1.      Major disappointment was felt this week as the news that the rich man’s wedding to the celebrity at the big house will be held next year on the same Saturday as the West Wiltshire Germolene League (Northern Section)’s Cup Final.  Not only will there be no extra time off work, but families across the borough will clearly be torn apart by conflicting loyalties.  Special counselling services are to be set up to help people at this difficult time, and special prayers will be said in D-Town’s cathedral for deliverance from these dark days.

2.      And, in a major break-through moment in Drexit negotiations, it has been agreed in principle, subject to several pages of caveats, and conditional upon the support of the D-Town Unionist Party (DUP), that the composition of the red line which marks the border between the town and the village of Potterne, will be a soft pencil drawing on a piece of paper to be held in a “strong and stable” filing cabinet in a locked room in the Town Hall.  But, as is usual in these situations, it has been agreed that nothing is agreed until everything is agreed.  Perhaps.  Maybe.

3.      For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 10th December 2017

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 10^th December 2017

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                                  

1.      Sad days in the The Vize as citizens came on to the streets in their tens to protest in the strongest terms against what they see as apostasy.  Apparently some bigwig outside the County, in a land far away, has decided to recognize Trowbridge as the true spiritual capital of Wiltshire, claiming long-standing historical & political precedent.  He also announced that, as a sign of this change, they would be moving their official Embassy from D-Town to the new capital.  In other news a small shop unit in The Brittox, with accommodation above, has just become available for rent.  Contact letting agents Hugh Cares for details.

2.      And for the 643^rd year in a row, D-Town has been taken completely by surprise that in Winter it is very cold, rains a lot, and occasionally snows.  The onset of bad conditions is said to have shocked local councillors who, as ever, were completely unprepared for poor weather.  In an attempt to ensure that there are no further surprises, citizens have been notifying their representatives that it’s Christmas in a couple of weeks’ time, and that a “New Year” will start approximately one week later. 

3.      For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 3rd December 2017

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 3^rd December 2017

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                                  

1.      Church bells rang out merrily across the borough, and people joyfully filled the streets, as the news was handed down from the Town Hall that some rich bloke in the Big House at the top of Privilege Lane had become engaged to a nanny goat.  D-Town has a long history of goat-bothering, and this latest example of marrying into livestock will come as a welcome addition to the catalogue of cross-species matings in the The Shire.  A lot has been made in the local press of the goat’s “mixed heritage”, but this is not expected to affect the couple’s future happiness.

2.      And further good news in the world of sport.  The Vize has been handed a ticket through to football glory when the draw was made for the group stages of the Germolene Cup (West Wilts section), by ending up in a group of much lesser teams.   Vize manager, Benny Dogleash, said he was pleased by the draw and the prospect of not leaving the competition in the first stages (as usually happens), although he later admitted that he was worried about the threat posed by underdog teams such as Potterne, who have a very fat goalkeeper, and Rowde, who are reputed to have a centre forward of above average height.

3.      For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 12th November 2017

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 12^th November 2017

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                                  

1.      Elections for the Town Council have been thrown into disarray after it was revealed that none of the nominated candidates has met the required standard.  None has been prosecuted for fiddling their expenses, none have been charged with sex-pest crimes, and none are known to have served a criminal sentence at Her Majesty’s Pleasure.  One disgruntled resident described the situation as “disappointing.  You come to expect a certain level of malfeasance amongst our elected representatives, but this lot don’t even have a parking fine to show for themselves.”

2.      And the leaderene of the Town Council, Theresa Green, had her position described as being “up The Kennet & Avon Canal without a Patel” after the widely-expected sacking of the Minister for outer-Vize Development.  It was described by the Official Opposition for Personal Security (OOPS) as “a Priti poor situation”.  No comedians  were harmed in the cracking of these jokes.

3.      For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Monday 23rd October 2017

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Monday 23^rd October 2017

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                                  

1.      Storm Brian whirled into D-Town yesterday causing widespread mayhem and panic.  In Long Street a rubbish bin was blown slightly to the right.  On the Crammer the rowing boats had to cope with waves almost four inches high.  But there were no shipwrecks, and nobody drownded – in fact nothing to laugh at all.  And at Number 87 High Street Mrs Eileen Dover noticed that the cat-flap in her kitchen door was making a bit of a noise.  Coming as it did exactly thirty years after the Great Hurricane of 1987, residents had feared the worst.  However Brian proved to be a bit of a pussycat.  Future storms code-named Cecil, Daisy, Eamonn and Fanny are not expected to imbue much in the way of terror.  A storm later in the named sequence, Skull-Smasher, is however expected to be a bit more of a problem.

2.      Whilst Brian was still putting his trousers on, that one-woman hysterical storm that is Ophelia was busy causing mayhem by picking up a bit of Saharan dust on the way through and turning The Vize’s sky a bit orangey.  Some thought it was more sort of yellowey, others that it was “just a bit dark”.  The local branch of the Armageddon-Is-Coming Society naturally went into its twice-yearly meltdown, but yet again was disappointed with the outcome of Monday when the End Of Days turned out to be merely a normal Tuesday.

3.      For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 8th October 2017

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 8^th October 2017

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                                  

1.      The annual meeting of the Torpid, Rather Indifferent & Politically Evasive party (TRIPE) in the public bar of The Mangy Mongrel in Haemorrhoid Street was thrown into uproar when its less-than-charismatic leader, Teresa Green, developed a terminal case of consumption right in front of the delegates’ eyes and promptly died on the spot.  Paramedics did not rush to assist, as they were on strike at the time.  The leader-in-waiting, Doris Bonce-on, was inspecting his fingernails at the time, and failed to notice that his leaderene had collapsed into a fatal decline.  A TRIPE spokesman later welcomed the return of Victorian values and illnesses, such as consumption, typhoid, diphtheria and rickets, and noted that it demonstrated that TRIPE policies were finally working.

2.      Meanwhile, in the real world, following the overwhelming referendum vote by the people of The Vize to break away from the central control of Wiltshire, the Town Council is planning to announce its move to complete independence next week.  The central authorities, based in distant Trowbridge, are expected to declare the plan constitutionally illegal, and to move Tory storm-troopers into the town to restore order, and to take back control.

3.      For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 1st October 2017

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 1^st October 2017

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                                  

1.      The death was announced this week of Hugh Jarse, publisher, bon viveur, entrepreneur , and porn industry king at the age of sixty-nine (or “soixante-neuf” as he liked to claim).  Variously claimed to be a liberator of pubic morals, D-Town playboy, and publisher of the hugely controversial naked centre-fold spreads in the Gazette & Herald (The Vize edition), he ended his days in relative obscurity, working as a checkout operator in Morrisons.  No barcodes were harmed in the reporting of this story.

2.      The party political conference season is now in full swing.  D-Town is under full military lock-down as it hosts the annual meeting of the Torpid, Rather Indifferent & Politically Evasive party (TRIPE) in the public bar of The Mangy Mongrel in Haemorrhoid Street.  At least two police officers have offered to “keep an eye” on the place, just in case trouble breaks out.  This is thought to be most likely when it is time for the leader, Ivor Biggun, to get his round in.  The bar-keeper’s name is Mike.

3.      For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 24th September 2017

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 24^th September 2017

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                                  

1.      Thousands of citizens of the borough had their lives turned upside down this week when the Town Council announced that it would not be renewing the Licence To Operate of Fred’s Taxi.  It is thought that up to one person could lose their job if this draconian ruling is not reversed.  Only last night a couple were forced to catch the 49 bus to get home, and a group of revellers were forced to walk all the way across the Market Place just to get from one pub to another.  Nearly seven people have now signed a protest petition.

2.      And, in another transport-related story, D-Town’s international airline, Brian-Air was forced to apologise on Thursday when it admitted that it had completely forgotten that its only pilot, Ben Dover, was due to take his annual holiday in East Grinstead next week, thus throwing their entire time-able into chaos.  Up to one flight may have to be cancelled.  A replacement bus service to Swindon has now been arranged for the one passenger who had been booked on the cancelled service.  No airstrips were harmed in the writing of this story.

3.      For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 10th September 2017

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 10^th September 2017

Here is our weekly round-up of events from Devizes:

                                                  

1.      More climate change problems for citizens of D-Town as Hurricane Beyonce ripped through parts of the borough last week.  People out on small rowing boasts on The Crammer said that it had been “a bit choppy”, a shop-keeper’s sign blew over in Sidmouth Street, and there were reports of an outhouse door banging in the breeze.  Civic forces are on stand-by in case it rains or gets a bit chilly.  People were advised to “wrap up warm” and to go about their daily business as if nothing out of the ordinary were happening.

2.      And a minute’s silence was held in the aisles of Poundland yesterday as citzens struggled to come to terms with their grief after the announcement that walnut whips are shortly to lose their walnuts.  The new confection, to be known simply as a “Whip” is expected to have more bite to it, and serve as a punishment for those who struggle with weight problems.  In other news the milk is to be removed from a Milky Way (which will become A Way), the toffee from Toffee Crisp (new name A Crisp) and the lions from Lion Bar (new name a Bar).

3.      For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 3rd September 2017

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 3^rd September 2017

Here is our weekly round-up of events from Devizes:

                                                  

1.      A Civic State of Emergency was declared in D-Town this week when the water levels in the Crammer and the canal rose by nearly three inches.  Narrowboat owners were forced to shorten their ropes, and resident swans and ducks found that they had slightly less shoreline to play with.  Panic was narrowly avoided when a drain in Maryport Street, which had been briefly blocked and had overflowed, was cleared by an elderly man wielding his walking stick.  The grass on the The Green was really quite wet for a while, but is beginning to dry out again now.  No families had to be rescued from rooftops.  Whilst some have claimed that global warming is to blame for these unusual events, more down-to-earth sources have simply blamed the wet weather.

2.      And from the Sports Desk: Devizes Town’s talismanic striker Dwayne Mooney was in the news again this week, and for all the wrong reasons.  After scoring the winner in last Saturday’s emotional return to The Field Of Dreams, Mooney announced his immediate retirement from all future Wiltshire (Germolene League) call-ups, only to be arrested on Thursday night after being caught drunk in charge of a tricycle on the canal tow-path.  Mooney’s wife, Dwaynetta, who is expecting their fourteenth child, refused to speak to reporters as she made her way to the town’s tattoo parlour Lily The Ink.  No football results were affected in the reporting of this story.

3.      For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 27th August 2017

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 27^th August 2017

Here is our weekly round-up of events from Devizes:

                                                  

1.      A civic row broke out this week after the mayor announced that the planned new garden bridge across the canal, just behind the brewery out-fall, is to be abandoned.  Almost £7 had been spent by school-children on paper and crayons in various abortive attempts to design the structure, and all of this will now be lost to the tax-payer.  The key reason for the scheme being aborted was the lack of public support, based on the fact that the bridge was not needed since there are already twenty-seven crossing points within the town.

2.      Apart from the annual D-Town International Street Festival and Carnival this week-end, townsfolk will be celebrating the 150^th anniversary of the start of the Shopping Forecast.  Who can forget such timeless cadences as “Tesco – declining, now leaving.  Waitrose – distant, unlikely and in Melksham thriving.  Iceland – cheap, some bargains.  Morrisons – clueless and confusing, closing later.  Sainsbury – rising, convenient, poor pricing.”???

3.      For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

How To Write Real Good English

How To Write Real Good English

1.       Always avoid all alliteration.

2.       Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3.       Avoid clichés like the plague.  They’re old hat.

4.       Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

5.       Be more or less specific.

6.       Writers should never generalise.

7.       Don’t be redundant. Don’t use more words than necessary – it’s highly superfluous.

8.       Who needs rhetorical questions?

9.       Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

10.   Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

11.   Eschew obfuscation and don’t indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.

12.   Never begin a sentence with the word “never”.

13.   And never start a sentence with the word “and”.

14.   It’s not a good idea to casually split an infinitive.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2016

News From Bromham - Dateline Sunday 1st February 2015

Bulletin From Bromham: Dateline – Sunday 1^st February 2015

Here is our weekly round-up of events from Bromham:

1.       Bromham Special Forces were mobilised last week after a pair of military tractors from Seend were detected travelling through Bromham field-space.  The tractors had not filed a ploughing plan, and had their automatic transponders disabled, in contravention of Wiltshire rules on tractor movements.  The tractors were escorted back into a neutral Wiltshire county rural area, and the Seend ambassador was summoned to explain this illegal movement of farm vehicles.

2.       And following the sweeping poll victory of the Marxist-Leninist-Trotskyist Alliance in Melksham last Sunday, the new junta there have announced their intention to re-negotiate their overdraft at the local branch of the Bromham Bank.  However, the bank manager, Ms Angela Piglet, has said that the loan must be paid back in full, with interest. The junta, in response, have threatened to take their overdraft elsewhere.

3.       For details of these and all other Bromham stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station Carrot FM.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015