Some Alternative Christmas Cards

Some Alternative Christmas Cards(for when you just can’t find the card that says exactly what you really want)

Thank-you for your awful present

Thanks for that dreadful gift you bought me

It really made me awfully sad

I guess it cannot have cost you very much

So I’ve bought you one that’s just as bad!

May it bring you the misery of the season

It’s just what you deserve you fool

Here’s wishing you what you’ve got coming

So let’s both not bother next Yule.

On finding that the turkey will not fit in the oven

You looked so attractive in the shop

But now I cannot shut the oven door

There’s bits and pieces sticking out

And there’s stuffing falling onto the floor

I don’t care about the pigs in blankets

The roast potatoes I can wait to scoff

But I think I’ve solved the problem now

By cutting your bloody legs off.

On discovering Santa leaving presents

I know you’ve got a busy night

With so many kiddies you’re needing to see

Leaving them their long-wanted presents

Neatly stacked under the tree.

But did you have to force your way down our chimney?

Couldn’t you have remained silent and aloof?

And did you have to tread soot into the carpet?

And park that heavy sleigh up on the roof?

Now the house is collapsing around us

You’ve dropped all the family in a right hole

So gather up your piggin’ reindeer

And bugger off back to the North Pole!

On being invited round to the in-laws

Thanks so much for your kind invitation

To come to your house on Boxing Day

I know you’ve got to eat up the leftovers,

But surely there must be another way?

Cos we all agree that Grandma’s not nice to sit with

Not only that, but she’s smelly

Frankly I’d rather stop home at our place

And watch the hours of shite on the telly.

Thanks (to the vicar) for midnight mass

Thanks Your Reverence for the service last night

It’s almost impossible for me to believe

That so many people could pack out the church

And throw up in the pews on Christmas Eve

I suppose an excess of booze is to blame

So much vomit to be mopped down the drain

I don’t envy you as I languish at home

As today you get to do it all over again.

I’ll bet you’re glad Christmas comes but once a year

It’s tough being a vicar, but what can I say?

You signed up for this lark of working on Sundays

At least you can kick your shoes off till it’s Good Friday!

Season’s Greetings To The Supermarkets

Thanks for stocking all the things I needed for Christmas

Those goodies didn’t appear one moment too soon

I’m grateful that you got them all in so early

I really needed my Christmas cake way back in June!

It’s great that you’re open extra early and late

On your supply-chain you’ve exerted your powers

So we can stock up for a two week siege

Even though you’re only closed for twelve hours!

And I’ll be back in again on Boxing Day morning

Taking advantage of sale prices that are almost a gift

To help you get rid of the seasonal stock

That otherwise you’d have a problem to shift!

Get Well Soon

So sad to learn you’re having trouble -

Your flatulence comes in gusty bouts.

But it’s probably all your own fault

For eating one too many sprouts.

For Brussels can be the cause of many troubles

On this subject my poor heart grieves

I understand that this is what happens

If you swallow all the leaves

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017