Here is our weekly round-up of events from Bromham:
· Yesterday saw the three hour-long funeral of Britney Usedonce, at Bromham Parish Church, in the very chapel where she used to sing as a junior chorister. Having discovered her amazing vocal talents, Britney left the parish several years ago to pursue a glittering career in Chippenham, the Hollywood of Wiltshire. She had not been seen here since, having found better things to do. She is rumoured to have sold more than 170 records during her roller-coaster career, blighted by drink and drugs. Asked once whether she drank simply to forget, she responded: “I dunno – I forget.”
· Strong diplomatic representations have been made to Seend in Middle-Eastern Wiltshire about their attempts to bring a gas supply to the village. Seend leaders insist that this is for purely peaceful purposes, such as domestic heating & cooking. However, Bromham’s Foreign Minister, William Vague, expressed his concern about the potential for heating proliferation in the region, hoping that economic sanctions could be avoided.
· Disgraced Bromham PC Councillor, Chris Who, appeared at Bromham Crown Court, together with his ex-wife Vicky Whatsmyprice, both charged with perverting the course of justice. Whatsmyprice had claimed that she had been driving the tractor which had been abandoned in the Upper Field two years ago, in order to take the opprobrium of villagers and to salvage the career of her then-husband Who on the parish council. It subsequently emerged that Who had been driving the tractor all along, explaining why (like all politicians) he was incapable of maintaining a straight li(n)e.
· For details of these and all other Bromham stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station Carrot FM.
Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012
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