Trousers

Trousers

What a wonderful invention are pants!

Or, as the upper classes say, “trizers” -

For the lower male garment comes in many forms,

It all depends on what the wife buys us. 

You’d think the designer’s not got that much to go on,

When he thinks about gentlemen’s kegs,

But - you must have a large hole for the body,

And, I suppose, at least one for the legs. 

Of course trousers come in so many forms:

Cords, pantaloons, slacks, whatever you wilt:

Plus-fours, culottes, or even trackie-bottoms,

Or, if you’re North o’ the border – the kilt. 

But there’s more to it than first meets the eye,

And the permutations can be legion,

You’d be surprised at the considerations,

When clothing a man’s nether region. 

For a start, there’s the aspect of comfort,

Which demands a great deal of care,

But, of course, some of the problems,

Can depend upon your underwear. 

For chaps are sometimes known to go Commando,

Which can lead to a great deal of slipment,

To say nothing of plenty of movement,

Amongst the various bits of equipment. 

But, if they’ve got any sense, they’ll wear undies,

To keep everything tidy and neat,

Shorts, slips, jock-strap, or a nice pair of boxers,

But a good pair of knickers is hardest to beat. 

They keep the meat and two veggies warm,

And I don’t want to hear any drivel,

If things below are allowed to get cold,

There’s a serious danger of shrivel. 

Then the trousers can get on with their main job:

Just like the role, for the ladies, of your skirts,

Which, apart from providing some modesty,

Is there mostly for the tucking of shirts. 

That’s to say nothing of extra functions,

And you can’t really begin to mock it,

When we enter the very strange kingdom,

Of the many uses of the male pocket. 

For there you can keep your change, or some keys,

About the contents you can get cocky,

Not to mention that pursuit of little boys -

A quick furtive game of pocket-hockey. 

Openings and fastenings are many,

A subject that can cause some men to worry:

Buttons are slow, but zips can be dangerous,

Especially if they’re in a great hurry.

But you need a belt and braces approach,

And you must be aware of what you’re about:

On leaving, “Gentlemen - Adjust Your Dress”

You mustn’t leave anything still sticking out. 

So let’s pause and celebrate men’s trousers,

A serious subject that everyone mocks,

I hope I’ve explained it all clearly –

But just don’t get me started on socks.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012