Putting My Marriage Out To Tender

Putting my marriage out to tender

There’s a problem with my marital contract

Something I didn’t spot with the licence

Which needs to be urgently addressed

For I’m not very happy

With the current “in-house” solution

Nor the present service provider

She’s so messy and untidy

She fails to meet quality standards

And most of my expectations

The normal service tasks of the household

Are rarely completed on time or on budget

And the provision of conjugal services

Has dropped to a bare minimum

It seems she’s completely lost sight

Of the modern service culture

So I’m putting the contract out

To competitive tender

To see if it can be done any cheaper

And performed more efficiently

By the private sector

Using more modern management thinking

And the latest up-to-date methods

As a key stake-holder

End-user, consumer and customer

I’ll provide a clear service description

For streamlined procedures

Using built-in performance incentives

And a level of profit-sharing

With payment strictly by results

Reducing expenditure year-on-year

And performing all tasks to a minimum standard

With full provision for holidays and sickness

This will be an initial three-month contract

With a view to future extension

For the successful applicant(s)

Who will be young and ambitious

And will need to demonstrate a strong track-record

In delivering these services

To a very demanding client

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2013