Health, Wealth & Happiness

Health, wealth & happiness: (or how I was persuaded to seek health & youth, but gave it all up for booze & fags)

Now I’m the first to admit,

Although I’m certainly not wealthy,

I’d like to try & live as long as I can,

And that includes being healthy.

My other half – she looked hard at me,

And cast her critical eye.

“You need to get into shape” she said

And here are some ideas you can try.

She reeled off a number of therapies:

In fact she became quite verbal.

They were mostly New Age & Modern:

Some were Chinese and some were herbal.

I started on aroma therapy

Which created a wonderful smell.

But that just made me sleepy,

And off the treatment table I fell.

So nursing some bumps & some bruises,

I went to see a chiropractor.

She caused me so much pain that I cried.

And I’m afraid that I then sacked her.

So seeking for calmer approaches,

I tried ayurvedic head massage.

It brought a smile to my lips,

And peace to my ugly visage.

Hypnotherapy, meditation & yoga,

And various types of new diet:

Wheat-free, dairy-free and Atkins -

If it was faddy, I just had to try it.

Reflexology, and ear candling,

And all sorts of new medication.

Then finally I built myself up to try

Transcendental meditation.

This led to a new feeling of calmness:

My chakras were all in a line.

I started to feel so much better:

I fact I felt really quite fine.

And this was all very well for a while,

But it merely calmed my mental state:

I needed something else for my body -

A new person I wanted to create.

So I started to become more ambitious:

It’s what you do at such a juncture. -

Manipulation, electro-therapy,

And finally some acupuncture.

  

With needles all over my body,

My wellness began to increase.

If I could just push to the next stage -

Well – wonders might never cease.

I looked out for more treatments:

Anything health-like related.

Until finally I succumbed,

And had my colon irrigated.

It’s called hydro-therapy,

But there’s no need to sob -

It was all quite pleasant really,

And much easier than my later boob-job.

For I’d become addicted to nips and to tucks:

I didn’t need to be urged on.

I was even getting a discount

From my cosmetic surgeon.

But I suppose it’s the human condition,

To look for something more exotic,

When your diet gets increasingly boring,

And everything’s become pro-biotic.

Then finally the treatments stopped working:

What was once tight now only sags.

Anyway I’ve discovered a new diet –

It consists of chips, of beer and of fags.

So let this story become a warning to you:

Don’t think you can make yourself healthy.

Just stick with what you know,

And that way you might keep yourself wealthy.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014