Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 20th January
2019
Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:
1.
D-Town
was still coming to terms this week with its grief when the sad news was
announced that the skate-boarder Hugh Jarse announced his impending retirement
from international competition.
Commenting exclusively to this organ before undertaking daily practice,
he said “yeh, but, no, but yeh, been like a hangin’ toenail, man. Hurts to even put da socks on, innit, catchin’
an’ clickin’ on da material, innit. Da
pain barrier, man. Can’t go on. Sorry to da dudes in da ‘hood.” A translation into English will be made
available later.
2. Meanwhile, the town’s 107-year old mayor, Ben Dover,
was involved in a Road Traffic Accident on Thursday. Pulling out from a side-street on his
motability scooter, he forced several cars to swerve, and two to crash into
each other. He then mowed down two
pedestrians on a zebra crossing, crossed the central reservation on the A350
into the path of oncoming traffic, went the wrong way down a one-way street,
knocked over a cyclist, ran over a cat, and took out the safety bollards in the
High Street, before crashing into the plate-glass window at the front of
Poundland. Several people were killed or
injured, and three people were traumatised, requiring psychological help and
counselling. He was found to be driving
without a valid MoT certificate, was not wearing a seat-belt, had no current
driving licence, had no insurance, and was under the affluence of incohol. Police later said that they had offered the
mayor “suitable words of advice”.
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