Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 17th November 2019
Here is our weekly
round-up of events from D-Town:
1. The
political heat was turned up more than a notch this week when the Loonie
Left-Wing candidate for D-Town mayor promised high-speed broadband for all by
2030, together with a Facebook account, a Tindr account and an Instagram account. Every child will receive something called an
X-Box, a computer and a modem. This was
on the grounds that “being connected” was vital to life itself. The Loonie Right-Wing candidate countered by
offering free electricity, the Tree-Huggers offered free gas, and the Deluded Big-Dummies
offered free water. However, people in
the north of the constituency pointed out that they’d had enough free water in
the past two weeks to last a life-time, thank-you.
2. And
in a ground-breaking TV interview, thought to have been personally authorised
by his mum, the bloke who lives in the Big House on the High Street, was seen
to commit PR hari-kari by confessing that he couldn’t remember anything about
going out with that girl at No. 43 when she was allegedly only 17. Challenged in detail about various
allegations relating to his three-year affair with the girl, he confessed to
not remembering, being such a fool, kicking himself, letting the side down,
punching himself in the mouth, being too honourable, failing to be a role model
to his privileged children, and a number of other vomit-inducing
indiscretions. On the other hand, he was
able to remember with eye-watering clarity, on some of the dates mentioned,
going out for pizza and the exact toppings he had selected. The biggest revelation came towards the end,
when he shamefully confessed that he had in fact added pineapple to one pizza
in order to create something referred to as a Hawaiian.
Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019
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