Mermaid in Heaven
‘Twas upon a stormy day that I chanced,
To walk the shore in thought deeply enrapt,
When I heard a pitiful sound of woe,
And saw a poor girl on the rocks, entrapped.
It was her fishy tail and scaly flukes,
As the waves on the rocks crashed all around,
The fins and a strong smell of haddock,
That revealed her watery background.
Her flowing hair it shone like seaweed,
And around her naked shoulders all arrayed,
She wore a long necklace of pearly shells:
And at once I knew she must be a mermaid.
I helped her to wriggle herself free,
And pulled her out on to the wind-swept strand.
That’s when I realised, in a sudden flash,
That what was in it for me - was sand.
There and then I plighted my troth,
In love I’d fallen – I had no real choice -
She was young, and beautiful and sexy:
It wasn’t by mere chance, but on porpoise.
But she was demure, and she was shy -
She resisted, and questioned my taste.
She said “it’s all very well up here on top,
But it’s all different below the waist.”
I said that it was just a red herring,
And that we’d soon learn to get along.
In the name of all that was coley,
Together, with cod’s help, we’d be strong.
And so it was that we were married,
By the sea-shore, with gentle lighting.
Her uncle Turbot gave the bride away,
And the darling girl was dressed in whiting.
Our friends thought we were too different,
And they said so, right from the start.
And the cats were always a bit suspicious,
Sniffing around her nethermost part.
But we embarked upon our married life,
We set up home and, as is often the rule,
Soon our little herrings came along -
No trouble getting them into school!
Of course we had a few differences,
For she’d been born as a marine being:
She couldn’t dance, was hopeless at football,
And it was pointless taking her skiing.
But there were a few positive things too:
She swam by the side when we went on a cruise,
You never needed more salt in your food,
And she never went shopping
for shoes.
Naturally we had a plaice of our own,
And, at first, we had a whale of a time,
But she began to spend more time in the bath,
And to dream of the salty sea’s rime.
Of course, it was all doomed not to last -
She developed a slow swimming motion.
The Dolphin shower just wasn’t enough,
And she began to pine for the ocean.
I knew that I could never stop her,
I couldn’t be such a Pollack, or so fake:
I had to let her eel her way back home -
You could say I did it for her own hake.
And so it was that we finally parted,
And she went back to her home in the sea.
It’s all left me quite badly affected,
And I don’t fancy fish and chips for my tea.
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