Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 24th May 2020
Here is our weekly
round-up of events from D-Town:
1. D-Town’s
mayor, Hugh Jarse, has defended his senior advisor, Dominant
Cummings-and-Goings, for taking several trips from The Vize to his third,
fourth and fifth houses in surrounding villages, claiming that his need to
provide his child with fresh first-growth olive oil, tinned larks’ tongues and
free-range artisanal muesli over-ride any mere trivial lockdown
regulations. Speaking from Doasyouretold
House in Getknotted Lane, Mr Jarse pointed out that his advisor had not been
visiting a lover, embezzling lockdown benefits or spitting on Col Tom Moore’s
image, so he was free to use his common sense.
Everyone else should stay at home, keep 2m apart and generally shut up.
2. Meanwhile,
citizens have been advised to go to work.
Unless they can’t. In which case
don’t. Unless they’re essential/ key
workers, so they should, unless they can’t.
But don’t use public transport, unless they have to, in which case don’t
lick the windows and keep 2m apart, only 3 people at a time clinging to the
roof, one on the front bumper, and they must wear a mask, unless they don’t
want to, in which case don’t, because it’s not provenly effective anyway. So stay put, but go to work. Stay home and save lives, unless you don’t
feel like it, and think that a few days at the seaside is a good idea, in which
case go. Or don’t because it’s not
safe. Or drive 250 miles if you want
to. Or don’t. But stay alert.
Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020
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