Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 3rd April 2022
Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:
1. A new chapter is being written in the glorious sports history of D-Town, as the county’s most famous and historical football club, Old Crammeronians, is being put up for sale to the highest bidder. Owned since 1645 by the same family of in-bred country bumpkins, the Olly-Garks, the bidding for the club has almost reached fever pitch (geddit?), with nearly three bids received so far. But the contest is a game of two halves, and the auctioneers are content just to play each bid at a time, even if that leads to penalties and extra time. Having propped up the rest of the West Wiltshire (South) Federation Division 7 for most of its 377-year history, there would seem to be little incentive to rush to an early resolution of the bidding war. And there’s always next season.
2. Meanwhile, following the uproar caused at last Sunday night’s DOSSER awards at the Wharf Theatre, when one of the nominees, a Mr. Willy Wontee, was seen to slap the ceremony’s MC, the so-called comedian, Nick Izwatch, after he made remarks about his offensive wife, an investigation has been set up. Conducted by PC Letsby Avenue, the investigation will focus on why he didn’t slap him sooner. Or harder. Or simply take him outside and drop him off the bridge into the canal. Meanwhile the academy has set up an entire medical and psychiatric facility to deal with the hundreds of people who were either completely traumatised by the experience, or else those who still haven’t stopped laughing for the past week.
Copyright Andy
Fawthrop 2022
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