But It's OK

But It’s OK

Yes, that’s mine, the one with the engine running

Won’t be a minute, then I’ll be gone

Sorry about blocking the way through

But it’s OK – I’ve got my hazards on!

 

Yes, I know there’s two kids in the back,

My girl Jocasta, and the baby’s Yvonne

They’ll be alright just for a few seconds

I know – because I’ve got my hazards on!

 

I’m only slipping in to Costa for a latte

It’s no use arguing with me, John

It might be on double yellow lines

But it’s fine – I’ve got me hazards on!

 

It’s way too far from the car-park

There’s no other spaces – absolutely none

Look - I’m in a rush and I’m busy

Can’t you see? – I’ve got me hazards on!

 

My personalised number shows I’m important

And a lot wealthier than you are, Ron!

There’s little chance the wardens’ll get me

No chance – not with me hazards on!

 

Well just get your head round it then

I’m untouchable – that you can depend upon!

I can put my Chelsea Tractor where I please

Just get used to it – cos I’ve my hazards on!

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 30th October 2022

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 30^th October 2022

 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      An exciting week for D-Town as several well-known, if not much-loved, characters from the recent past of the Town Council spontaneously regenerated themselves, thus ensuring another chapter in the long-running saga of Dr. Who?  Despite suffering complete electoral oblivion only a few days or weeks ago, these time-lords appear to have the power to take on new forms, and to induce in their fans almost complete memory loss as to their previous words and actions.  They will form a new governing body, named Transport and Accommodation in D-Town’s Infrastructure  Systems (TARDIS). 

2.      And citizens are still coming to terms, yet again, with the twice-yearly shock of the clocks changing.  Going back by one hour has, once more, arrived as a completely unexpected event for some people, despite the fact that they can remember with unerring accuracy the dates for Halloween, Bonfire Night, Black Friday and Christmas. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

 

Do I Have To?

Do I Have To?

Do I have to come out of Lockdown?

I’d just got used to being all on my own

Everybody else is going out again

And there’s nobody left for me to phone

 

There’s lots of inoculated people out there

They think they’re safe and acting all gung-ho

They’re sitting outside and drinking

And hugging everyone that they know

 

But I’ve got into a new routine now

Changing my habits just doesn’t seem right

Planning my whole evening watching TV

And going to bed early each night

 

Now I’m feeling a new anxiety

Having to make decisions about where to go

Being stuck in the house was so much easier

And I think I’ve got back my symptoms of FOMO

 

The whole adventure looks risky to me

No-one’s bothered about face, hands and space

I’ve got used to shouting through the letter-box

Not sure I’m yet ready to leave the old place

 

I’m told that deaths and infections are decreasing

Apparently the “R” number is going down

But to be honest - I don’t give a toss for statistics

So I think I’ll just stay here on my own!

 

Life under Lockdown was so much simpler

When we had no freedom to roam

So lock me back up, and throw away the key

And – please! - force me to stay home!

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

 

Not Yet

Not Yet 

There will come a time I know not when

That I can no longer roam abroad

And walk through fields and paths

Along beside the old canal

The brewery, the castle and the town

But – please – not just yet

 

There will come a time in future years

That I can no longer leave the house

Nor cook nor clean nor anything

Nor do things for myself

That I would wish to do

A situation I could not bear

But – I hope – not quite yet

 

There will come a time sometime soon

That I can no longer make it to the pub

And sit among the friends I love

Nor chat nor joke nor buy my round

Nor enjoy good company

And lose the only reason

That makes life worth while

But – for pity’s sake – not yet

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Vegetable & Ham Rostis

Recipe for: VEGETABLE & HAM ROSTIS 

Ingredients: 

·        250g carrots, peeled & coarsely grated

·        250g swede or parsnip, peeled & coarsely grated

·        1 small onion, peeled & coarsely grated

·        2 eggs, beaten

·        1 ½ tsp wholegrain mustard

·        150g ham, coarsely shredded

·        2-3 tblsp oil

 

Method: 

1.      Blanch the veggies in a pan of boiling water for 2 minutes

2.      Drain & squeeze out as much water as possible

3.      Tip into a bowl to cool

4.      Mix in the onion, mustard, eggs, ham and seasoning

5.      Heat oil in a frying pan and when hot drop in heaped tablespoonfuls of the mixture

6.      Gently but firmly press down in the pan

7.      Fry for 2-3 minutes until golden & brown on the bottom

8.      Flip over & cook the other side for 2-3 minutes

9.      Fry in batches so as not to over-crowd the pan

10.   Drain on kitchen paper & serve hot with a tangy dip

Clickety-click

Clickety-Click

Clickety-click the bingo-caller shouts

To the room of hardened punters

A phrase that needs no translation

But he does it anyway

A number that, on its own, has no importance

Only insofar as it relates to many others

As everyone hungrily seeks to complete their Line

Or looks to fill their House

 

This Mecca for devotees

Absorbs the scores on the doors

Coming now in fast succession

In a rapid rolling random ritual

Where no-one takes the time to look up

Or to notice any number above the next

 

We’re all in the Top Rank now

Where soon it’ll be Sunset Strip

Then, before you know it, Two Fat Ladies

And finally Top of the House

Before the winning cry goes up

And, subject to checking,

Another session’s done and dusted

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Two Billion Seconds

Two Billion Seconds

Two billion seconds is a lot

A number too hard to handle

To manipulate with any confidence

But once you carve it up a bit

Apply the rules of long division

It soon reduces to something normal

 

Two billion seconds takes a while to pass

To measure by the ticking clock

The steady clicking of the hand

Especially if you’re watching

But once you look away

It’s going faster than you think

 

Two billion seconds may represent a life

Or at least a massive chunk of one

Once you’ve translated to years

And with it comes the knowledge

That there’s a chance you might reach three

But you’ll never get as far as four

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Helpful Callers

Helpful Callers

There’s a man in Bangalore who’s very concerned about my car insurance

And a woman from BT who’s questioning my Broadband speed

Another said my Amazon Prime subscription won’t renew itself

And Microsoft are quite clear about what it is I need

 

All I had to do was to give them complete control of my PC

And then, as I watched, they deleted everything that looked slightly funny

Setting up a new savings account for me within the bank

I popped in the PIN and they quickly transferred all my money

 

I’d never even realised I’d been mis-sold PPE

Never knew I’d even had it in the first place

Ever such a nice lady rang to tell me all about it

And said, if I claimed, I’d be quids in that being the case

 

And that accident that wasn’t my fault

Well it seems I’m not to worry any more

All I have to do is to sign some forms

So many helpful people by the score

 

So it’s been a busy morning on the phone

But so many things have now been put right

Think I’ll go and have nice strong cup of tea

Before any other problems come to light!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 23rd October 2022

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 23^rd October 2022 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      D-Town’s supermarkets had to be briefly closed this week, the staff barricaded inside, and rows of baton-wielding policemen protecting the perimeters, as enraged shoppers besieged the stores in search of the newly-discovered long-lasting powers of the humble lettuce.  A salad legume that can retain its composure and integrity for more than forty-four days is to be much prized in today’s throwaway society, and during the current cost-of-living crisis.  Following this discovery, vegetables are now being shown a new level of respect.  Shoppers have been seen admiring carrots with awe, and investing leeks with an almost god-like aura.  Whilst this may be an overblown modern reaction, at least it’s a long way from the grind of daily politics. 

2.      And, as the prospect of a new leadership election at the Town Hall looms ever closer, and the horrific nightmare of a return to office of the Moptop Buffoon rears its ugly little head, several citizens (especially voters) are being treated for cases of selective memory syndrome.  This little understood, but frightening, condition can lead sufferers to completely forget everything they had previously heard and seen from politicians, and to mistakenly believe (despite all contrary evidence) that such politicians would in future always tell the truth, act with integrity, and lead the Town to victory in its war against Trowvegas. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Things I Didn't Want To Hear

Things I Didn’t Want To Hear

I’ve heard some things that I didn’t want to hear

And I know some things I wished I didn’t know

Yet I still can’t understand what made you leave us

And why you felt your only choice was to go

 

Whatever led you to that black conclusion

Your thoughts in such desperate strait

That you knew you couldn’t stay around with us

Such a sad, sad, wasteful fate

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

I Saw GoD in the Market Place Today

I saw GoD In The Market Place Today

I saw GoD in the Market Place today

She waved and came to say hello

We chatted & said what we had to say

I saw GoD in The Market Place today

Then the 33 came and took her on her way

I was so sorry that she had to go

I saw GoD in the Market Place today

She waved and came to say hello

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Compost Heap Jelly

Recipe for: COMPOST HEAP JELLY 

Ingredients: 

• 500g apple cores & peel
• 500g mixed citrus fruit peel (unwaxed lemon, orange, grapefruit, lime) cut into 1cm shreds
• 900 g granulated sugar
• Juice of 1 orange, lemon or grapefruit 

Method: 

1. put all the apple cores & peel and the citrus peel into a heavy pan with about 1.5 litres of water, or enough to cover
2. bring to the boil, then simmer until all the fruit is soft & pulpy (about 45-60 minutes).  Remove from heat.
3. turn the contents of the pan through a scalded jelly bag or muslin cloth & leave to drip overnight
4. do not rush this bit – don’t squeeze the liquid through the bag or the jelly will be cloudy
5. the next day, measure the juice – you will probably have about 1.2 litres
6. put the juice into a clean pan and bring up to the boil
7. add the sugar – 450g of it for every 600 ml of fruit liquid, stirring until dissolved
8. add the orange or lemon or grapefruit juice
9. boil rapidly, without stirring, for 9-10 minutes until setting point is reached 
10. skim off any scum with a shallow spoon, then pot & seal into sterilised jars
11. date & label the jars 

What else you need to know: 

1. using the skin, cores & stones is a good source of pectin, which helps the jelly to set
2. this is a good, cheap recipe since it uses ingredients which were only bound for the compost heap anyway

 

Dishwasher Blues

Dishwasher Blues – an Indesit proposal

You stand against the wall of my kitchen

Just waiting for my full attention

You’re neat, and you’re closely fitted

What we get up to, I hardly dare to mention

 

I gaze in fascination at your features

And I know which buttons I have to press

To produce an active performance

Which excites me, I have to confess

 

Your equipment is delightful to see

Your racks and your rotating arms

Drive me to frenzies of anticipation

You’re my magic cupboard of charms

 

I don’t have to scrape or rinse for you

You can deal with what’s really dirty

You always give me satisfaction

And make me feel frisky and so flirty

 

I thrust in my massive load

My equipment is sturdy and strong

I love turning you on twice daily

And I’m glad it’s me to whom you belong

 

My eyes twinkle as you display all of your lights

You start gushing and squirting your juices

Within your lovely hot, moist box

Steamy and soapy through all of your sluices

 

You work hard when you’re so turned on

Soaking and rinsing whatever’s sticky

I love that you’re my salty wet dishy

Without you, life would be boring and tricky

 

And when your exertions are finally all over

When you’re finished, but still steamy hot

There’s no residues for me to worry about

No wiping needed, and what-not

 

Soon everything’s dry that was wet

So I can gently remove what was inserted

And put it all back where it belongs

So I’m happy, yet feeling hardly exerted

 

Now I can’t do without you, my dishy

I confess I don’t want to be like the rest of the band

Having to make my own arrangements

And forced to do everything by hand

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Bloody Anglo Saxons

Bloody Anglo Saxons

Bloody Anglo-Saxons! – that’s what they are

Somebody’s dug up some old broken bones

Now the archaeologists have moved in

And we’ve got to stop building these homes

 

Last week it was the Crested Newts

Found in a habitat apparently rare

So it can’t be bull-dozed for the motorway -

As if the motorists would care!

 

Before that it was the Large Blue butterfly

That some naturalist had espied

He could have just turned a blind eye

Who’d have known if it’d died?

 

Don’t get me started on the Green Spider Orchid

Blooming where it’s really no right

Now we’ll have to go via a different route

And break a budget that was already tight

 

If it’s not Natterjack Toads, it’s Red Squirrels

Or pine martens, or Bechstein’s Bat

These ecologists are driving me nuts

Why can’t they understand that?

 

What if we destroy a few woodlands?

All in the name of High Speed Two?

The railway needs to get there

The route has to get through

 

These scientists ought to move to one side

Let progress press on its way

What’s the point of preserving beauty?

Or of bio-diversity, or of history I’d say?

 

So if you’re out walking and spot something rare

Don’t feel like you should go with your gut

Keep moving, forget what you’ve just seen

And please keep your bloody trap shut!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Hail To The Feckless

Hail To The Feckless

What’s the point of bothering?

Or even to get up in the morning?

Why this rush to meet deadlines?

Just because a new day’s dawning?

 

People make too much of efficiency

And always being some place on time

Myself I can’t see the advantage

Being laid back’s not such a crime

 

Why stir yourself if you don’t need to?

If you can just watch what’s on the telly

The only reason to be stirring yourself

Is to service your bladder or belly

 

What’s all this about volunteering?

Putting yourself out there for others?

Leave it for someone else to do

Let them ask some other brothers

 

Someone else will sort out the mess

There’s people paid to be picking up litter

If I get involved and start interfering

It’ll only leave them seething and bitter

 

No, it’s best to just leave things as they are

And let the world keep rolling past

I sometimes wish that I was more worried

But I simply just can’t be arsed

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline 16th October 2022

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 16^th October 2022 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Notices have now gone up on the Town Hall doors showing the rota for who is the leader, secretary and treasurer of the Council for this week, next week and until the end of the month.  A new rota will then be posted, and should be available online shortly.  The entrance to the building is being replaced with a revolving door to facilitate these changes.  A request has also been made by the D-Town Chamber of Commerce for the town’s budget plans to be published online, and then revised weekly as the policy changes and the sums are added up. 

2.      And two local specialist collectors have unearthed long-lost documents and reel-to-reel tape recordings of Council Meetings.  Episodes featuring honesty, integrity, clarity and transparency were thought to have been completely lost.  It is hoped that they can be restored, but the materials are said to be extremely fragile, particulary when they are exposed to the current atmosphere and climate. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

You're So English

You’re So English

You’re so English

You can’t escape from your past

With your William Shakespeare and your Winston Churchill

Your standing-in-queues and terribly strong tea

Your fish-and-chip suppers, your roast beef and Yorkshire Pudding

And your stiff upper lips, it’s so easy to see

 

You’re so English

It’s pointless pretending you’re not

With your Wimbledon tennis fortnight and your Cliff Richard

Your Bobby Charlton and your Dame Vera Lynn

Your HP Sauce and your Mother of Parliaments

It’s hard to know where to begin

 

You’re so English

You can’t avoid what’s obvious

With your Beatrix Potter and your Blackpool Tower

Your buckets and spades at the seaside

Your kiss-me-slowly hats and what-the-butler-saw

Your rock, amusement arcades and much more besides

 

You’re so English

It stands out for a mile

Your Elgar, and your Pomp & Circumstance at the Proms

Your jellied eels and your marmalade on your toast

Your Jerusalem and your Rule Britannia

And your lifeboats all round the coast

 

You’re so English

It’s so simple to see

With your cricket matches on the village green, and your football

Your pork pies and your pints of best bitter

Your National Parks and your walkers and Ramblers

And your beaches piled up with their litter

 

You’re so English

You’ve got nothing to hide

With your Folk Music and Morris Dancers with hankies and sticks

Your crumpets and scones with jam & cream at High Tea

Your libraries and National Health Service

And your public schools, who else could it be?

 

You’re so English

It’s as plain as the nose on your face

With your Beatles, your Rolling Stones and your Who

Your Anglican High Church each and every Sunday

Your Royal Family, and your God Save The Queen

Then Corrie and Eastenders on Monday

 

You’re so English

The case is completely conclusive

With your steam engines and Cockney Rhyming Slang

Your copies of The Beano and your branches of Greggs

Your York Minster and your Tower of London

PG Tips at breakfast and soldiers to dip into your eggs

 

You’re so English

It’s as plain as a pikestaff

With your Clapham Junctions and your Accrington Stanleys

Your Chipping Sodburys and your new town Milton Keynes

Your cream sherry trifle and your Full English breakfast

Your bangers and mash, served with helpings of beans

 

You’re so English

What more proof do you need?

With your Florence Nightingale, and your Sir Christopher Wren

Your art galleries, your castles and your museums with shops at the exit

With your independent spirit and your splendid isolation

Now you can sail into the sunset, because you all voted for Brexit

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Maybe

Maybe

Maybe the world is going to Hell in a Handcart

Perhaps we’re all in terminal decline

So it’s just possible that the nearby duck-pond

Has turned into a vast lake of fire and burning brimstone

Choking the sky with billowing black smoke

 

Maybe wasps have recanted on their evil stinging ways

And are now running rehabilitation schemes for other insects and flies

 

Maybe burglars are overcome with remorse

And are now busily returning many items of value

Before swearing to go straight for the rest of their lives

 

Maybe the vandals are scrubbing off their own graffiti

Ashamed of the mess and desecration they’ve caused

And planting Spring bulbs by way of apology

 

Maybe the travelling circus has rolled back into town

And is offering free seats to everyone that wants one

Perhaps they’re setting all the animals free

Giving away popcorn and hotdogs

And admitting that clowns are no longer so funny

 

Maybe the shops are tired of charging their customers money

To buy their over-priced slave-labour tat

Sacking all of their security guards

And are inviting in the shoplifters

To take what they’d fancy for free

 

Maybe the borders are being thrown wide open

With free boats and lilos for those attempting a Channel crossing

To be greeted on the English beaches

With a hot cup of tea and a bun if they don’t drown

And a bus to their destination of choice

 

Maybe Trump is welcoming the Mexicans and Hispanics

And tearing down his wall that’s only half-built

Opening his arms to the tired and weary

Telling the truth and not repeating himself

 

Maybe the polar ice-caps are melting

Making polar bears homeless

Sending icebergs into the oceans

And tsunamis of freezing melt-water into the world

 

Maybe Big Brother’s watching every move that we make

With cameras mounted on poles in the streets

Maybe there are robots walking amongst us

 

Maybe Fiona Bruce has become the new pope

With married young ladies as her cardinals

Maybe the Catholic church will begin to welcome agnostics

And Satanism will no longer be a cardinal sin

 

Maybe you can download different shapes of pasta from the Internet

 

Maybe all of these will come true

But I wouldn’t hold your breath

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Plum Jam

Recipe for: PLUM JAM 

Ingredients: 

• 1.5 kg plums, or damsons
• 1.25 kg granulated sugar 

Method: 

1. halve & stone the plums.  Keep about a dozen stones
2. using nutcrackers, break the stones & extract the kernels
3. put the kernels in small bowl & cover with boiling water for a few minutes
4. drain the water & slip ff the brown skins, leaving the creamy-white kernels
5. put the plums, skinned kernels & 400ml water into a preserving pan
6. bring to a simmer & cook gently until the fruit s tender & the skins soft (about 20 minutes, but depends on size & ripeness of fruits)
7. add the sugar, stirring until dissolved
8. turn up the heat & boil rapidly until setting –point is reached, usually about 10-12 minutes.  The fruit should not still be bobbing to the surface – it’s probably not sufficiently cooked
9. pot the jam into warm, sterilised jars
10. cool, seal & label 

What else you need to know: 

1. the kernels add an almond-like tang to the jam, and are a good source of pectin
2. this recipe also works with damsons, bullaces, greengages

Panic

Panic

Last winter someone heard a snowflake drop

They were feeling full of anguished dread

So they rushed down to the supermarket

And they bought up fifty loaves of bread

 

And milk enough to last for thirty days

That emptied all the shelves

Not worrying about anyone else

Just looking out for their selfish selves

 

And now there’s something in the air

With origins that are rare and vague

There’s infection and contagion

There’s coming pestilence and plague

 

And suddenly everybody’s short of stock

Of hand-sanitiser and liquid soap

And merely trying to buy toilet rolls

They’re running out of hope

 

For they fear the bugs and beasties

The things that will make them ill

So they’re stocking up with drugs,

With potions and every kind of pill

 

They’re hoarding many types of pasta

All across the British Isles

They don’t trust the old supply-chains

They’re busy fighting in the aisles

 

Wringing hands and ringing tills

Panic-buying, Headless Chicken Syndrome

Soon they’ll be in self-isolation

Siege mentality, and holed-up at home

 

Locked up and in a total lock-down

No more touching or social contact

Forever washing their hands

The odds against them all are stacked

 

So we’ve had the forty days of floods

There’s a chance that we’ll all go bust

And now we’ve got this pestilence -

What next? – a swarm of locusts?

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Fish & Chips

Fish & Chips

Stranded in a strange city recently whilst working away on business, I was staying at a local B&B. 

As there was no dinner on offer, and finding that my hunger pangs were starting, I set out in search of some fish & chips.  I really fancied some fish and chips.

I couldn’t wait to smell the hot fat, to see the glistening golden batter, to eat the mushy peas, the whole lot drowned in salt and vinegar.  My mouth watered in anticipation.

My appetite thus whetted, I set off into the night to seek my quarry. 

The trouble was I’d no idea where to go, as I wandered onto the nearby High Street. 

I decided to stop and ask directions of a man just passing by.  He looked like a local.

“Excuse me,’ I said.  “Are you a local?  Do you know the area?”

“Yes,” he said.  “Are you lost?”

“Not exactly,” I said.  “I’m looking for a fish & chip shop.  I really fancy some fish & chips.”

“No problem,” he replied.  “I can tell you exactly where to go.”

The directions he gave me were as follows:

-        Straight along here for 50 yards.  Go past Chick-O-Land, The Chicken Box and KFC

-        Turn left by Tennessee Chicken.  There’s a branch of Cluck-It on the opposite corner

-        Go past King Chicken, Chunky Chicken and USA Fried Chicken, but not quite as far as Chicken Ranch

-        Hang a right turn.  You’ll see Mister Chicken, Favourite Fried Chicken and Dixie Chicken on your left

-        And New York Chicken, Chick-O-Lite and Chick-O-Land will be on your right

-        Carry on along there for 100 yards or so till you reach Chicken Cottage

-        Turn left at Sam’s Chicken, past Chicken House and Best Fried Chicken

-        Until you see Mother Clucker and Coq Fighter

-        Now this is the only tricky bit – ignore Krunchy Fried Chicken and Lulu’s Chicken

-        And keep to the left of Chicken Shop and Chicken Town

-        Go past Chicken-Fil-A, El Pollo Loco, and Finger-Lickin’ Chicken

-        This’ll bring you out into the Market Place.  So you’ll see branches of Chickin-Lickin, Chicken Dippers, Land-O-Chicken, Wing Stop, Thunderbird, Red Rooster, and World-O-Chicken

-        Cross over into the far corner between Church’s Chicken and Chick-Chick-Chicken

-        And it’s down that road – you can’t miss it!

I thanked him for his help, turned my collar against the wind, and set off into the night

Finally I reached my destination and in the distance I could see the illuminated sign – “In Cod We Trust”

I rushed into the shop, tired and hungry after my trek, looking forward to my meal

“Large cod, chips and mushy peas, please!” I cried in exhaustion and relief.

The rotund gentlemen behind the counter, the Fat Frier responded in the negative

“Sorry mate – you’re too late.  I’ve just completely sold out of fish!”

“Oh no!” I ejaculated, the disappointment in my voice as clear as a bear’s intention when entering a wood

“But I’m starving!  And I’ve come all this way!”

“No worries mate,” he responded calmly.  “I can easily fry you some chicken!”

I ran from the shop screaming.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Clearing Out The Freezer

Clearing Out The Freezer

Last week I decided to defrost the freezer

Cause the door wouldn’t close any more

The ice had continued to build up

And icicles were covering the floor

 

It’s a ritual that we all have to endure

One that fills us with justified fears

But you’ve got to do it pretty regular

Well – let’s say at least once every five years

 

I disconnected the power – a simple first step

And left it to get itself started over-night

But when I woke up next morning

The shelves were still jammed solid alright

 

I decided it needed some help to get going

And set about it with a big hair-drier

This’ll soon melt the ice, I thought

This’ll get it off to a flier

 

But nothing seemed to do much good

The perma-frost was still inches thick

So I started hacking it with various tools

A knife, a saw, a hatchet and a bloody big stick

 

It was very slow going through the pack-ice

Several crevasses I had to unpick

I was soon surrounded by icebergs

And felt like Scott of the Antarctic

 

Finally the ice came away in lumps and in cubes

But the knife-edge slipped onto my wrist

There was torn flesh and rivers of blood -

Well I’m sure that you get the gist

 

Slowly the great melt had set in

The water flowed in huge floods

I wrenched out the top drawer

And at last I could get to my goods

 

The kitchen was awash with the deluge

Buckets and mops were in demand

The freezer floated slowly around

As if it was looking for the nearest dry land

 

Gradually I gained access to the interior

To the shelves and the mysterious drawers

To the frozen packages held therein

And I rushed to discover them without pause 

 

Well, it was like opening a treasure chest

Or going on a magical mystery tour

To dig out the long-lost containers

And wonder what any of them were for

 

The labels had all faded or melted away

So no clues as to what was therein

No idea when they’d been squirreled away

It was hard to know where to begin.

 

It’s amazing how frozen food all looks the same

When it’s covered in crystals of ice

One lot of gloop looks like another

Was it something disgusting or nice?

 

Did I really freeze two spoonfuls of fried rice?

Are these pork sausages or somebody’s fingers?

There’s curry stains on the side of the boxes

It’s yellow and the smell of it lingers.

 

It was when I got down to the bottom

When I got past the things that were mere filler

That I began to have some tiny regrets

About my previous life as a serial killer

 

The hands, the feet and the arms

Were well wrapped up as a disguise

Was that somebody’s nose and their ears?

Was that a skull with still-frozen eyes?

 

A leg and piece of somebody’s back

A few ribs, a couple of kidneys and a liver

I only barely remember cutting the guy up

The blood must have flowed like a river

 

Still, I can’t be bothering with that now

There’s no way of getting around it

I’ll just do what everyone else does

And stuff it all back in where I found it!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 9th October 2022

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 9^th October 2022

 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Residents of D-Town are in shock this weekend after the town narrowly failed in its bid to host the next Eurovision Song Contest on behalf of Ukraine.  A spokesperson for the failed bid said “I thought we had the perfect package.  Nowhere else in the UK could possibly look more like Ukraine – with abandoned tractors and other vehicles littering the streets, potholes the size of bomb craters, a population focused on the very basics of day-to-day survival, and an existential struggle against an evil neighbouring superpower (TrowVegas).  I mean what more could the BBC have possibly wanted?” 

2.      But in a triumph for the town’s scientific community, DASA (D-Town Advanced Space Agency), an inter-stellar space probe was successfully fired into the doom-laden, black, atmosphere-free Badlands of Melksham and managed to divert the course of a milk-float that had been travelling along the A350.  It had not actually been predicted to collide with D-Town in the next 5 billion years, but you can never be too careful with these things.  Just remember – in Melksham no-one can hear your scream. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

 

So Close

So Close

I watched that film again today

It’s old and the quality is poor

It only lasts a few short minutes

Showing life as it was once before

 

The footage is jerky and grainy

Flickering, faulting, the focus all over the place

The horses and carts, the men in their hats

The girls in their bonnets, hiding their face

 

Taken from the front of a rolling tram

It follows tracks from the centre of town

Up the hill, and along Manningham Lane

As far as the park, then turning back round

 

And I know every one of these houses and streets

Every tram-stop along the way

It might have been a hundred years ago

But to me it looks like only yesterday

 

And it’s more than just the memories.

The familiarity and the knowledge of years –

There’s something about almost being there

That brings me very close to tears

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Girl Leaving

Girl Leaving

It’s that time late Sunday afternoon

A time that both of us has got to know

There’s just no way of avoiding

The curfew when you have to go

 

I’ll tidy away the abandoned coffee cups

The two empty bottles of red wine

The plates we left in the kitchen

One of them yours, one of them mine

 

I’ll make the bed and straighten the sheets

Clear away the mess that we left behind

It’s a kind of displacement activity

Or some phrase of that kind

 

The weekends are always too short

Precious time that we’ve stolen away

But a few more memorable moments

Before the onslaught of another Monday

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Chicken (or fish) Goujons with Dipping Sauce

Recipe for: CANAPES –CHICKEN (OR FISH) GOUJONS with Dipping Sauce 

Ingredients: 

·        4 chicken breast fillets (or slabs of mackerel/ cod)

·        Lemon juice

·        Olive oil

·        2 eggs, beaten with a little milk

·        Flour

·        Paprika

·        Panko breadcrumbs

·        Vegetable or corn oil for frying 

Method: 

1.      Cut the chicken or fish into thin strips

2.      Place in a bowl and mix with salt & pepper, some lemon juice & a dash of olive oil.  Refrigerate until ready to cook

3.      Assemble three bowls – one with flour, one with the eggs, one with breadcrumbs

4.      Working methodically take each chicken/ fish strip and coat in flour, then egg, then breadcrumbs, and lay out on a play ready to fry

5.      Heat the oil gently.  You don’t want it too hot or the strips will burn on the edge without cooking properly. When a cube of bread browns in 30 secs you’re ready

6.      Working in batches, fry the breaded strips, turning until golden all over

7.      Remove with slotted spoon onto a plate with kitchen paper to drain

8.      Serve with a suitable dip 

What else you need to know: 

1.      Dips – for fish I use tartare or harissa mayo

2.      Dips – for chicken I use BBQ or ketchup

Stone

Stone

They’re going to bombard it

With short pulses of ultrasound

The doctor sounds quite confident

That it won’t long be around

 

They hope it’ll break into pieces

Fragment into passable bits

But I’m not quite so optimistic

In fact it’s giving me the shits

 

What if it hurts?  What if it’s painful?

I’m not so sure that I’ll cope

I have to trust in these medical men

All that I can do now is to hope

 

The next stage is the laser

But that’s not much to my liking

Then keyhole surgery if it gets desperate

To kick the ass of this alien thing

 

It’s grim and it’s aching all day

It niggles inside of my kidney

But I’ve just got to get rid of it

Just how hard can this lozenge be?

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022