Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 11th December 2022
Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:
1. In a week that saw the sad news that the last Boeing 747 has rolled off the production line in Seattle, equally bad local news came when it was announced that the D-Town factory which produces the ferrules that fit on the end of walking sticks is to go on short-time working. A spokesman for owners blamed not enough people going lame or requiring knee and hip replacements these days. “People are far too healthy. Besides they can just get in a car, or order goods online. It’s not like the old times when folks used to risk life and limb to struggle down to the shops for a copy of The Racing Post and a packet of Woodbines. Happy days.”
2. Meanwhile, in a controversial move against its own zero-sugar policy, the Clowncil has announced the green light for the sinking of a new treacle mine on the outskirts of the town. This is the first new treacle mine for 30 years, and will create upwards of 500 refining jobs. It is suspected that some-one may have sugared the deal, or else paid some form of sweetener. And in other industrial moves, Planning Permission is being sought to build a dam across Pewsey Vale in order to create Britain’s largest Gravy Reservoir.
3. And citizens were transfixed by puzzlement and sheer boredom by the release of the first three episodes (of a seemingly endless series) of a new D-Town-based streaming service called Netfucks. It features the needy younger brother of the chap at The Big House on The High Street, and his vapid incomprehensible wife. Together they launch a range of attacks against local people who may have wronged them, such as the Post Office clerk who served another lady in a different queue, the cashier in Lidl who wouldn’t accept their promise to pay later, and the chap who got served first at the bar. Other gripping series are promised by Netfucks – a seven-part adaptation of a novel about watching paint dry, and a 24-part expose of the activities of ursines when entering forested areas.
Copyright Andy
Fawthrop 2022
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