Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 10th March 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 10^th March 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Following various interviews given by Town Councillors, detailed instructions have now been issued to D-Town citizens on how to load a washing machine (and what programme to use), how to stack a refrigerator for optimal storage, and how to iron a shirt properly.  Previous guidance on washing-up, cooking a three-course meal and emptying the bins should be ignored, as once the councillors have been interviewed again, new guidelines are expected to be issued. 

2.    And it has also been announced that bus-routes in the borough are to drop the route-numbers, with which they’ve been associated since Jesus was a boy, in favour of new woke route names.  Details are still to be finalised but the D-Town to TrowVegas route may be named The Shirtlifter Line, D-Town to Chippenham as The County Line(s) and D-Town to The Sham as the Take Life In Your Own Hands Line. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 25th February 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 25^th February 2024

 Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Several streets in D-Town were closed yesterday as police and army technicians struggled to contain the threat of explosions.  The milk-float had been parked for several days in bright sunshine, and it was feared that several bottles of semi-skimmed were about to blow.  After sealing off the vehicle and carrying out a risk-based cheese-making assessment, the decision was made to detonate the deadly cargo in the waters of the K&A canal.  Although several curds were formed, the police managed to get the dangerous liquid a-whey safely.  Had the yoghurt blown, it was feared that nearly £7-worth of damage might be caused. 

2.    Following the utter chaos in the Council chamber on Thursday when politicians from both sides attacked each other, representatives from both Israel and Hamas have appealed for peace and a negotiated settlement.  Also the US Defence Force and the Iranian-backed Houthis have called for calm, but also offered to send weapons in an attempt to bring the wrangling to a final solution. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 11th February 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 11^th February 2024

 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Following the lead of the English FA, D-Town Academicals have decided to adopt the new disciplinary system in all their Anusol (North) League fixtures.  Any player guilty of dissent or threatening behaviour will be shown a blue card and sent off for 10 minutes.  Spitting will attract a green card and 15 minutes, bodily assault a purple card and 20 minutes, and for the worst crimes of diving (or other cheating), a black card and 30 minutes.  

2.    And, during the week, it became known that the chap who lives in the Big House on The High Street is poorly. The exact type of poorliness was not disclosed.  He is expected to be more poorly before he gets better, although his expected course of treatment has not been announced.  His poorliness is not thought to be related to the undisclosed minor illness he had the week before.  His daughter-in-law is also said to be poorly, but with a different undisclosed condition altogether.  The man let it be known that the good wishes of the town’s population has been a great comfort to him, and that he was only too happy to be so transparent and public about his poorliness. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 13th March 2022

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 13^th March 2022 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      D-Town has announced its latest humanitarian visa scheme for people fleeing the war in the Eastern state of Trowvegas.  Applicants will need to complete a mere eighteen forms online, upload at least four recent photographs of a Great Bustard, and provide details of a sponsor who is willing to have them stay in a shed at the foot of their gardens.  Instructions will be in Tagalog, a southern hemisphere language, because….well  the software was really cheap.  Biometrics, in the form of two stool samples, will be taken on Days 3 and 4 after arrival, when the benefits of a poor West Wiltshire diet can be seen most effectively. 

2.      And sanctions against Trowvegas and its supporters are now beginning to really bite.  The billionaires Ollie Gark, Milly Onair and Rich Bastard have all had their arses frozen, and their assets impounded.  Milk deliveries to the Trowvegas sink estates have been curdled and curtailed.  The 49 bus route has been diverted to make it serve stops that are even more inconvenient than usual.  

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 23rd May 2021

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 23^rd 2021 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      D-Town was dealt a further blow to its civic pride last night in the Wiltsovision Song Contest, held in the back room of a seedy pub in the outer reaches of the Chippenham Desolation Zone.  Scoring a record nil points for the forty-seventh consecutive year, the promoters admitted that we might just need to up our game slightly.  In fact the song, delivered by local D-Town favourite Des Perrate, was considered to be so poor that we were lucky to score even zero.  Even the entry by the local Pro-Israeli rap-group Smash Palestine To Bits managed to score more points, in what many consider to be simply a popularity contest.  No music was used in the making of this contest. 

2.      The confusion over the Council’s different advisory colour bandings for travel outside of the borough continues.  Following the previously simple, if occasionally misunderstood, red/amber/ green system, the new 47-shades of confusion guidance is bewildering.  The magenta-band boroughs can only be visited on Wednesday afternoons, and following a successful test for standing on one leg for two minutes.  The light-brown band boroughs, on the other hand, relate to alternating Tuesdays, and require visitors to recite the alphabet backwards three times without error.  Otherwise 5 days’ quarantine is required, but only if there is a “y” in the name of the day. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2021

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 25th October 2020

 Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 25^th October 2020

 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                              

1.      Citizens awoke in D-Town this morning to the shock news that British Summer Time is over and the clocks have gone back an hour.  Taken totally by surprise, people have wondered how this has ever been allowed to happen, and why (oh, why?) there had been so little warning of such an amazing event.  It had all been so unexpected.  A campaign has been launched to have large posters erected in The Vize to warn people of the coming apocalypse of Halloween, Christmas and New Year.  Advance notice on Pancake Day next year will also be given. 

2.      And several charity organisations around the borough have clubbed together to ensure that no school-child goes hungry during the half-term school holidays.  Volunteers, led by local footballer Drew Peacock, have spent the week putting together lunchboxes and distributing them to the local hordes of feral yoof.  The boxes contain a nutritious mix of items designed to mimic as closely as possible the normal school-time luncheon fare – two slices of Dairylea processed cheese, three turkey twizzlers, a packet of salt n’ vinegar crisps, a can of Red Bull and a flick-knife.

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 29th September 2019

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 29^th September 2019

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

1.      It’s been a tough old week in constitutional terms here in The Vize.  On Tuesday the Supreme Higher Internal Trust (SHIT) unanimously ruled that Corporate Regional Acting Parliament (CRAP) had been wrong in its earlier decision the D-Town Area Management  Committee (North) (DAMN) had made to suspend itself.  It also over-turned a previous judgement regarding the Bromham Urban Massif (BUM) and the Chippenham Oversight Committee K-Division (COCK) which had sought to undermine local political democracy.  The Town Council will now meet by lying in a darkened room for several long hours, whilst they figure out how to get out of this mess.

2.      It is estimated that nearly half the 23 people trapped in Trowvegas, after the sudden collapse of Thomas Fuckit bus-lines during the week, have now been picked up by a replacement bus service and returned to D-Town.  Passengers still in Trowvegas who are still to complete their shopping, will be repatriated in the coming days.  Once completed, the bus-lift will have been one of the biggest peace-time transport operations since the breakdown of the local dairy’s milk-float in 1981.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019