Application For The Post Of Spook

Application For The Post of Spook

Dear Sirs, or To Whom It May Concern,

                              I notice with interest that Her Majesty’s Government has recently been implicated in allegations that members of GCHQ may be eaves-dropping on the Internet traffic of UK citizens (and others) in the continuing struggle to combat International Terrorism in all its forms.  I am reassured by the words of the Foreign Secretary that those citizens with nothing to hide have nothing to fear.  I wish to state, here and now, that I have nothing to hide.

However, I am concerned to understand that there cannot possibly be enough people available to carry out this detailed level of bugging, I mean “monitoring”.  Clearly we need sufficient personnel to tap the phones, listen to conversations, hack into email and social media, and read the private messages of all its citizens in order to provide a fully-comprehensive coverage of all potential threats.

It goes without saying that I wish to support any measures which our valiant and glorious British Government sees fit to take in preserving our freedoms in this country, although I would not wish you to think that I am one of those swivel-eyed right-wing loonies that one hears so much about.  As a matter of fact, I gave up my memberships of both the EDL and the Klu Klux Klan many months ago, as I did not have time for all the dressing up and for attending rallies.  Accordingly I am now a free agent, I have a lot of time on my hands, and I would consequently like to apply for a post as a Spook.  I am sure that you probably do not refer to your operatives as Spooks – probably Operatives or Agents, but I’m sure you understand exactly what I mean.

Obviously, I would expect to start at the bottom of the career ladder as a Trainee or Junior Spook, before rising (through hard work and diligent application) up to the levels of Spook, Senior Spook or even Head of Spooks.  I don’t know what this is called.  If the Head of MI5 is referred to as “M”, I assume that Head of Spooks would be simply “S”, but I am happy to go with whatever code-word you think is appropriate. I would also like to enrol in the Civil Service Pension Scheme before it finally closes.

My qualifications for the post, I think you’ll agree, are both impressive and comprehensive.  Obviously, through reading my emails and listening to my phone calls, you will already be familiar with what they are, but I thought it might be useful to summarise them here, to save you the trouble of having to do deep data-mining on your database, and combing back through my records.

1.      Firstly, I am very patriotic. I like the Union Jack, and do not study my finger nails when the National Anthem is played. I know nearly all the words to the first verse, but could easily pick up the rest if this is deemed important.  I am very fond of the Queen and the Royal Family, and have a large collection of stamps and bank-notes with her picture on them.

2.      Secondly I have a comprehensive selection of I-Spy books, some of which date back to the early Nineteen-sixties.

3.      I still have my special pen loaded with lemon-juice ink so that I can do secret writing, and I have been studying the book “The Dummies Guide to Writing in Code”.

4.      I have my own computer, so I can easily work from home.  This will save the cost of providing me with a Spook’s desk in GCHQ.  I can attend any meetings required via Skype, although I could turn the web-cam off to provide additional anonymity.

5.      I am familiar with email, Facebook and the Internet, which I could use for spying on others.  In fact I have already come across quite a lot of useful stuff that I think you might be interested in.  For example, using Google, I have managed to Google the little-known fact that Google are not paying much by way of UK taxes.  Who knew?

6.      Language skills: I could almost be described as tri-lingual. I did French to A-level standard at school, and still remember quite a lot of German from my GCSEs.  I’d like to claim Latin too, but I have forgotten quite a lot of that.  Besides, I don’t expect that many of The Taliban, ISIS or Al-Queda do their terrorism in Latin. Or do they?  Perhaps you know something I don’t?  But I’m sure this would be covered in the recruitment briefing.

7.      I have no moral qualms about spying on friends and allies.  You should hear what some of them say about you guys behind your backs.  Unless you already know of course?  Mum’s the word!

I realise that this Application Letter must be treated with the utmost security, and would not expect you to reply using electronic methods, which might be intercepted (ha ha!).  Accordingly, please leave a coded signal under the big stone near the Bus Stop on Parker Street.  No-one would dream of looking there.  It can be our secret. If you leave a set of car-keys for my company car there by next Tuesday, I will know that I have been successful, and we need never tell anyone.

For security purposes, once you have read this letter, please destroy it by eating it.  No-one need ever know.

Keep up the good work.

Yours sincerely…………Andy Fawthrop.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Application For The Post Of Spook

Application For The Post of Spook

Dear Sirs, or To Whom It May Concern,

                                I notice with interest that Her Majesty’s Government has recently been implicated in allegations that members of GCHQ may be eaves-dropping on the Internet traffic of UK citizens (and others) in the continuing struggle to combat International Terrorism in all its forms.  I am reassured by the words of Mr William Hague, Foreign Secretary that those citizens with nothing to hide have nothing to fear.  I wish to state, here and now, that I have nothing to hide.

However, I am concerned to understand that there cannot possibly be enough people available to carry out this detailed level of bugging, I mean monitoring. Clearly we need sufficient personnel to tap the phones, listen to conversations, hack into email and social media, and read the private messages of all its citizens in order to provide a fully-comprehensive coverage of all potential threats.

It goes without saying that I wish to support any measures which our valiant and glorious British Government sees fit to take in preserving our freedoms in this country, although I would not wish you to think that I am one of those swivel-eyed right-wing loonies that one hears so much about. As a matter of fact, I gave up my memberships of both the EDL and the Klu Klux Klan many months ago, as I did not have time for all the dressing up and for attending rallies.  Accordingly I am now a free agent, I have a lot of time on my hands, and I would consequently like to apply for a post as a Spook.  I am sure that you probably do not refer to your operatives as Spooks – probably Operatives or Agents, but I’m sure you understand exactly what I mean.

Obviously, I would expect to start at the bottom of the career ladder as a Trainee or Junior Spook, before rising (through hard work and diligent application) up to the levels of Spook, Senior Spook or even Head of Spooks.  I don’t know what this is called.  If the Head of MI5 is referred to as “M”, I assume that Head of Spooks would be simply “S”, but I am happy to go with whatever code-word you think is appropriate. I would also like to enrol in the Civil Service Pension Scheme before it finally closes.

My qualifications for the post, I think you’ll agree, are both impressive and comprehensive.  Obviously, through reading my emails and listening to my phone calls, you will already be familiar with what they are, but I thought it might be useful to summarise them here, to save you the trouble of having to do deep data-mining on your database, and combing back through my records.

1.       Firstly, I am very patriotic. I like the Union Jack, and do not study my finger nails when the National Anthem is played. I know nearly all the words to the first verse, but could easily pick up the rest if this is deemed important.  I am very fond of the Queen and the Royal Family, and have a large collection of stamps and bank-notes with her picture on them.

2.       Secondly I have a comprehensive selection of I-Spy books, some of which date back to the early sixties.

3.       I still have my special pen loaded with lemon-juice ink so that I can do secret writing, and I have been studying the book “The Dummies Guide to Writing in Code”.

4.       I have my own computer, so I can easily work from home.  This will save the cost of providing me with a Spook’s desk in GCHQ.  I can attend any meetings required via Skype, although I could turn the web-cam off to provide additional anonymity.

5.       I am familiar with email, Facebook and the Internet, which I could use for spying on others.  In fact I have already come across quite a lot of useful stuff that I think you might be interested in.  For example, using Google, I have managed to Google the little-known fact that Google are not paying much by way of UK taxes.  Who knew?

6.       Language skills: I could almost be described as tri-lingual. I did French to A-level standard at school, and still remember quite a lot of German from my GCSEs.  I’d like to claim Latin too, but I have forgotten quite a lot of that.  Besides, I don’t expect that many of The Taliban or Al-Queda do their terrorism in Latin. Or do they?  Perhaps you know something I don’t?  But I’m sure this would be covered in the recruitment briefing.

7.       I have no moral qualms about spying on friends and allies.  You should hear what some of them say about you guys behind your backs.  Unless you already know of course?  Mum’s the word!

I realise that this Application Letter must be treated with the utmost security, and would not expect you to reply using electronic methods, which might be intercepted (ha ha!).  Accordingly, please leave a coded signal under the big stone near the Bus Stop on Parker Street.  No-one would dream of looking there.  It can be our secret. If you leave a set of car-keys for my company car there by next Tuesday, I will know that I have been successful, and we need never tell anyone.

For security purposes, once you have read this letter, please destroy it by eating it.  No-one need ever know.

Keep up the good work.

Yours sincerely…………Andy Fawthrop.

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

The Iron Ladle

The Iron Ladle

Have you been personally devastated since the demise of The Leaderene? Are you at a loss now that the real back-bone has been taken away from the Conservative Party?  Do the antics of David Cameron and George Osborne make you weep in frustration?  Would you like a way in which you can remember the greatest Prime Minister that Grantham has ever produced?

Wait no more - we have the perfect answer for you: The Iron Ladle.

Yes, the City Guild of Senior Conservative Crusties has great pleasure in announcing the release of a strictly limited edition of this highly-desirable and collectable “Baroness Thatcher Commemorative Iron Ladle”.

This delightful and valuable piece has been designed by a specialist committee of Thatcher experts, including Sir Geoffrey Howe, Sir Michael Heseltine, Sir Cecil Parkinson and, of course, Lord Arthur Scargill.

It will be available in a range of colours, including Steely Grey, True Blue and Coal Black (oh, sorry, this last one is no longer available).

This is a rare opportunity to own a beautiful utensil-cum-momento-mori, and is expected to be of considerable investment value over the long-term.

This item is not only attractive in its own right, but is practical too.  It will remind you of This Country’s Greatest Post-War Leader every time that you engage in any type of stirring activity.  In terms of decoration, no expense has been spared.  The handle has been lovingly hand-tooled with images of Handbags Rampant, and of the Sinking Of The Belgrano, in a fascinating inter-twined pattern. It will arrive encased in a specially-designed box in the shape of The Falkland Islands, and will be accompanied by a numbered Certificate Of Authenticity, under-written by a facsimile of the signature of Margaret Hilda Roberts.

Whether you are a lonely Trades Union Member, or still work in one of Britain’s remaining manufacturing industries, or are currently unemployed, or whether you simply live in your own ex-Council House, you are bound to find that this ladle will move you to tears.  In fact, we anticipate an extremely strong reaction, once the date for this opportunity-to-own has been released.

Whatever your feelings, however, we think that you will find this item so attractive to look at, that you will not wish to use it in the kitchen at all – in fact, you could say that “This Ladle’s Not For Turning".


Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2013

Well, if the Pope is stepping down.....

Application for the post of Pontiff

Dear Sirs,

                                I read with interest your advertisement in The Catholic Herald for the post of next Pontiff, and I would like to apply for the role, which I understand is based in Rome. 

On this point, I wonder if there would be any possibility to work from home for a few days a week?  Alternatively I could pop in to Westminster Cathedral to pick up mail, attend meetings and so on.  I can be quite flexible on this issue. 

I realise the facts that, being a younger man, not being a Cardinal and, indeed, not being an actual Roman Catholic may at first glance appear to disbar me from your consideration, but I would beg you all to consider my skills and aptitudes for this demanding role, as set out in my CV below. 

1.       Age and Health – being only in my fifties, I have excellent health, so I’d be able to carry out the no doubt onerous duties of papal oversight.  I do not need a cane or a Zimmer frame, and can walk unaided for long distances.  Getting up and down stairs in the Vatican would be no problem.  I also understand that the role requires a lot of kneeling and some hand gestures, and I would find both of these things easy.

2.       High Church Office – I have previously applied for the post of Archbishop of Canterbury.  Although I was unsuccessful on that occasion, I have reason to believe that the Synod of the Church of England were frankly amazed at the quality of my application.  They did not say as much, but I’m sure that was the case.  I realize the Anglicans and your lot fell out a few hundred years ago, but I think it’s time to let bygones be bygones, don’t you?

3.       Working With Children – I have been CRB checked within the last twelve months.  And that business in the orphanage a few years ago was never proved.

4.       Celibacy – although I was married and, indeed, have four children, I am now divorced and single.  Although not through my own choice, I have been celibate for the past couple of years, and I reckon I could keep it up for a few more years, if that aspect is deemed to be particularly important.

5.       Religious Knowledge – I’ve read the Bible of course, although I do think it’s a bit over-rated.  It’s rather repetitious and contradictory in places, but I’ve got some ideas about that.  If appointed to The Holy See, I would get some copy-writers to go right through it and do a proper editing job.  I’m sure it could be shortened quite considerably.  Think of the costs we could save on printing & distribution!

6.       Papal Bull – I know that the last few post-holders were full of this, and I think I can confidently say that I would be too.

7.       Latin – I did this to O-level in school and got a “C” grade.  I’m sure I could brush it up a little, although I do remember some key phrases that could be useful during papal audiences, such as:

·         NIL CARBORUNDUM DESPERANDUM – or “don’t let the bastards grind you down” and

·         IN LOCO PARENTIS – or “my father is an engine-driver”

8.       Travel – I understand that a great deal of world-wide travel is involved.  This would be no problem as I already have a frequent-flyer card and an airport-lounge pass.  I assume that Alitalia run a similar loyalty scheme for regular customers?

9.       Company Car – I have a full clean UK Driver’s Licence, which I assume would be OK in Italy, and probably not needed at all around the streets of Vatican City?  Anyway, we could make further savings here, as you would not need to employ a separate driver – I could drive the pope-Mobile myself.  I assume that there is a free petrol allowance each month?  Please advise. 

To summarise then: as you can see, not only do I have all of the skills that you would need for a Keeper Of The Keys Of St Peter, but I’m full of really good ideas too. 

PAX VOBISCUM…………….Andy Fawthrop

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2013

Application for the post of Governor Of The Bank Of England

Application for the post of Governor Of The Bank Of England

Dear Sirs,

                                I read your advertisement for the post of Governor Of The Bank Of England in last week’s Economist with great interest, and I would like to apply for the role. 

Obviously you will be interested to learn of the skills and aptitudes I possess that would fit me for the requirements of this role.  I shall attempt to outline these below. 

1.       Good economic knowledge – although I am not entirely clued up about LIBOR and the European Exchange Mechanism, I have often used an Excel spreadsheet.  I can use all the basic functions, and am teaching myself how to use formulas.  If there is anything needed beyond this, I understand that there are a range of self-help tutorials available from Microsoft.  Regarding your reference to QE, I assume this refers to the Queen Elizabeth and can assure you that, although I have not personally travelled on this liner, my Auntie travelled to New York on it a few months ago, and can answer any questions that you may have.

2.       Long-range economic forecasting – well, how long is a piece of string?  That feller you had before, that Marlon King was he called? He didn’t seem to be too clued up about it, did he?  However, I’d be prepared to have a go.  For example, I would predict that if I am unsuccessful in this application, I will remain skint for the foreseeable future.  I would also venture to suggest that if Greece pulls out of the Euro anytime soon, my holiday in Corfu is going to get a whole lot cheaper.  Am I wrong about this?  You tell me!

3.       Money Supply – I have personal experience of this in spades.  Having several teenage daughters, I fully understand that there is not enough of this.  If the money supply could be increased, I feel sure that the demand for it would quickly subside.  No problem there, I’m sure you’ll agree.

4.       Good Interpersonal Skills – You know, I like, totally get that?  I once worked in a Call Centre, so I have done the two-day course on how to talk to punters.  I know that some of the callers can be, like, complete idiots, but you have to be real careful about what you say to them.  A colleague of mine once told a customer to “get a life”, but I would never do that.  Not while the call was still live anyway.

5.       Monetary Policy Committee – it’s like chairing a meeting once a month, right?  How hard can that be?  I had a job once where I had to go to meetings, like, once a day sometimes.  You need have no sweat on this one.

6.       Dealing with senior politicians – if you mean those Tory posh-boys Cameron and Osborne, don’t worry, we used to beat the crap out of people worse than that on the school bus pretty regular.  They soon shut up once you pinch their dinner money.  And you don’t really have to talk to that other adenoidal one if you don’t want to, right?  He’s a Miliband, isn’t he?  Is it Ed or David these days?  I forget which, but I can soon find out if it’s important. 

I’m sure you’ll agree that this makes me a very strong candidate, and I look forward to my all expenses-paid trip to London for the interview.  However, before deciding whether it’s worth my while coming all that way, there are a few questions I have for you which I would like answering first: 

1.       Is there any shift work involved?  I’m not at my best in the mornings, particularly Mondays.  And I need to get away by about 5pm so that I’ve got time to go to the pub before the good stuff comes on TV in the evenings.

2.       Do I get any staff discount on new money?

3.       Will I be able to use the money-printing machine for private purposes at week-ends?  Will I have an executive key or something?

4.       What make of executive limousine do you normally provide?  I don’t like Rollers or Bentleys cause the kids round here tend to throw bricks at them, but I would consider a Jaguar or a Ferrari.

5.       How often do you pay out obscene levels of bonus?  I only ask because Christmas was a bit tough last year and we’d like to get a bigger turkey this time if possible. 

Finally, I’d just like to say, with regard to the interview, that it would be best to avoid Thursdays, as that is the day I have to pick up my Job Seeker’s Allowance. 

All the best………..Andy Fawthrop

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012