Application For The Post Of Spook

Application For The Post of Spook

Dear Sirs, or To Whom It May Concern,

                                I notice with interest that Her Majesty’s Government has recently been implicated in allegations that members of GCHQ may be eaves-dropping on the Internet traffic of UK citizens (and others) in the continuing struggle to combat International Terrorism in all its forms.  I am reassured by the words of Mr William Hague, Foreign Secretary that those citizens with nothing to hide have nothing to fear.  I wish to state, here and now, that I have nothing to hide.

However, I am concerned to understand that there cannot possibly be enough people available to carry out this detailed level of bugging, I mean monitoring. Clearly we need sufficient personnel to tap the phones, listen to conversations, hack into email and social media, and read the private messages of all its citizens in order to provide a fully-comprehensive coverage of all potential threats.

It goes without saying that I wish to support any measures which our valiant and glorious British Government sees fit to take in preserving our freedoms in this country, although I would not wish you to think that I am one of those swivel-eyed right-wing loonies that one hears so much about. As a matter of fact, I gave up my memberships of both the EDL and the Klu Klux Klan many months ago, as I did not have time for all the dressing up and for attending rallies.  Accordingly I am now a free agent, I have a lot of time on my hands, and I would consequently like to apply for a post as a Spook.  I am sure that you probably do not refer to your operatives as Spooks – probably Operatives or Agents, but I’m sure you understand exactly what I mean.

Obviously, I would expect to start at the bottom of the career ladder as a Trainee or Junior Spook, before rising (through hard work and diligent application) up to the levels of Spook, Senior Spook or even Head of Spooks.  I don’t know what this is called.  If the Head of MI5 is referred to as “M”, I assume that Head of Spooks would be simply “S”, but I am happy to go with whatever code-word you think is appropriate. I would also like to enrol in the Civil Service Pension Scheme before it finally closes.

My qualifications for the post, I think you’ll agree, are both impressive and comprehensive.  Obviously, through reading my emails and listening to my phone calls, you will already be familiar with what they are, but I thought it might be useful to summarise them here, to save you the trouble of having to do deep data-mining on your database, and combing back through my records.

1.       Firstly, I am very patriotic. I like the Union Jack, and do not study my finger nails when the National Anthem is played. I know nearly all the words to the first verse, but could easily pick up the rest if this is deemed important.  I am very fond of the Queen and the Royal Family, and have a large collection of stamps and bank-notes with her picture on them.

2.       Secondly I have a comprehensive selection of I-Spy books, some of which date back to the early sixties.

3.       I still have my special pen loaded with lemon-juice ink so that I can do secret writing, and I have been studying the book “The Dummies Guide to Writing in Code”.

4.       I have my own computer, so I can easily work from home.  This will save the cost of providing me with a Spook’s desk in GCHQ.  I can attend any meetings required via Skype, although I could turn the web-cam off to provide additional anonymity.

5.       I am familiar with email, Facebook and the Internet, which I could use for spying on others.  In fact I have already come across quite a lot of useful stuff that I think you might be interested in.  For example, using Google, I have managed to Google the little-known fact that Google are not paying much by way of UK taxes.  Who knew?

6.       Language skills: I could almost be described as tri-lingual. I did French to A-level standard at school, and still remember quite a lot of German from my GCSEs.  I’d like to claim Latin too, but I have forgotten quite a lot of that.  Besides, I don’t expect that many of The Taliban or Al-Queda do their terrorism in Latin. Or do they?  Perhaps you know something I don’t?  But I’m sure this would be covered in the recruitment briefing.

7.       I have no moral qualms about spying on friends and allies.  You should hear what some of them say about you guys behind your backs.  Unless you already know of course?  Mum’s the word!

I realise that this Application Letter must be treated with the utmost security, and would not expect you to reply using electronic methods, which might be intercepted (ha ha!).  Accordingly, please leave a coded signal under the big stone near the Bus Stop on Parker Street.  No-one would dream of looking there.  It can be our secret. If you leave a set of car-keys for my company car there by next Tuesday, I will know that I have been successful, and we need never tell anyone.

For security purposes, once you have read this letter, please destroy it by eating it.  No-one need ever know.

Keep up the good work.

Yours sincerely…………Andy Fawthrop.

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014