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Monday, 19 November 2012

Application for the post of Governor Of The Bank Of England

Application for the post of Governor Of The Bank Of England

Dear Sirs,
                                I read your advertisement for the post of Governor Of The Bank Of England in last week’s Economist with great interest, and I would like to apply for the role. 

Obviously you will be interested to learn of the skills and aptitudes I possess that would fit me for the requirements of this role.  I shall attempt to outline these below. 

1.       Good economic knowledge – although I am not entirely clued up about LIBOR and the European Exchange Mechanism, I have often used an Excel spreadsheet.  I can use all the basic functions, and am teaching myself how to use formulas.  If there is anything needed beyond this, I understand that there are a range of self-help tutorials available from Microsoft.  Regarding your reference to QE, I assume this refers to the Queen Elizabeth and can assure you that, although I have not personally travelled on this liner, my Auntie travelled to New York on it a few months ago, and can answer any questions that you may have.

2.       Long-range economic forecasting – well, how long is a piece of string?  That feller you had before, that Marlon King was he called? He didn’t seem to be too clued up about it, did he?  However, I’d be prepared to have a go.  For example, I would predict that if I am unsuccessful in this application, I will remain skint for the foreseeable future.  I would also venture to suggest that if Greece pulls out of the Euro anytime soon, my holiday in Corfu is going to get a whole lot cheaper.  Am I wrong about this?  You tell me!

3.       Money Supply – I have personal experience of this in spades.  Having several teenage daughters, I fully understand that there is not enough of this.  If the money supply could be increased, I feel sure that the demand for it would quickly subside.  No problem there, I’m sure you’ll agree.

4.       Good Interpersonal Skills – You know, I like, totally get that?  I once worked in a Call Centre, so I have done the two-day course on how to talk to punters.  I know that some of the callers can be, like, complete idiots, but you have to be real careful about what you say to them.  A colleague of mine once told a customer to “get a life”, but I would never do that.  Not while the call was still live anyway.

5.       Monetary Policy Committee – it’s like chairing a meeting once a month, right?  How hard can that be?  I had a job once where I had to go to meetings, like, once a day sometimes.  You need have no sweat on this one.

6.       Dealing with senior politicians – if you mean those Tory posh-boys Cameron and Osborne, don’t worry, we used to beat the crap out of people worse than that on the school bus pretty regular.  They soon shut up once you pinch their dinner money.  And you don’t really have to talk to that other adenoidal one if you don’t want to, right?  He’s a Miliband, isn’t he?  Is it Ed or David these days?  I forget which, but I can soon find out if it’s important. 

I’m sure you’ll agree that this makes me a very strong candidate, and I look forward to my all expenses-paid trip to London for the interview.  However, before deciding whether it’s worth my while coming all that way, there are a few questions I have for you which I would like answering first: 

1.       Is there any shift work involved?  I’m not at my best in the mornings, particularly Mondays.  And I need to get away by about 5pm so that I’ve got time to go to the pub before the good stuff comes on TV in the evenings.

2.       Do I get any staff discount on new money?

3.       Will I be able to use the money-printing machine for private purposes at week-ends?  Will I have an executive key or something?

4.       What make of executive limousine do you normally provide?  I don’t like Rollers or Bentleys cause the kids round here tend to throw bricks at them, but I would consider a Jaguar or a Ferrari.

5.       How often do you pay out obscene levels of bonus?  I only ask because Christmas was a bit tough last year and we’d like to get a bigger turkey this time if possible. 

Finally, I’d just like to say, with regard to the interview, that it would be best to avoid Thursdays, as that is the day I have to pick up my Job Seeker’s Allowance. 

All the best………..Andy Fawthrop
 
Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012

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