Dear Sirs,
I read your advertisement for the
post of Governor Of The Bank Of England in last week’s Economist with great
interest, and I would like to apply for the role.
Obviously you will be
interested to learn of the skills and aptitudes I possess that would fit me for
the requirements of this role. I shall
attempt to outline these below.
1. Good economic knowledge – although I am not entirely clued up about LIBOR and
the European Exchange Mechanism, I have often used an Excel spreadsheet. I can use all the basic functions, and am
teaching myself how to use formulas. If
there is anything needed beyond this, I understand that there are a range of
self-help tutorials available from Microsoft.
Regarding your reference to QE, I assume this refers to the Queen
Elizabeth and can assure you that, although I have not personally travelled on
this liner, my Auntie travelled to New York on it a few months ago, and can
answer any questions that you may have.
2. Long-range economic forecasting – well, how long is a piece of string? That feller you had before, that Marlon King
was he called? He didn’t seem to be too clued up about it, did he? However, I’d be prepared to have a go. For example, I would predict that if I am
unsuccessful in this application, I will remain skint for the foreseeable
future. I would also venture to suggest
that if Greece pulls out of the Euro anytime soon, my holiday in Corfu is going
to get a whole lot cheaper. Am I wrong
about this? You tell me!
3. Money Supply –
I have personal experience of this in spades.
Having several teenage daughters, I fully understand that there is not
enough of this. If the money supply
could be increased, I feel sure that the demand for it would quickly
subside. No problem there, I’m sure
you’ll agree.
4. Good Interpersonal Skills – You know, I like, totally get that? I once worked in a Call Centre, so I have
done the two-day course on how to talk to punters. I know that some of the callers can be, like,
complete idiots, but you have to be real careful about what you say to them. A colleague of mine once told a customer to
“get a life”, but I would never do that.
Not while the call was still live anyway.
5. Monetary Policy Committee – it’s like chairing a meeting once a month,
right? How hard can that be? I had a job once where I had to go to
meetings, like, once a day sometimes.
You need have no sweat on this one.
6. Dealing with senior politicians – if you mean those Tory posh-boys Cameron and
Osborne, don’t worry, we used to beat the crap out of people worse than that on
the school bus pretty regular. They soon
shut up once you pinch their dinner money.
And you don’t really have to talk to that other adenoidal one if you
don’t want to, right? He’s a Miliband,
isn’t he? Is it Ed or David these
days? I forget which, but I can soon
find out if it’s important.
I’m sure you’ll agree that
this makes me a very strong candidate, and I look forward to my all expenses-paid
trip to London for the interview.
However, before deciding whether it’s worth my while coming all that
way, there are a few questions I have for you which I would like answering
first:
1. Is there any shift work involved? I’m not at my best in the mornings,
particularly Mondays. And I need to get
away by about 5pm so that I’ve got time to go to the pub before the good stuff
comes on TV in the evenings.
2. Do I get any staff discount on new money?
3. Will I be able to use the money-printing machine for
private purposes at week-ends? Will I
have an executive key or something?
4. What make of executive limousine do you normally provide? I don’t like Rollers or Bentleys cause the
kids round here tend to throw bricks at them, but I would consider a Jaguar or
a Ferrari.
5. How often do you pay out obscene levels of bonus? I only ask because Christmas was a bit tough
last year and we’d like to get a bigger turkey this time if possible.
Finally, I’d just like to
say, with regard to the interview, that it would be best to avoid Thursdays, as
that is the day I have to pick up my Job Seeker’s Allowance.
All the best………..Andy
Fawthrop
Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012
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