Dear Sirs,
I read with interest your
advertisement in The Catholic Herald for the post of next Pontiff, and I would
like to apply for the role, which I understand is based in Rome.
On this point, I wonder if
there would be any possibility to work from home for a few days a week? Alternatively I could pop in to Westminster
Cathedral to pick up mail, attend meetings and so on. I can be quite flexible on this issue.
I realise the facts that,
being a younger man, not being a Cardinal and, indeed, not being an actual
Roman Catholic may at first glance appear to disbar me from your consideration,
but I would beg you all to consider my skills and aptitudes for this demanding
role, as set out in my CV below.
1. Age and Health
– being only in my fifties, I have excellent health, so I’d be able to carry
out the no doubt onerous duties of papal oversight. I do not need a cane or a Zimmer frame, and
can walk unaided for long distances.
Getting up and down stairs in the Vatican would be no problem. I also understand that the role requires a
lot of kneeling and some hand gestures, and I would find both of these things
easy.
2. High Church Office – I have previously applied for the post of Archbishop of
Canterbury. Although I was unsuccessful
on that occasion, I have reason to believe that the Synod of the Church of
England were frankly amazed at the quality of my application. They did not say as much, but I’m sure that
was the case. I realize the Anglicans
and your lot fell out a few hundred years ago, but I think it’s time to let
bygones be bygones, don’t you?
3. Working With Children – I have been CRB checked within the last twelve
months. And that business in the
orphanage a few years ago was never proved.
4. Celibacy –
although I was married and, indeed, have four children, I am now divorced and
single. Although not through my own
choice, I have been celibate for the past couple of years, and I reckon I could
keep it up for a few more years, if that aspect is deemed to be particularly
important.
5. Religious Knowledge – I’ve read the Bible of course, although I do think it’s a bit
over-rated. It’s rather repetitious and
contradictory in places, but I’ve got some ideas about that. If appointed to The Holy See, I would get
some copy-writers to go right through it and do a proper editing job. I’m sure it could be shortened quite
considerably. Think of the costs we
could save on printing & distribution!
6. Papal Bull –
I know that the last few post-holders were full of this, and I think I can
confidently say that I would be too.
7. Latin – I
did this to O-level in school and got a “C” grade. I’m sure I could brush it up a little,
although I do remember some key phrases that could be useful during papal
audiences, such as:
·
NIL CARBORUNDUM
DESPERANDUM – or “don’t let the bastards grind you down” and
·
IN LOCO PARENTIS
– or “my father is an engine-driver”
8. Travel – I
understand that a great deal of world-wide travel is involved. This would be no problem as I already have a
frequent-flyer card and an airport-lounge pass.
I assume that Alitalia run a similar loyalty scheme for regular
customers?
9. Company Car
– I have a full clean UK Driver’s Licence, which I assume would be OK in Italy,
and probably not needed at all around the streets of Vatican City? Anyway, we could make further savings here,
as you would not need to employ a separate driver – I could drive the
pope-Mobile myself. I assume that there
is a free petrol allowance each month?
Please advise.
To summarise then: as you
can see, not only do I have all of the skills that you would need for a Keeper
Of The Keys Of St Peter, but I’m full of really good ideas too.
PAX VOBISCUM…………….Andy
Fawthrop
Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2013
No comments:
Post a Comment