Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 3rd December 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 3^rd December 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      A further diplomatic row has broken out between D-Town and Trowvegas, after the leader of the Council abruptly cancelled a meeting with the Trowvegas leader, citing the breaking of an agreement not to mention the milk bottles.  The dispute centres on an incident from nearly a hundred years ago when a D-Town-based milkman, having encroached his round into Hilperton, took a number of empty milk-bottles from a doorstep, claiming that he’d been given permission to remove them.  Trowvegas disputes this interpretation, and has fought for years to have the bottles returned to their proper dairy, where they would be used to fill crates with currently empty cells.  The D-Town Museum, where the bottles are currently on display, refused to comment. 

2.    And another fascinating week has been endured at the D-Town Covid Enquiry, where evidence has been taken from various key players in the Pandemic during 2020 and 2021.  The Director of Public Health at the time, quite a Witty man, blamed the Chief Scientist Sir Liberty Vallance, who in turn blamed the Chief Medical Officer Jonathan Van Driver, who in turn cast doubt on the competence of the politicians Boris “Bonkers” Johnson and The Bandwagon, “Dishy” Rishi Bagatelle and Matt Hand-on-cock. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 26th November 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 26^th November 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The streets of D-Town were deserted yesterday evening, and tumbleweed blew through the empty shop doorways in The Brittox.  The entire population, so evident in the Market Place in their thousands on Friday night, had entirely evaporated.  Shops closed early and the pubs were deserted.  Even Wetherspoons regulars had apparently gone missing.  Meanwhile on The Green the sight of a tattered old police-box, emerging through the mist and accompanied by grinding noises, had attracted the attention of a few wild birds.  A man, who had emerged from the box, with wild hair and claiming to be a doctor, accompanied by a young girl (possibly under sixteen) was arrested on suspicion of time-travelling without a licence, and the kidnap of a minor. 

2.    Earlier in the week citizens had been shocked to discover that time was indeed merely a relative concept.  Not only did Black Friday begin on Tuesday afternoon, but it also lasted for a week in some areas, and a whole month in other places.  Maudlin Monday and Purple Thursdays are concepts that are yet to take off, but Christmas will now begin (according to leading supermarkets) in August.  Easter eggs are due in the shops on New Year’s Day.  And, although it’s months yet until pancake day, the shops are already full of milk, flour and eggs. Go figure. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 19th November 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 19^th November 2023

 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The Tory leader of the Local Council has now completed his Cabinet re-shuffle.  In a vain attempt to appeal to hard-line right-wingers before the upcoming election next year, leader Richman So-Nice has drafted in some elder statesmen from the past.  The Foreign Secretary will be Pitt The Elder, the Home Secretary’s portfolio will be assumed by Benjamin Disraeli, and the Chancellor of the Exchequer will be Winston Churchill.  Facing criticism on these appointments, a spokesperson defended the move, saying that, under current Clowncil rules, pre-decease is no bar to holding public office. 

2.    And, after failing in its bid to nationalise Greggs, the Clowncil has decided to enact a local by-law which changes the status of any purveyor of hot steak bakes from “bakery” to “betting shop”, thus bringing the chain under local planning control.  A further by-law will also come into force whereby any by-law that nationalises a betting shop cannot be further challenged in court.  The Clowncil batted away any claims that this was not democratic.  And, in further surprise moves, bears denied having any defecatory intentions towards woodland, and the Pontiff of Rome has pooh-poohed any idea that he had any leanings towards a censer-based religion based in the Italian capital. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 12th November 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 12^th November 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The streets of D-Town were awash with police and armed forces yesterday, in anticipation of public disorder as a protest rally (described by the Secretary of the Town Council as a “hate march”) took place.  The march, which was described as “Pro-Sainsbury” by its supporters, but “Anti-Lidl” by its detractors, passed off with little violence.  Almost one person was arrested, and a compromise was reached when both sides agreed to share a ready meal from Marks & Spencer’s Food Hall.  A simultaneous peaceful vigil outside Iceland passed off without incident. 

2.      Meanwhile, the corner shop in Hillworth has broken ranks with its competitors by removing its single self-service checkout till.  Customers at the shop will be transported back decades in time by being forced to take their purchases up to the counter and pay for them by using the services of a “shopkeeper”.  It is expected that a “cheery word” protocol will be introduced, together with Please & Thank-You procedures.  Thought is also being put into the ideas of “no tick, so please don’t ask” and “buy one, pay for one” as new marketing ploys, but thatr is very much under wraps at the moment. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 22nd October 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 22^nd October 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The streets were filled last night with disappointed rugby fans, as D-Town Ramblers narrowly failed in their bid to reach the final of the West Wiltshire (Northern Section) Germolene Cup.  Having led by the narrowest of margins (one sin-bin, one cauliflower ear, one cut lip and one abusive tirade at the ref to two dislocated fingers), the side were forced to concede a last-minute penalty for singing in the scrum.  Afterwards the captain Chris P. Bacon, admitted that his team had simply not been good enough, but said that he was proud of the team for the broken noses, black eyes and violent tackles they’d handed out to the opposition. 

2.      And in an entirely expected turn of events, two Tory councillors lost their seats to Starmerite Centrists in two local by-elections.  In a massive turn-out of nearly 5%, the voters of D-Town clearly showed exactly what they thought of modern-day politics and politicians.  The Tories lost majorities of nearly 5 and 7 respectively, which is a record for the size of a double landslide this side of the Covid holiday.  Truly we are living in The End Times. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 15th October 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 15^th October 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      It’s been a long week in local politics, with all the major parties holding their annual conferences, many of them in Mrs Bustle’s Cake & Tea Emporium on the High Street.  Attendance was rumoured to be almost in double digits, as the two-for-the-price-of-one offer on eclairs (2pm to 4pm only, conditions apply) cut keenly across many planned timetables.  On Monday the men in blue suits said one thing, whilst on Wednesday the men in grey suits said exactly the opposite.  Only one of the leaders was reported to have delivered a really glittering performance. 

2.      The situation in war-torn TrowVegas continues to worsen.  The Council, in what is widely seen as an aggressive and provocative statement, has ordered all the citizens at the northern end of the town to move to the southern end.  This is to allow a planned invasion of street-cleaners, drain-flushers and milk-floats.  Other communities in Wiltshire have expressed their concern and advocated restraint and proportionality so that innocent civilians are not injured during these Council Manoeuvres in The Dark. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 8th October 2023

 Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 8^th October 2023

 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      In an act of mindless vandalism, the tree that stood at the cross-roads between Drove Road and the Westway, has been cut down.  Beloved of dogs and walkers desperte for a piss alike, the loss of this rural urinal will hit the community hard.  The tree at Piss-Pot Gap was a sizeable specimen, providing shelter for urinaters and wildlife alike.  “It’s a real shame,” declared one local ne’er-do-well.  “Now we’ll  have to walk nearly twenty yards to get behind a wall for a wazz.  Unless the general public wants to see us all waving our wongas in the air?” 

2.      And in another blow to local transport policy, it was announced this week that the second main stage of HST2 (High Speed Tractor route 2) will be cancelled.  The route will now start in a back alley just off Long Street, streak for several miles through the Market Place and down Caen Hill, before ending up in the middle of a muddy field somewhere near Seend.  The “D-Town Powerhouse” project is now seen to be in tatters, with tractors likely to be abandoned at random points on the route, and cars having to navigate round hay-bales lost along the main carriageway. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023