Fifty Shades of Gravy (a modern
romance)
How long have I loved thee my dearest? – Probably since I
was but a mere child,
But the merest thought of devouring you is sure to be driving
me wild!
‘Cause this is a very ticklish subject, and I don’t like
to seem naughty or coarse,
For we’re talking about that sticky stuff, which posh
people refer to as “sauce”.
I hate it when things are too watery - to have it like
that is surely a sin -
It needs to have some kind of substance - it serves no
purpose if it’s too thin.
It just slips off all over the place, and everything
starts sliding around,
It doesn’t keep the right things together - you need
something thicker, I’ve found.
You see it has to have the right texture, and about this
I know I’m quite picky,
But if it doesn’t have enough body, it’ll never stand up
and be sticky.
Without it, things just won’t move along, and you’ll be
left wondering why,
And if it’s not adequately lubricious, you’ll find
everything tends to be dry.
Such lack of lubrication’s a problem, and can render you
exceedingly grumpy,
‘Cos what you don’t expect, when you get down to it, is
for it all to feel terribly lumpy.
And if the flavour’s not tasty enough, it can leave you
feeling quite queasy,
For the last thing you want, at this juncture, is
something that’s oily or greasy.
It’s got to be configured just right, for the appetite it
needs to induce,
To bring forth great oral pleasure, you must have plenty
of juice!
No, you can’t have it too firm or too runny - such liquid
upon you I just wouldn’t foist,
But something for the meat and two veggies - it’s best to
have everything flowing and moist.
Yes, the moisture derives from the meat, it’s what you
need, if you’re to have dripping,
The jus and the
fat come together, and it’s like on nectar you’re sipping.
Of course, I speak not of jelly, but of gravy, made with
Oxo, Bisto or browning,
Where on your plate there’s an ocean or lake, and the
roast spuds are waving, not drowning.
So, I appeal to you ladies out there, if you want
something that’ll cut the mustard,
Make sure you’ve got plenty of gravy, and avoid
shark-infested custard!
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