Bulletin From Bromham: Dateline
– Sunday 2nd October 2016
Here is our weekly round-up of events from Bromham:
1. Bromham
Casuals’ season has been thrown into turmoil after their manager Sam
Allthedice, left the club “by mutual consent” after a sting operation by the
Bromham Bugle. Allthedice was secretly
filmed by reporters from the paper promising to “play attacking football”, to
advise on how to develop “a winning mentality” and, against all the rules of
common sense and normal expectation, to “avoid relegation”. The Wiltshire FA are to launch an
investigation that Allthedice was ready to accept a “bung” of free vegetables
for life, in return for arranging the transfer of half a hundred-weight of
horse manure.
2. The
tour of the Northern Provinces of Wiltshire by the Duke & Duchess of
Bromham has finally come to an end. The
tour was punctuated with incident. Apart
from being totally ignored by the local population, officially snubbed by the
Native Peoples of Swindonia, and being forced to endure endless official
receptions and walkabouts, the couple’s youngest child, Princess Charlotte
Potato, was heard to utter her first words of Wiltshire dialect. These included such gems as “erp!”, “ooh-arr!”,
“ganderflanking” and “spreckin’ up me mazzard”.
The Duke and Duchess were variously reported to be “amused”, “bemused”, “fully
used” and “completely and utterly confused”.
There’s low-level royalty for you.
3.
For
details of these and all other Bromham stories, don’t forget to listen to local
radio station Carrot FM.
Copyright
Andy Fawthrop 2016
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