Putting my marriage out to tender
There’s a problem with my marital contract
Something I didn’t spot with the licence
Which needs to be urgently addressed
For I’m not very happy
With the current “in-house” solution
Nor the present service provider
She’s so messy and untidy
She fails to meet quality standards
And most of my expectations
The normal service tasks of the household
Are rarely completed on time or on budget
And the provision of conjugal
services
Has dropped to a bare minimum
It seems she’s completely lost sight
Of the modern service culture
So I’m putting the contract out
To competitive tender
To see if it can be done any cheaper
And performed more efficiently
By the private sector
Using more modern management thinking
And the latest up-to-date methods
As a key stake-holder
End-user, consumer and customer
I’ll provide a clear service description
For streamlined procedures
Using built-in performance incentives
And a level of profit-sharing
With payment strictly by results
Reducing expenditure year-on-year
And performing all tasks to a minimum standard
With full provision for holidays and sickness
This will be an initial three-month contract
With a view to future extension
For the successful applicant(s)
Who will be young and ambitious
And will need to demonstrate a strong track-record
In delivering these services
To a very demanding client
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