Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 10th December 2023
Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:
1. In a moment of desperation this week, the Clowncil’s Foreign Minister, James Dastardly visited the outer-Wiltshire Badlands in order to sign a treaty with a group of Irish tinkers who had holed up near a stream at the bottom of a farmer’s field in Marlborough. After receiving clear assurances that such accommodation was fit for human habitation, and wouldn’t be moving anywhere till the Spring, Mr Dastardly avowed that it would be safe to send D-Town’s homeless people there on assisted “holiday breaks”. In a statement later Mr Dastardly asked “what can possibly go wrong?”
2. And the official Christmas Period of Desperation has now begun. It is now compulsory to have Christmas songs on continuous loop in all retail premises, such as off-licences, hairdressers and supermarkets. The Christmas Pudding ration has been introduced, and customers will be forced to buy Panettone instead. Aging, portly men, badly disguised in a red and white tunic as Santa Claus will be pulled through D-Town by unwilling volunteers from The Rotary Club, with yellow plastic buckets rattling in an attempt to raise money for a Greggs’ steak bake for a homeless person. And tears of sympathy were shed by the women-folk of the town has the Christmas fairy yet again had a 30-foot Christmas y tree forcibly shoved up her jacksy.
Copyright Andy
Fawthrop 2023
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