Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 24th December 2023
Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:
1. Christmas Eve in D-Town features the normal traditional activities: camping outside the supermarket doors from 3am in order to buy enough food for a two-week siege (even though they are only closed for 12 hours), men wandering around petrol station forecourts at 10pm still looking for that last special present for their wives and girlfriends, drunks vandalising the Christmas tree in the Market Place, and later puking up in the pews at Midnight Mass. Say what you like about Christmas, but you can’t beat these old traditional customs.
2. D-Town residents were warned not to let the spirit of Christmas go to their heads, but to be on their guard against potential holiday hazards. The stollen and mince pie mountain on the edge of town has now become completely unstable, and has several times threatened to collapse and to flood the town with marzipan and dried fruit. Police patrols have been stepped up and the Army is on stand-by. Meanwhile, citizens have been warned against swimming in the Crammer, as it is currently over-flowing with surplus Lambrusco and prosecco. And there will be special patrols to ensure that people conclude their Christmas meals with proper Christmas pudding, and not with the now-illegal panettone substitutes available from some lower-class supermarkets.
Copyright Andy
Fawthrop 2023
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