Bulletin From Bromham: Dateline – 22nd January 2012
Here is our weekly round-up of events from Bromham:
· Local farmers continue to search the site of last Friday’s tractor disaster. The huge machine lies stricken on one side, in the position where it was abandoned by its driver Paul Shitface, who is now under house arrest. A number of trays of parsnips and cauliflower have already been recovered from the wreckage, but several boxes of carrots are still unaccounted for. Rescue operations have twice been suspended as the tractor has shifted position in the ditch where it is stranded. It is hoped that, later today, attempts will be made to siphon off the diesel held in the tractor’s fuel tanks, before it is stolen by local layabouts. Rumours that Mr Shitface was seen with his arm around local beauty pageant winner Norma Stits in the snug bar of The Wounded Ferret immediately prior to the accident have not been substantiated.
· Village newspaper, The Bromham Bugle, has paid undisclosed damages to local man Fred Piglet after admitting over-hearing a private conversation he was having in the village phone-box three years ago, and using the information to print stories about his sex life. Speaking from the family home, from which he has since been ejected, his estranged wife Wanda Piglet said today: “if he’s come into any funds, damages or no damages, I want to know about it. He’ll be hearing from my solicitor, the dirty pig! Fred, not the solicitor.”
· The year-long race for president of The Social Centre took a surprise turn yesterday, when outsider Dick Piglet scored a surprise victory over front-runner cousin Paul Piglet in voting in the Westbrook ward primary to select the nomination for the Carrot Rooters’ Action Party (CRAP). Other candidates Rob Piglet, Simon Piglet and Roy Piglet are expected to drop out of the race before the next primaries are held in February. The high turn-out of seven voters (nearly 60% of those eligible to vote) surprised political pundits. Dismissing the significance of the results for the future of Bromham, one disillusioned voter said: “What difference will it make? One way or another, a Piglet is going to win this race.” A spokesman for the Piglet family denied charges of nepotism and in-breeding.
· For details of these and all other Bromham stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station Carrot FM.
Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012
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