Panda-monium

The following poem was inspired partly by a recent visit to the Panda Research & Breeding Centre in Chengdu in China, and partly by the comp;letely co-incidental arrival at Edinburgh Zoo of two of their adult pandas on the same week-end as I returned from my trip.  I'd like to claim that this was as the result of incredible diplomacy on my part to get the Chinese to release two of their pandas, but I have to admit that I had nothing to do with it.  The points about Chinese diplomacy and zoo economics remain, however. And the bit about panda porn is true. Honestly.  Take it from me.


Panda-monium

Glad to be here, but still feeling jet-lagged,

We’re both very hungry and tired.

It was a long flight – over nine hours,

And in-flight meals left lots to be desired.

Some apples, some carrots and water:

It’s not much for A-list superstars.

For we’re the Fedex Pandas, VIPs,

That’s to say “Very Important Pandas”.

We’re not polar, grizzly or koala,

We’ve come all the way from Chengdu,

We’re a study in just black and white,

So, have a heart, and pass the bamboo.

We understand we were expected,

At the airport there was quite a fuss.

The bagpipes were a bit over the top,

But we’ve understood the deal thus:

We’re here as our country’s ambassadors.

It’s purely a commercial deal:

A million dollars a year, they say:

You can guess how that makes us both feel.

No, we’re not black, brown or sloth of our type,

We’ve come to your Edinburgh zoo,

We’re a study in just black and white,

So, have a heart, and pass the bamboo.

They think that more visitors will come,

To gawp at us whilst we sit and chew,

And say how bored we’re both looking –

Well so would you, when all your food is bamboo.

And the interest will go up even more,

If we can get it together one day,

And produce a little Mac-Panda -

We’ll have to see if there’s a way.

No, we’re not just men dressed up in suits,

We’re pandas through and through,

We’re a study in just black and white,

So, have a heart, and pass the bamboo.

But, you know, it’s very difficult,

For Tian Tian gets frisky but once a year,

And I might not be in the mood just then,

But I’ve got some panda-porn right here.

And if we should be blessed with a little one,

The merchandising rights will be endless:

There’ll be panda-monium in the shop,

And the Chinese will never be friendless.

Yes, you see we’ve become endangered,

We’re pandas that’s certainly true,

We’re a study in just black and white,

So, have a heart, and pass the bamboo.

It’s about tourism, not conservation,

Investment, and not about breeding.

From one prison compound to another,

I’m sure you can see where this is leading.

Chinese diplomacy is quite subtle,

To their approaches you must pander,

But just remember we’re wild animals,

Next time you come round for a gander.

We’ll never sit on a wild mountain-side,

We’re just pandas – so what can we do?

We’re a study in just black and white,

So, have a heart, and pass the bamboo.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012