Here is
our weekly round-up of events from Bromham:
·
The
trial of local farmer Christopher Piglet on goat-bothering charges was halted
on Thursday at Bromham Crown Court when the jury of eight village idiots and
four parish paupers were unable to reach even a majority verdict. The judge dismissed them, saying that they
were “ a complete shower” who were “too stupid to tie their own
shoelaces”. A spokesman for the Union of
Village Idiots, however, pointed out his members did not fasten their shoes
with shoe-laces, but with strips of baler-twine.
·
And
in another sensational case at the Court, a second local farmer, Oscar Piglet
was granted bail after a tearful four-day hearing. Piglet, who lost both of his arms in a
scything accident many years ago, and has since been fitted with
robotically-controlled prosthetic limbs, is now known as Oscar Scissor-Arms, is
accused of shooting to death his girl-friend of four years. He is reported to have got off his tractor,
driven five miles, crossed four fields on foot, broken into his girl-friend’s
house, and shot her twenty-seven times with a sawn-off shot-gun. He then dismembered the body and set fire to
it. Finally he blew up the house. In his defence, Piglet reportedly said that
he “thought she might have been a burglar”.
Piglet’s uncle, Michael Piglet, described his nephew as “mostly
armless.”.
·
For
details of these and all other Bromham stories, don’t forget to listen to local
radio station Carrot FM.
Copyright
Andy Fawthrop 2013
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