The O-Word

The O-word

My medical was a total disaster: the doctor’s face turned rather grim.

It was a big fail, when I got on the scale, and he said: “you’re not very slim!”

“There’s no good way I can tell you this, although you might get yourself in a sulk,

It seems it’s your fate, to be hugely overweight: you’re the size of The Incredible Hulk.”

“I’ve tried being subtle, I’ve tried being coy, there seems no way I can get through.

Perhaps invective can be more effective?  I don’t know what else I can do!”

Then he let me have it with both barrels:  “You’re big, you’re burly, you’re chubby,

With more avoir-dupois than average, you’re chunky, not hunky, definitely tubby.”

“You’re full-faced, fat, floppy and fleshy, a big lard-arse, and as large as a barge,

You’re not finely honed, not merely big-boned, you’re a roly-poly, a great tub of marge.”

“Your size is….. amplitudinous, a chump with a bump, plus a huge rump,

A chubster, a big rounded tubster, like a partridge, My God but you’re plump!”

Sadly I looked down at my vanishing waist, and said “why do you use words such as these?

Just what is it you’re trying to tell me?  Are you saying that I may be obese?”

The doctor was completely taken aback, so he scowled, and he looked at me hard.

Then he said “you’re not listening, are you?  You king-sized great tub of lard!”

“I’m obviously not making myself clear.  Let’s say that you’re of voluminous size,

Falstaffian, Brobdignagian, it’s quite clear who ate all the pies!”

“Your expansive capaciousness goes beyond any known bound.

You’re beefy and burly, fudgy and pudgy, and it’s years since you last saw the ground!”

“Gargantuan, elephantine and mammoth are three words that may easily vex,

But they hold no candle, to your love handles, or the scale of your Body Mass Index.”

“You must eat less, and exercise more, it’s time to take a clinical stand,

Time to realise that a balanced diet does not mean a burger in each hand!”

“Your massive, mountainous diet must cease: no more chocolate or cream or fruit jellies,

Nor guacamole dips, nor fish and chips, until you’ve got rid of those bellies!”

“It’s calorie-counting from here onwards: you must drain yourself to the dregs.

You can’t make a much thinner omelette, without breaking low-cholesterol eggs!”

At last the light was beginning to dawn: I could see what he was trying to state,

So I just asked him to clarify: “Here - are you saying that I’m over-weight?”

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2016