Saint Peter Has A Bad Day
Hi there, everyone, the name is St Peter -
My role just couldn’t be neater -
I’m God’s old “meeter-and-greeter”
Outside Heaven’s multi-billion-seater.
I’m at the front desk receiving the hopeful,
Watching the queue where everyone waits,
For I’m the celestial sentinel
In front of those famous pearly gates.
Beyond them are clouds, and angels with harps,
Where nothing could be much cosier.
There’s heavenly music and haloes,
And for every meal there’s ambrosia.
Everyone would like to get in,
To enjoy rest in their eternal home,
But there are some tough criteria to meet
Before you get in to the pleasure-dome.
And that’s where I think the trouble starts,
With people justifying what they’ve been doing:
It leads to delays and congestion,
And we’ve no system of priority queuing.
Everybody comes here with an equal chance,
No matter how things might at first look:
All the good deeds and the bad deeds,
Recorded carefully in my master’s big book.
And they’re always in a bad mood,
Bearing in mind they’ve probably just died,
It can make them tired and tetchy,
Just like they’ve had their brains fried.
So you can imagine the abuse,
And what’s the reason for this? The cause?
When I ask them if they’ve been bad or good?
Even Lucifer calls me Santa Claus.
And if they get the unwelcome thumbs down,
And they’re condemned to fall from God’s grace,
They start shouting and arguing,
As they’re escorted off to The Other Place.
See, at the end of the day, I’m not Management,
I’m just an employee, which can irk -
I’ve got to be here twenty-four seven,
To carry out the Lord God’s dirty work.
Dealing with people day in, day out,
The negative procedure soon sours:
I mean, you never see God out here,
During any of these unsocial hours.
The queues and the disappointments
Are very upsetting, for Goodness’ sakes,
And I don’t get any paid holidays,
Nor any time out for toilet breaks.
I mean, don’t go getting me wrong,
It’s a very responsible position,
Holding on to the Keys of the Kingdom,
Fulfilling His Lordship’s great mission.
But I think I’m being taken for granted,
If you want my confession.
There’s no future in this organisation -
I can’t see any career progression.
So I’m looking around at what else I could do,
Something appropriate to my level.
There’s a strong rumour going around,
That Beelzebub’s seeking a new devil.
The pay’s only a little bit better,
But there’s fringe benefits as well.
Think I might give a try one day -
Can’t be worse than this – so what the hell?
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