Tesco Issues An Apology

Tesco Issues An Apology

It has recently come to our attention,

In fact we’ve just had a complaint,

That our burgers are more than they should be,

And the meat has a slight equine taint. 

 

And then, you see, in our new branch in Aintree,

It was a real pain, to find traces of mane,

We had to warn shoppers at the Banbury Cross branch,

That Shergar may have entered the food chain. 

So we’ve sent in our quality cavalry,

We thought that was the thing to be done,

For we’re as keen to know as you are,

Exactly what’s inside your seeded bun. 

 

We know you like to feed your families well,

Particularly fussy kids and young whelps,

And tho’ we don’t like to get on our high horse,

We know that every little helps. 

 

We’d like to apologise unreservedly:

You expect the best from us, of course.

When you’re shopping for meals in a hurry,

And you’re hungry enough to eat a horse. 

 

Whilst Waitrose sell their “Ascot winner’s fillet”,

And Lidl peddle old nag forced into a mould,

Our burgers are race-horse, responsibly sourced,

And never knowingly under-sold. 

 

Anyway our under-paid elves, are clearing the shelves,

So that you’re not tempted to buy, or to scoff,

And when you ask “where are the burgers?”

We can honestly tell you: “they’re off”. 

 

They’ll all be withdrawn from sale,

You know we’ll do whatever it takes,

To ensure that your tots, don’t get the trots,

Or develop galloping stomach aches. 

 

Only the right quadruped, should be fed,

It’s very hard for us to even deny it,

So we’re appalled, that anything piebald,

Should become part of your stable diet. 

 

But “Neigh, neigh” we can hear you say,

“These ingredients really won’t do.

We’d all get a shock, if we found fetlock,

Bobbin’ around, like Dobbin, in our stew”. 

 

We feel sadly, we’ve let you down badly,

And our sorrow will never diminish.

We don’t want you to chew, on components of glue,

We’re racing towards a photo finish. 

 

We’ll be at great pains, to gather the reins,

To dressage up the evidence and then,

Through our public relations machine,

Ensure that you never find out again. 

 

We wish to assure our customers,

That we’ll talk to every supplier by name,

And be unstinting in our efforts,

To prove that we’re not the ones to blame.

 

Though we arrived late, at the starting gate,

Your opinions we don’t want to force,

Cause if we can’t get you to swallow this,

We’ll have been flogging a dead horse.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2013