I hope you won’t mind me telling you this,
But there’s something I have to confess:
I’ve got this disembodied voice that I hear,
But how it all works - I just cannot guess.
Sometimes whilst I’m sleeping and dreaming,
That is to say, this happens during the night,
Being of a certain age, you see,
I often find that my bladder is tight.
I find I have to get up for some relief,
And I desperately want to go to the loo:
I’ve got to find the bathroom quite quickly,
In order to do what it is I’ve got to do.
But as I disentangle the covers,
I cannot but observe that it’s pitch black,
And if I wake up the old lady,
She’ll surely give me a smack.
So I have to find my way to the toilet,
Without the aid of a lamp, in the dark.
I’m half asleep, and I can’t really see:
In fact, there’s no sort of landmark.
That’s where my automatic pilot comes in:
As I quietly slip out of my bed,
Through many years of custom and practice,
I can hear a voice speaking in my head.
“Go forward four paces, then turn to the left,
Carry on - right to the end of the wall,
Exit carefully into the next room,
And be careful that you don’t fall!”
“Proceed three steps, and the toilet you’ll find:
You are located before the loo station,
Now stop and switch off your engine -
You have arrived at your destination!”
It’s curious I can do this whilst asleep,
I think it’s just a gift that I have.
I’m thinking of selling on the idea –
Tom Tom could market it as “Sat Lav”!
Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012
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