The O-word
My medical was a total disaster: the doctor’s face turned
rather grim.
It was a big fail, when I got on the scale, and he said:
“you’re not very slim!”
“There’s no good way I can tell you this, although you
might get yourself in a sulk,
It seems it’s your fate, to be hugely overweight: you’re
the size of The Incredible Hulk.”
“I’ve tried being subtle, I’ve tried being coy, there
seems no way I can get through.
Perhaps invective can be more effective? I don’t know what else I can do!”
Then he let me have it with both barrels: “You’re big, you’re burly, you’re chubby,
With more avoir-dupois than average, you’re chunky, not
hunky, definitely tubby.”
“You’re full-faced, fat, floppy and fleshy, a big
lard-arse, and as large as a barge,
You’re not finely honed, not merely big-boned, you’re a
roly-poly, a great tub of marge.”
“Your size is….. amplitudinous, a chump with a bump, plus
a huge rump,
A chubster, a big rounded tubster, like a partridge, My
God but you’re plump!”
Sadly I looked down at my vanishing waist, and said “why
do you use words such as these?
Just what is it you’re trying to tell me? Are you saying that I may be obese?”
The doctor was completely taken aback, so he scowled, and
he looked at me hard.
Then he said “you’re not listening, are you? You king-sized great tub of lard!”
“I’m obviously not making myself clear. Let’s say that you’re of voluminous size,
Falstaffian, Brobdignagian, it’s quite clear who ate all
the pies!”
“Your expansive capaciousness goes beyond any known bound.
You’re beefy and burly, fudgy and pudgy, and it’s years
since you last saw the ground!”
“Gargantuan, elephantine and mammoth are three words that
may easily vex,
But they hold no candle, to your love handles, or the
scale of your Body Mass Index.”
“You must eat less, and exercise more, it’s time to take
a clinical stand,
Time to realise that a balanced diet does not mean a
burger in each hand!”
“Your massive, mountainous diet must cease: no more
chocolate or cream or fruit jellies,
Nor guacamole dips, nor fish and chips, until you’ve got
rid of those bellies!”
“It’s calorie-counting from here onwards: you must drain
yourself to the dregs.
You can’t make a much thinner omelette, without breaking
low-cholesterol eggs!”
At last the light was beginning to dawn: I could see what
he was trying to state,
So I just asked him to clarify: “Here - are you saying
that I’m over-weight?”
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