Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 31st December 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 31^st December 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      New Year’s Eve dawns sickly and pale over D-Town.  The weather, in traditional spirit for this time of year, is predictably crap.  People wander the streets in a daze, trying to work out if this is really a Sunday, or whether it’s a Bank Holiday, or even if it’s both.  Or is it tomorrow?  Or the day after?  Who knows?  Total nightmare.  To support those with the new condition of “Day Agnosia”, a drop-in centre will be open in the Market Place to answer such questions as “when is it bin day?”, “when is the recycling centre open?” and “when am I supposed to go back to work?” 

2.    And sadly, for many people, the Turkey Apocalypse continues.  The rotting, but never-diminishing carcase of the Festive Bird still dominates many a refrigerator.   After the cold turkey sandwiches, the turkey soup, the turkey fritters and the turkey curry, is there anywhere else to go with this nightmare?  Others are plagued by a never-ending supply of cheese, or a previously undiscovered tray of congealed pigs in blankets.  Unmarked containers of leftover roast potatoes, sprouts and peas haunt the back of the unit, and take up valuable space now needed for the new intake of New Year snacks and nibbles.  Never mind – it’ll soon be Pancake Day. 

3.    And a Very Happy New Year to my reader. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 24th December 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 24^th December 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Christmas Eve in D-Town features the normal traditional activities: camping outside the supermarket doors from 3am in order to buy enough food for a two-week siege (even though they are only closed for 12 hours), men wandering around petrol station forecourts at 10pm still looking for that last special present for their wives and girlfriends, drunks vandalising the Christmas tree in the Market Place, and later puking up in the pews at Midnight Mass.  Say what you like about Christmas, but you can’t beat these old traditional customs. 

2.    D-Town residents were warned not to let the spirit of Christmas go to their heads, but to be on their guard against potential holiday hazards.  The stollen and mince pie mountain on the edge of town has now become completely unstable, and has several times threatened to collapse and to flood the town with marzipan and dried fruit.  Police patrols have been stepped up and the Army is on stand-by.  Meanwhile, citizens have been warned against swimming in the Crammer, as it is currently over-flowing with surplus Lambrusco and prosecco.  And there will be special patrols to ensure that people conclude their Christmas meals with proper Christmas pudding, and not with the now-illegal panettone substitutes available from some lower-class supermarkets. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 17th December 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 17^th December 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      A solid family welcome is planned later when one of D-Town’s own returns home after being missing for over six years.  The boy Scott Chegg, was found wandering the streets of Trowvegas, after escaping from a hippy commune where he had been taken by his mother in an attempt to lead an alternative lifestyle.  “She wanted to live off-grid, in a place with no atmosphere, and no trappings of a modern commercial world,” the boy was heard to sob.  “But I missed the simple pleasures of D-Town with its potholes, traffic congestion and lack of a bypass.  So I escaped, and hope to be re-united with my wealthy grand-mother in time for Christmas.” 

2.    With just over a week to go to The Big Day, a charity-funded shelter for the poor has been opened.  The shelter will provide sanctuary for ordinary men with families who need to get away from the build-up to the festive time.  There will be no Christmas trees, decorations, shopping lists or meal-planners in evidence.  Instead an atmosphere of calm will be encouraged, including a bar, a TV showing Sky Sports, and other like-minded males who just want to talk about football. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 12th December 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 10^th December 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      In a moment of desperation this week, the Clowncil’s Foreign Minister, James Dastardly visited the outer-Wiltshire Badlands in order to sign a treaty with a group of Irish tinkers who had holed up near a stream at the bottom of a farmer’s field in Marlborough.  After receiving clear assurances that such accommodation was fit for human habitation, and wouldn’t be moving anywhere till the Spring, Mr Dastardly avowed that it would be safe to send D-Town’s homeless people there on assisted “holiday breaks”. In a statement later Mr Dastardly asked “what can possibly go wrong?” 

2.    And the official Christmas Period of Desperation has now begun. It is now compulsory to have Christmas songs on continuous loop in all retail premises, such as off-licences, hairdressers and supermarkets.  The Christmas Pudding ration has been introduced, and customers will be forced to buy Panettone instead.  Aging, portly men, badly disguised in a red and white tunic as Santa Claus will be pulled through D-Town by unwilling volunteers from The Rotary Club, with yellow plastic buckets rattling in an attempt to raise money for a Greggs’ steak bake for a homeless person.  And tears of sympathy were shed by the women-folk of the town has the Christmas fairy yet again had a 30-foot Christmas y tree forcibly shoved up her jacksy. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 3rd December 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 3^rd December 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      A further diplomatic row has broken out between D-Town and Trowvegas, after the leader of the Council abruptly cancelled a meeting with the Trowvegas leader, citing the breaking of an agreement not to mention the milk bottles.  The dispute centres on an incident from nearly a hundred years ago when a D-Town-based milkman, having encroached his round into Hilperton, took a number of empty milk-bottles from a doorstep, claiming that he’d been given permission to remove them.  Trowvegas disputes this interpretation, and has fought for years to have the bottles returned to their proper dairy, where they would be used to fill crates with currently empty cells.  The D-Town Museum, where the bottles are currently on display, refused to comment. 

2.    And another fascinating week has been endured at the D-Town Covid Enquiry, where evidence has been taken from various key players in the Pandemic during 2020 and 2021.  The Director of Public Health at the time, quite a Witty man, blamed the Chief Scientist Sir Liberty Vallance, who in turn blamed the Chief Medical Officer Jonathan Van Driver, who in turn cast doubt on the competence of the politicians Boris “Bonkers” Johnson and The Bandwagon, “Dishy” Rishi Bagatelle and Matt Hand-on-cock. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 26th November 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 26^th November 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The streets of D-Town were deserted yesterday evening, and tumbleweed blew through the empty shop doorways in The Brittox.  The entire population, so evident in the Market Place in their thousands on Friday night, had entirely evaporated.  Shops closed early and the pubs were deserted.  Even Wetherspoons regulars had apparently gone missing.  Meanwhile on The Green the sight of a tattered old police-box, emerging through the mist and accompanied by grinding noises, had attracted the attention of a few wild birds.  A man, who had emerged from the box, with wild hair and claiming to be a doctor, accompanied by a young girl (possibly under sixteen) was arrested on suspicion of time-travelling without a licence, and the kidnap of a minor. 

2.    Earlier in the week citizens had been shocked to discover that time was indeed merely a relative concept.  Not only did Black Friday begin on Tuesday afternoon, but it also lasted for a week in some areas, and a whole month in other places.  Maudlin Monday and Purple Thursdays are concepts that are yet to take off, but Christmas will now begin (according to leading supermarkets) in August.  Easter eggs are due in the shops on New Year’s Day.  And, although it’s months yet until pancake day, the shops are already full of milk, flour and eggs. Go figure. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 19th November 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 19^th November 2023

 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The Tory leader of the Local Council has now completed his Cabinet re-shuffle.  In a vain attempt to appeal to hard-line right-wingers before the upcoming election next year, leader Richman So-Nice has drafted in some elder statesmen from the past.  The Foreign Secretary will be Pitt The Elder, the Home Secretary’s portfolio will be assumed by Benjamin Disraeli, and the Chancellor of the Exchequer will be Winston Churchill.  Facing criticism on these appointments, a spokesperson defended the move, saying that, under current Clowncil rules, pre-decease is no bar to holding public office. 

2.    And, after failing in its bid to nationalise Greggs, the Clowncil has decided to enact a local by-law which changes the status of any purveyor of hot steak bakes from “bakery” to “betting shop”, thus bringing the chain under local planning control.  A further by-law will also come into force whereby any by-law that nationalises a betting shop cannot be further challenged in court.  The Clowncil batted away any claims that this was not democratic.  And, in further surprise moves, bears denied having any defecatory intentions towards woodland, and the Pontiff of Rome has pooh-poohed any idea that he had any leanings towards a censer-based religion based in the Italian capital. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 12th November 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 12^th November 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The streets of D-Town were awash with police and armed forces yesterday, in anticipation of public disorder as a protest rally (described by the Secretary of the Town Council as a “hate march”) took place.  The march, which was described as “Pro-Sainsbury” by its supporters, but “Anti-Lidl” by its detractors, passed off with little violence.  Almost one person was arrested, and a compromise was reached when both sides agreed to share a ready meal from Marks & Spencer’s Food Hall.  A simultaneous peaceful vigil outside Iceland passed off without incident. 

2.      Meanwhile, the corner shop in Hillworth has broken ranks with its competitors by removing its single self-service checkout till.  Customers at the shop will be transported back decades in time by being forced to take their purchases up to the counter and pay for them by using the services of a “shopkeeper”.  It is expected that a “cheery word” protocol will be introduced, together with Please & Thank-You procedures.  Thought is also being put into the ideas of “no tick, so please don’t ask” and “buy one, pay for one” as new marketing ploys, but thatr is very much under wraps at the moment. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 22nd October 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 22^nd October 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The streets were filled last night with disappointed rugby fans, as D-Town Ramblers narrowly failed in their bid to reach the final of the West Wiltshire (Northern Section) Germolene Cup.  Having led by the narrowest of margins (one sin-bin, one cauliflower ear, one cut lip and one abusive tirade at the ref to two dislocated fingers), the side were forced to concede a last-minute penalty for singing in the scrum.  Afterwards the captain Chris P. Bacon, admitted that his team had simply not been good enough, but said that he was proud of the team for the broken noses, black eyes and violent tackles they’d handed out to the opposition. 

2.      And in an entirely expected turn of events, two Tory councillors lost their seats to Starmerite Centrists in two local by-elections.  In a massive turn-out of nearly 5%, the voters of D-Town clearly showed exactly what they thought of modern-day politics and politicians.  The Tories lost majorities of nearly 5 and 7 respectively, which is a record for the size of a double landslide this side of the Covid holiday.  Truly we are living in The End Times. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 15th October 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 15^th October 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      It’s been a long week in local politics, with all the major parties holding their annual conferences, many of them in Mrs Bustle’s Cake & Tea Emporium on the High Street.  Attendance was rumoured to be almost in double digits, as the two-for-the-price-of-one offer on eclairs (2pm to 4pm only, conditions apply) cut keenly across many planned timetables.  On Monday the men in blue suits said one thing, whilst on Wednesday the men in grey suits said exactly the opposite.  Only one of the leaders was reported to have delivered a really glittering performance. 

2.      The situation in war-torn TrowVegas continues to worsen.  The Council, in what is widely seen as an aggressive and provocative statement, has ordered all the citizens at the northern end of the town to move to the southern end.  This is to allow a planned invasion of street-cleaners, drain-flushers and milk-floats.  Other communities in Wiltshire have expressed their concern and advocated restraint and proportionality so that innocent civilians are not injured during these Council Manoeuvres in The Dark. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 8th October 2023

 Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 8^th October 2023

 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      In an act of mindless vandalism, the tree that stood at the cross-roads between Drove Road and the Westway, has been cut down.  Beloved of dogs and walkers desperte for a piss alike, the loss of this rural urinal will hit the community hard.  The tree at Piss-Pot Gap was a sizeable specimen, providing shelter for urinaters and wildlife alike.  “It’s a real shame,” declared one local ne’er-do-well.  “Now we’ll  have to walk nearly twenty yards to get behind a wall for a wazz.  Unless the general public wants to see us all waving our wongas in the air?” 

2.      And in another blow to local transport policy, it was announced this week that the second main stage of HST2 (High Speed Tractor route 2) will be cancelled.  The route will now start in a back alley just off Long Street, streak for several miles through the Market Place and down Caen Hill, before ending up in the middle of a muddy field somewhere near Seend.  The “D-Town Powerhouse” project is now seen to be in tatters, with tractors likely to be abandoned at random points on the route, and cars having to navigate round hay-bales lost along the main carriageway. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 17th September 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 17^th September 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The Town Council has moved at its usual snail-like pace to not ban dangerous dogs from our streets.  A spokes-bot for the Council claimed that this was in line with, and totally consistent with, all their other policies, such as not banning the local feral yoof from cycling on pavements and in pedestrianised areas, not stopping the 20 butcher’s vans from parking all day in the loading bays in Sidmouth Street, and not stopping the swans and ducks from crapping in the Crammer. 

2.      And yet again plans for HS2 (High-Speed Tractor-lane 2) have been thrown into doubt.  Money is tight and budgets are constantly being revised in the light of spiralling costs.  The North-eastern leg to Melksham may now have to terminate in the middle of a small field near Sells Green, whilst the main spur through the town’s High Street may need to be narrowed to accommodate the many Grade II-listed buildings.  Hay-bales will be unloaded outside the Town Hall, rather than in the Market Place, and tractors (who have their own rules of the road) may be restricted to only 80mph when passing narrow pavements.  None of the extensions are expected to be built before 2035, so we can all go back to not worrying about it any more. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 10th September 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 10^th September 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      D-Town was briefly under martial law during the week.  Apart from the Water Board closing several streets to install new water mains, thus reducing local drivers to gibbering wrecks, large gangs of unruly schoolchildren roamed the streets.  Having discovered that several school buildings were constructed using a combination of yoghurt, feta cheese and lark-spit, the facilities were rapidly closed.  The library, and most other civic buildings were also off-limits as roofs made of Weetabix were uncovered.  The children were finally rounded up, using a combination of cattle-prods and traps laced with salt and vinegar crisps. 

2.      On the music scene, townsfolk were surprised to hear of the release of the first new album of original songs from 60s super-group The Strolling Bones.  Speaking from their walking frames and power chairs in their residence The D-Town Home For The Terminally Bewildered, lead singer Rick Jogger and guitarists Bonny Good and Rich Keefwards said that they hoped to go on tour of the entire ground floor of the home in the next few weeks.  Featuring two ex-members on some tracks, one of whom lives in a cave in Scotland with a yak, and another who is actually dead, the album will be released on NeededTheMoney Records next week. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 3rd September 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 3^rd September 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      A controversial scheme to charge for polluting vehicles entering D-Town’s central area in, the Outside Your Every Zone (or OYEZ) may have to be dropped as it has been realised that so few vehicles of any kind actually enter the zone.  The maze of one-way streets, constant road-works and complete inability to park anywhere has reduced the population to walking into town. 

2.      And D-Town’s small but highly energetic Indian population is celebrating today with the launch from our Live International Space Port (LISP) of their first probe to investigate the Sun.  When asked how their scientists had planned to cope with the intense radiation and heat emitted by the star, their scientists replied that they had thought of that, and that they were carrying out the mission by night. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 27th August 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 27^th August 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      A woman who threatened to resign from the Town Council in 1969, has finally carried out her threat.  Council officials are said to be not only surprised and shocked, but also absolutely delighted.  Following over fifty years of delay, this now paves the way for a Council by-election.  Several candidates who had been lined up by her party to succeed her have since ruled themselves out of the running, but even more of them have simply lost interest in politics or died. 

2.      And a former politician has been taken into custody, and charged with impersonating an orange.  He asked for several other offences to be taken into account, including being lemon-faced, slipping on a banana-skin, blowing raspberries at the authorities, talking absolute rhubarb, looking like a right melon and straining his plums in public.  But where can a mango when he’s such a fruit-cake? 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 20th August 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 20^th August 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Police have been called after it was discovered that the Wiltshire Museum in Long Street has suffered a large number of unexplained losses.  Initial investigations revealed that 90% of the museum’s artefact collection has never been photographed or catalogued, that curator staff have not been security-checked, and that there are no guards or alarms on the buildings.  Police pronounced themselves “utterly baffled” how such a large-scale crime could be committed under such circumstances.  Other local crimes, including cases of defecation on the woods, and establishing the exact religion of the Pope, also remain unsolved. 

2.      And the world of sport is in total turmoil this morning after it was discovered that, contrary to popular belief, women and ladies and girls of a female persuasion, can actually play ball games.  Apparently all forms of sport are actually possible for them, including cricket and football.  It is hoped that in future years, anyone wearing a bra and possessing a womb, will be able to register to play sports.  Competitions, leagues, and even World Cups may be organised.  It is not known if anyone would pay to watch any such shenanigans.  So watch this space in case any kind of girlie games are ever staged. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 13th August 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 13^th August 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Police in the town are investigating a possible case of arson and insurance fraud after the only properly-built house in D-Town was burnt to the ground & subsequently bulldozed into a pile of rubble.  The house on the High Street stood out, and was featured in postcards and magazine supplements, because it was perfectly level, properly proportioned, and had rooms with 90-degree corners.  This is in contrast to other properties in the town which are leaning, wonky, and give the impression of having been thrown together by teams of cowboy builders, from Norman times, through the medieval period, right up to the modern era of Barratt, Persimmon and Bellway. 

2.      The two men who were last week forced to take up residence in a narrowboat moored on the K&A canal at The Wharf, were this week forced to return to shore.  It had been found that conditions aboard were far too healthy & salubrious for drop-outs to occupy.  Also the legionnaire who was already living there had objected to sharing his boat.  It is expected that next week the two men will be forced to live aboard a different vessel, before being forced the week after that to go and live somewhere else altogether. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 23rd July 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 23^rd July 2023

 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Queues formed around several blocks in the town last night as people tried to gain access to the opening night of the long-awaited film “Barbenheimer”.  The film tells the story of how a scientist who identified as a female doll, and dressed all in pink, made the discovery that would threaten the peace of the free world.  Accompanied by his/her/their boy/girlfriend Ken, Professor Barbie wears a rather fetching little hat and stares meaningfully into the camera as a CGI-generated atomic explosion takes place behind him.  Drinks, crisps and pipcorn are expected to be in short supply throughout the run. 

2.      Meanwhile, in political circles, new hope was born this week.  In by-elections elsewhere in the country, both Labour and the Liberals over-turned massive previous Tory majorities to take parliamentary seats.  As it has now been proved conclusively that even safe seats, such as D-Town (where people will vote Tory even if the candidate is a slowly-cooling pile of shit, topped with a blue flag), can be won after all, there will be a new spring in the step of constituency hopefuls. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 11th June 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 11^th June 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The ex-mayor, having been found guilty by the Privileges Committee of gross misconduct by running over little old ladies and eating kittens in public, has continued to deny any wrong-doing, saying that he has been forced out of the Council Chamber by people who are simply a little over-squeamish. 

2.      And sports fans throughout the town have been celebrating the news that walking football over-70’s team D-Town Academicals have done the sextuple in one campaign season – winners of the Alzheimer’s League (North-Western Division), winners of the FA (Fuck All) Cup, winners of the Werthers’ Originals Trophy, winners of Crumblies’ Cup, winners of the Pringles BBQ Flavour all-comers cup (unopposed), winners of Anusol Ring Of Fire competition, and winners of the Cup-Winners’ Cup Cup Cup. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 23rd April 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 23^rd April 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Disappointment was the keynote this week as D-Town’s Inter-stellar Mission (DIM) got off to a bad start when the test-firing of the town’s largest and most powerful ever rocket ended with an explosion only two minutes after take-off.  This event was described by a spokesman as “a rapid and unscheduled disassembly”, and warned journalists to “never mistake a trial for failure”.  Taking a leaf out of the Circumlocution Handbook For Beginners, the Highways Agency has reclassified the town’s deep and treacherous potholes as “unrepaired variations in the smooth road surface”.  The police, struggling with a high number of incidents involving feral youths, have described the crime-wave as an “unapprehended number of unsupervised anti-social incidents”.  And The Crammer, D-Town’s famous duck-pond, reputed home of the original Moonrakers, has been re-labelled as “an uncharted expanse of harmless liquid supporting several species of edible wildlife”. 

2.      And the world of local politics suffered another blow this week when the Deputy Mayor, Ivor Roughshod-Manner, was forced to resign after the publication of a damning report which named him as a bully of the worst sort.  He was said to have taken some councillor oiks round to the back of the Council back-sheds and given them a jolly good telling-off.  A new Council bully is expected to be appointed in the coming days. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 16th April 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 16^th April 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Security forces were on full alert in D-Town this week as the International Airport was cordoned off to allow the plane of the Head of the International Masons (HIM) to land safely.   He was accompanied by the Head of External Relations (HER) and the Secretary for Online Nations (SON).  He was visiting The Vize in order to trace his long-lost relations from the Twelve-toed Estate in order to claim his thuggish heritage.  Standing on the steps of the aircraft on a windy, rainy day, he made several irrelevant remarks about Council Estates, before disappearing down the road to the Badlands of Melksham. 

2.      And the town was in mourning this week as it was announced that, regrettably, the son of the man being installed as mayor next month won’t be able to bring his awful wife with him to the ceremony.  It is thought that the youngster fears not being able to sufficiently draw attention to himself and his pitiful grievances because all eyes will be focused on his father instead.  However, he is hopeful that by giving away free copies of his pity memoir “Square”, he may enlist some sympathy for his cause.  His wife is also thought to be distraught that her ground-breaking sponsorship of Tupperware products might be compromised. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 9th April 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 9^th April 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      As Easter rolls by, yet another religious flashpoint has erupted.  Hundreds of party-goers have barricaded themselves into the Corny Bin Night-club, where they demanded the right to worship at the shrine of Stella Artois, whilst armed bouncers try to get them out.  This comes at the high point of the early drinking season, when certain pubs which are held as holy by at least three different party tribes in The Vize.  The D-Town Airforce has also been scrambled in response to attacks from TrowVegan separatists in the West.  Milk floats have been set alight, and the 49 bus has twice been re-routed (Sunday services not affected). 

2.      And, in a completely expected development, an orange-coloured has-been politician has been arrested outside the Town Hall.  Almost seven supporters gathered to protest the arrest, and also to demand that the Clowncil should spend more money on filling pot-holes in local roads.  The orange man protested his innocence, but promised to look into funding for road repairs.  No roads were harmed in the making of this protest. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Stormy Daniels

Stormy Daniels (with apologies to Etta James)

Don't know why

There's no sun up in the sky

Stormy Daniels

Since Donald and I ain't together

Keeps raining all of the time

Oh, yeah

 

Life is bad

Gloom and misery everywhere

Stormy Daniels, Stormy Daniels

And I just can get my poor self together

Oh, I'm weary all of the time

The time, so weary all of the time

 

When he went away

The blues walked in and met him

Oh, yeah if he stays away

Old NYC’s gonna get him

All I do is pray

The Lord will let me

Walk in the sun once more

Oh, I can't go on, can't go on, can't go on

Everything I have is gone

Stormy Daniels, Stormy Daniels

 

Since Donald and I, me and my daddy ain't together

Keeps raining all of the time

Oh, oh, keeps raining all of the time

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah raining all of the time

Stormy Stormy

Stormy Daniels

Yeah

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 2nd April 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 2^nd April 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      D-Town’s Utility General Holdings (UGH) have finally admitted that they have been discharging raw sewage into the K&A canal.  Apparently they had been doing this for several years without anybody actually noticing, so they hadn’t thought it was even worth mentioning.  It was only when several swans were brought in suffering from bad coughs, together with ducks with shit-stains, and sea-gulls stained a lovely shade of brown. 

2.      D-Town shopkeepers have welcomed recent moves in Artificial Intelligence (AI) as they feel it will assist their customers.  Far from calling for research in AI to be halted the DCC (D-Town Chamber of Commerce) have actually called for the development of greater intelligence.  In new trials, customers will be assisted by a ShopBot in order to buy more than one article at a time (e.g. Pringles, chewing-gum, Lottery scratch-cards and twenty fags), take the basket to the counter and actually pay for the articles.  Over the next year ShopBots are expected to almost completely replace the use of small children in this role. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 26th March 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 26^th March 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      D-Town looked on with something approaching a Gallic shrug as they observed their cheese-eating surrender monkey cousins in Trowvegas  getting somewhat antsi over proposals to make them contribute anything towards their pensions.  After three days of rioting, arson, looting and anti-social behaviour, almost fifteen pounds-worth of damage had been caused.  As a result of warnings from the DSS (D-Town Special Services), the planned visit by the chap from the Big House on the hill with his wife to the local branch of Tesco was postponed.  Concerns were expressed as to how it would look if the couple were to be seen to be shopping normally, when the ordinary people of Trowvegas couldn’t even afford a packet of Pringles. 

2.      A report into the conduct of PLOD (Police of D-Town) has concluded that the force is institutionally lazy, incompetent & totally cloth-eared.  The report was met with a massive wave of apathy, and has been filed alongside previous reports into Bear Defecation in Forested Areas and the Catholic Tendencies of Popes. 

3.      And yet again, the streets are clogged by people taken completely unawares by the advent of British Summer Time, unable to cope with the massive behavioural changes required for the act of putting the clocks forward by an hour. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 19th March 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 19^th March 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      In a rough week for financial institutions, rescue packages have had to be mounted by the D-Town Underwriting Main Bank (DUMB) for both the Silicon Shortcut Bank, and Credit Melksham.  Both banks had over-extended themselves in recent months by providing unsecured loans to unreliable borrowers, such as politicians, estate agents, octopus farmers based on the canal, and other ne’er-do-wells. 

2.      Meanwhile an Arrest Warrant has been issued by D-Town’s International Criminal Kremlin (DICK) in the name of Vlad The Bad, head of the break-away Trowvegas Western Anarchist Tribune (TWAT) for crimes against humanity.  He is accused, amongst other things, of raiding milk floats in the infamous Beanacre  Valley, and substituting lethal full-fat milk in place of healthy semi-skimmed.  The brave local resistance fighters have asked West Wiltshire for more armour-plated milk-floats and WMD (Weapons of Mass Dairy) products. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 12th March 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 12^th March 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The row over free speech continues at the DBC (D-Town Broadcasting Corporation) as the organisation seeks to draw a line under the recent activities of its presenters, who have been tweeting negative comments about our Illustrious Leaders in the Town Clowncil.  One of its top presenters, Hairy Spinnaker, ex-international bladder-kicker and packeted-snack purveyor, has been suspended from appearing on screen.  As a mark of solidarity , his co-presenters, Ian Wrong and Alan Sheepshagger, have declined to appear by shouting “I am Spinnakus!” and “No – I am Spinnakus!”.  Meanwhile the public were treated to displays of wildflowers in bloom and the test-card in place of the advertised sports programme, leading viewers to comment on how that had been a considerable improvement on previous editions of the programme. 

2.      And in bad news for the whole region, it has been announced by central Government that HS2, which was never planned to come anywhere near the West Country, will still not be coming to the West Country.  In order to save money on the scheme the original planned date of “never” will be extended “definitely never” and, as some local councillors still fear, that may mean “absolutely, definitively, you-really-don’t-get-it-do-you, bloody never”. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 5th March 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 5^th March 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      A drag-net search, involving over 200 police officers, has been launched to try and find Matt Handoncock’s principles.  They have not been seen since Covid lockdown on 2020.  Police are now said to be “very concerned” that the principles may have come to serious harm after prolonged exposure to the truth, fact-checking and reality.  Given the length of time since they were last seen, a very negative outcome is now anticipated. 

2.      And in diplomatic news, D-Town has finally signed an agreement with Wiltshire Council.  The “Wiltshire Accord” agrees to do all the things that we were supposed to have agreed to do in the original Wexit deal.  The apparently “oven-ready” previous deal was a rather under-cooked bird, oozing with blood and oozing its stuffing into daily life.  Named after a famous 1950’s motor car, the Wiltshire Accord promises to finally nail a golden stake through the heart of the apparently un-killable, blood-sucking ghoul of independence, and “getting the job done”.  Again. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 26th February 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 26^th February 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Supermarkets & corner shops in The Vize have reacted both stoically and imaginatively to the short-term shortage of salad goods, such as peppers, tomatoes and lettuces.  Cucumbers were particularly missed as thoughtful gifts recently on Valentine’s Day.  Whilst such goods have never been big sellers to the none-a-day demographic of many of their shoppers, nevertheless new advertising and promotion initiatives have been launched.  Following the “treasure a turnip” campaign, we have been pleased to see “court a courgette”, “swallow a swede” and “bolt a beetroot”.  This is Cos of Brexit, and is just the tip of the Iceberg. 

2.      Meanwhile, in a fit of PC wokeism, D-Town’s international book publishers have employed teams of “sensitivity readers” in order to edit texts to include trigger warnings for readers.  and to avoid the use of language that may be deemed offensive in today’s delicate and gender-neutral world.  In a first run-through The Holy Bible has been reduced from over a thousand pages down to a ten-page pamphlet.  A new version of “The Wicker Man” will be entitled “The Plant-based Person”.  Meanwhile “The Good, The Bad & The Ugly” will be renamed “The Acceptable, The Unacceptable & The Physically Challenged”.  D.H. Lawrence’s “Women In Love” will henceforth appear as “He/ She/ It/ They Is/ Are Aroused”. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023