Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 8th September 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 8^th September 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Fuelled by a misunderstanding of epic proportions, citizens of D-Town last night celebrated the end of the Paralytic Games.  Taking their cue from events in Paris, the local yoof took to da streets to demonstrate Drunken Roads-Crossing, faced The High Jump with the local constabulary, tried the Long Jump across The Crammer (later converted to a range of swimming events), Cycling The Wrong Way Down A One-way Street, Athletic Shoplifting and, of course, Wheelchair Binge-Drinking. 

2.    And, in a landmark report published on Thursday, it was concluded that the flats in Wobbly Way burned to the ground because they were (illegally) set on fire.  No shit Sherlock! No part of society was left unscathed by the damning conclusions and recommendations.  The people who set the blaze going were particularly to blame, as were the complete fucktards who had left large piles of combustible materials in the entrance hall, the Fire Brigade (who failed to extinguish the fire because it was deemed to be “too hot”), the Police (who failed to catch the scrotes responsible because it was deemed to be “too difficult”, the Clowncil (who failed to have all the rubbish collected in a timely way because it was “too expensive”) and finally the mighty General Public (who filmed the blaze on their smartphones, but who failed to call 999 because it might “spoil the excitement”).  

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 4th August 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 4^th August 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Fanned by a clearly orchestrated campaign of misinformation, there has been civil unrest on the streets of D-Town over the past few nights.  News spread on Tuesday night across social media platforms that someone from outside the borough, and a non-Moonraker at that, had been seen trying to buy supplies of Salt & Vinegar Pringles from more than one high street convenience stores.  In fact, the police were keen to point out, the man was born on the borders of The Vize, within clear sight of the 273 bus route. 

2.    Announcing his retirement from competing in professional international tournaments, Ivor Biggun, sometime left back (in the dressing room usually) for D-Town Academicals, the world of sport was left mourning the loss of a real sporting character.  The Chairman of the Town Council, in a moving, and sometimes tearful, tribute to Biggun’s career and character, said that he only wished that several of the man’s team-mates might think about doing the same.  “If Adele can step back from her music for an extended period, we can only hope that Ed Sheeran, Coldplay and Dua Lipa might think about doing the same, and giving us all the break that we richly deserve.” 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 28th July 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 28^th July 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Unable to afford the cost of sending a full team to the Paris Olympics, the local Clowncil have done the second-best thing, by creating a more “local” set of Olympics, to be held in the big field at the side of the canal (inside Church Hall if wet).  Eschewing the more traditional competitive sports, there will events in goat nadgering, sticking pencils up your nose (ladies only), carrying a round of 18 mixed drinks back to your table in a crowded pub, floodlit horse massage, professional all-comers shoplifting (three categories) and loitering with intent near a zebra crossing. 

2.    The effect of having a new Labour government in Whitehall is already showing huge benefits.  Since Sir Near Starkers came to power the weather has been better, England reached the final of the European Championship, and my girlfriend has started wearing less bling and makeup in favour of her new summer wardrobe.  This would never have happened under the Tories.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

Drivel From D-Town - Dateline Sunday 7th July 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 7^th July 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Following its landslide victory in the polls, the new Labour government has already started work by appointing its first ministers and holding its first Cabinet meeting on Saturday afternoon.  The benefits are already beginning to flow – the weather has been better (Summer will be nationalised in the first session of Parliament), England have reached the Euro semi-finals, and in a major local boost to the economy, The Three Crowns have knocked 10p off the price of pints of their three main sellers – Undrinkable Draught Lager, New Fizzy Craft Bollox, and Old Knobstrangler.   The Mayor of D-Town has placed an early telephone call to congratulate the new Prime Minister, but has been informed by the girl on the No. 10 Switchboard to get lost. 

2.    The local poll returned a Lib-Dem for the first time in nearly 100 years.  The previous Tory majority of over 16k, held by a large turd with as blue flag planted in it, was over-turned completely.  The turd, aka Michelle Donefor, refused to comment after the result was announced in the early hours of Friday morning, although her aides were quick to blame Nigel Farrago’s Gammon Reform party, communist plotters, Count Binface, the long queues at Greggs on Thursday afternoon, the bloke swigging lager in the Market Place, and the very slow service at the Cosy Café.  Ms Donefor is thought to be considering her future, but is likely to want to spend more time with her money. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

Drivel From D-Town - Dateline Sunday 30th June 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 30^th June 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The D-Town Branch of Reform UK has announced that “there is no room in this party for racists, misogynists, or anti-Semites”.  It later stated that this may have given a somewhat false impression of their views.  It later clarified that there was no room for such people, since it was already completely full of them.  In fact, there is a waiting list to get in. 

2.    And in an attempt to get into the mood for summer music festivals, following last week’s Isle of Wight festival, and this week-end’s Glastonbury festival, and a total inability to get any tickets, a D-Town couple have decided to try and re-create the whole Festival Experience at their home.  After locking themselves out of the house for four days, the pair are now camping in a corner of their garden.  They have rigged up a sound system which plays Coldplay and The Sugababes on a constant loop at high volume.  The security lights stay on all night, and they have attracted complaints and abuse from their neighbours at both sides of their property.  They have had little in the way of sleep.  After eating badly barbecued food, and drinking cans of warm lager, they are taking it in turns to have a fairly runny crap behind the potting shed.  They are currently looking forward to the traditional Sunday tea-time “legends” slot, which will feature a CD of Benny Hill singing “The Fastest Milkman In The West”. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 16th June 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 16^th June 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      It’s that day of the year again when all true British people, and especially those in D-Town, come out on Facebook and admit that they have yet again submitted themselves to another American marketing fad, by wishing their male parent (on the huge assumption that they actually know who this is) a Happy Father’s Day.  The ritual is made particularly poignant for those parents who are actually dead, or who wouldn’t know what Facebook was even if slapped them in the knackers with a wet haddock, because they’ll never (tragically) get to read such virtue-signalling posts.  Council bin-men working Monday or Tuesday shifts are particularly concerned with the extra work caused by the huge amounts of discarded ties, hankies, mugs with “Best Dad” slogans, beer glasses with crossed golf clubs, socks, and other detritus being dumped into wheelie bins.  

2.    And the General Erection campaign drones on.  All the parties have now declared their candidates and published their manifestos.  To summarise (so you don’t have to bother reading or voting or anything):  the Greens have promised to nationalise Greggs and to replace all meat-based products with synthetic ground Vegans, the Tories will put taxes down and help all their mates to lucrative PPE contracts and peerages, Labour will put taxes up and make St Michael the patron saint of a remodelled NHS, the Lib-Dems don’t know what they want but have promised to ask people what might be popular, the SNP will sell of the parts of the UK that aren’t Scotland, and make bagpipes compulsory in all schools, and Reform have promised to fight “them” on the beaches and the landing grounds (but on a fully-costed basis). 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 9th June 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 9^th June 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      D-Town citizens attending the 80^th Anniversary of D-Day commemoration were astounded to see the diminutive leader of the Clowncil sneaking away before the service had officially ended and the photographs had been taken.  But, in a statement released before the prints had even come back from Boots, the man had apologised for his actions.  His statement read “waiting for the photos, I found myself wandering around the Market Place.  There, I accidently boarded a bus to a local airfield, where my helicopter was waiting to take me to an ITV studio in London.  With the wisdom of hindsight, I now regret my actions.  I realise now that I should not have got caught like that, and I apologise unreservedly to members of the Tory party, who may possibly lose votes over this issue.  And my flights to New York are now definitely booked for the 5^th July.” 

2.    And in a completely unexpected shock move, a local swivel-eyed gammon has declared his intention to stand as a candidate in the forthcoming General Election.  Announcing his campaign with a banana milkshake “shower” at his local McDonalds, Nigel Farrago of The Complete Fruit Cake party stated his new party’s aims and policies.  These consist of: allowing ursines to defecate in forested areas, stopping all immigration to Wiltshire, nationalising Greggs, stopping all immigration to Wiltshire, setting up a new border force to patrol the Wiltshire coastline, and (crucially) stopping all immigration to Wiltshire.  And, in a coincidence of epic proportions, he also confirmed that his airline tickets for New York are booked for 5^th July. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 2nd June 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 2^nd June 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      As the General Election campaign drones on into its second week, and the citizenry of D-Town slowly loses the will to live, the competing parties have stepped up their various games in a futile attempt to grab the attention of the electorate.  The Tories will introduce hanging and flogging, even for minor offences.  Labour will tax the windfall profits of gibbet and stock-makers, and the Lib Dems are going to have a jolly good think about it all.  Awaiting the formal release of the official party manifestos in the next couple ofweeks, D-Town residents have been observed entering their garden bomb shelters to avoid party canvassers, taking down satellite dishes to avoid all media news input, and boarding up their houses to avoid the delivery of political leaflets. 

2.    And as the long two-day Summer continues to stretch Britons to the limit, there is a bumper festival of sport to look forward to.  The D-Town cricket T20 team has jetted off to the other side of Swinetown to compete in the All-Wiltshire finals, where they are expected to be heavily defeated in all four of their first-round matches, and be back home in time for the next Bank Holiday.  Similarly the hopes of an entire town go with DFC as they strive to make a mark in the South of England football finals.  Star players such as Justin Thyme, Alf Resco and Terry Fide will seek, yet again for the 44^th time since 1966, to bring “it” home. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 26th May 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 26^th May 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The General Election campaign has got underway at a local level, with all parties vying to publish the most eye-catching policies.  The first blow has been struck by the Tories who want to bring back National Service.  In a direct dog-whistle to their gammon demographic, the party has further announced a whole raft of back-up measures, including the re-employment of small children to climb the chimneys of D-Town’s Grade 2-listed buildings, and a gradual move back towards the good old days of malnutrition and rickets. 

2.    DIA (D-Town International Airways) has apologised to passengers who were caught up in last week’s flight from D-Town to Chipping Sodbury (change for Basingstoke) which was caught in “unexpected” turbulence over the Cotswolds.  A spokesman for the airline said that it fell far short of its normal standards.  “We pride ourselves on flying through expected turbulence and giving our passengers an experience they’ll never forget,” he said.  “But this particular turbulence had not been booked or scheduled by us, and we shall be having a frank exchange of tea and biscuits with the Met Office”. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 19th May 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 19^th May 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      People across the UK were making a big deal of seeing the Aurora Borealis this week.  For D-Town this was nothing new at all.  People in The Vize have been seeing flashing lights in the sky for years, usually after falling out of the pub following the consumption of several pints of Waddie’s “Skullcrusher” IPA.  This local delicacy is made using water drawn from the less-than-pristine waters of the K&A canal, and traditionally served in a dirty glass. 

2.    And the new series of “Dr. Who” has landed on UK TV screens.  Again this is nothing of much remark to our benighted locals, who have been living in the past for years.  Anyone will tell you that passing through the portals of The Exchange Nightclub is equivalent to threading through a space/ time continuum, where you will meet strange, inexplicable alien creatures who have difficulty expressing themselves to mere humans.  

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 8th May 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 5^th May 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Following Russell Brand’s “totally sincere” conversion from Buddhism to Christianity, and consequent baptism in the River Thames (a true case of a shit within the shit), it has been revealed by a local newspaper hack that when the moral pariah lived in D-Town in one of his previous many lives, he had previously converted from toe-rag to twat-face, from narcissist to self-publicist, and from utter plonker to absolute knob-head.  The Pope is said to be so disgusted by the news that he is thinking of converting from Roman Catholicism to Methodist Fundamentalist.  And at least one colony of bears has refused to enter the local woods. 

2.    And people partied in the streets of The Vize almost up until the 9.30pm curfew, as they celebrated a swing of almost 0.0001% in the voting for local Police Commissioner, returning a Tory candidate for the 347^th time in a row.  In a record turnout of almost 11% the role was retained by the Tories, snatching victory from Labour and Independent candidates by almost 7 votes.  If this result were reflected in the anticipated upcoming General Election, the good people of D-Town will be electing a turd with a blue flag sticking out of it. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 28th April 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 28^th April 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Finally, after many weeks of “Council ping-pong”, civic tennis, and corporate croquet, a local by-law was passed which will allow people arrested for drunk and disorderly offences in the Market Place to be loaded onto the last 49 service of the night to Swindon.  A bus company has now been found that is prepared to run the service, and huge amounts of “finance” (aka slush money) have been paid to Swindon council to allow the transfers to take place.  The whole issue was held up for several months when the local judiciary declared that Swindon was “not a safe place”.  Whilst this has always been self-evidently true, and no-one would ever voluntarily want to go to Swindon, for the purposes of the new by-law, Swindon has now been declared to be a land flowing with milk and honey. 

2.    And howls of protest have been issued by D-Town FC, and some of the even lower-league local clubs, to the news from the FA that in future there will be no replays in the First Round of the FA Cup proper.  Whilst none of the affected clubs have ever reached that far in the entire history of the competition, it was felt that an important principle was at stake.  Memories were evoked of the famous 6^th qualifying round of 1897 when TrowVegas Tremblers were held to a 0-0 draw by local favourites Caen Hill Casuals.  These two amateur sides then spent over six months and 15 replays to finally decide the tie, Caen Hill finally emerging victorious.  In the next much-delayed 7^th qualifying round, they were then defeated 36-0 by a bunch of blokes from The King’s Arms in Poulshot. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 14th April 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 14^th April 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Citizens of D-Town have had a monumental week, and have been forced to stand back in awe to admire the mighty force of Nature in action.  On Wednesday crowds gathered to marvel at the spectacle of the single-decker town bus being completely eclipsed by the double-deck 49 as it passed through town in its transit towards TrowVegas.  Not until 2037 is this perfect alignment of the two services on London Road bridge expected to occur again.  As if this were not enough, on Thursday another phenomenon occurred.  The continuously smoking pile of rubbish that is the town dump began emitting almost perfect smoke circles.  Accompanied by coughing tip workers, and clouds of choking fumes, the rings were seen to ascend high into the air above Etchilhampton, before dissipating themselves into the atmosphere. 

2.    And a man from The Vize has claimed to be the first idiot to run the entire length of the A342.  After arriving at the end of the road near Salisbury Plain, the man (named Luke Leaner) claimed to be “a bit tired”, and that he had been inspired to do something so difficult, and yet pointless, by the sight of the D-Town Council leader being interviewed whilst wearing a pair of expensive Adidas Samba trainers.  “Anything that man can do to destroy the credibility of the brand, I can do much better,” he claimed.  He was later arrested by police and charged with “loitering near a pedestrian crossing with the intention to cross road”. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 31st March 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 31^st March 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Official protests have been lodged with the Embassy of The Populist Republic of Trowvegas, after it was discovered that pirated copies of D-Town TV television programmes had been doctored to portray a different and warped view of normal practices in The Vize.  Pictures of feral yoofs had been deep-faked  and ;pixelated to hide their knives and bikes (which are banned in TPRT because of their decadent capitalist connotations), and portraying such individuals helping old ladies across the road, stroking cats and dogs, and behaving well in school.  An enraged D-Town spokesperson said “this is a total misrepresentation.  In D-Town we allow feral yoof to run free and unhindered. These faked positive images give completely the wrong impression.” 

2.    And D-Town’s police force will now be able to grow facial hair.  The rules will be that moustaches and beards must be clipped and kept neatly, properly groomed, and not so long as to interfere will normal operational duties.  The men in the force will also be allowed to do the same. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 10th March 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 10^th March 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Following various interviews given by Town Councillors, detailed instructions have now been issued to D-Town citizens on how to load a washing machine (and what programme to use), how to stack a refrigerator for optimal storage, and how to iron a shirt properly.  Previous guidance on washing-up, cooking a three-course meal and emptying the bins should be ignored, as once the councillors have been interviewed again, new guidelines are expected to be issued. 

2.    And it has also been announced that bus-routes in the borough are to drop the route-numbers, with which they’ve been associated since Jesus was a boy, in favour of new woke route names.  Details are still to be finalised but the D-Town to TrowVegas route may be named The Shirtlifter Line, D-Town to Chippenham as The County Line(s) and D-Town to The Sham as the Take Life In Your Own Hands Line. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 25th February 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 25^th February 2024

 Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Several streets in D-Town were closed yesterday as police and army technicians struggled to contain the threat of explosions.  The milk-float had been parked for several days in bright sunshine, and it was feared that several bottles of semi-skimmed were about to blow.  After sealing off the vehicle and carrying out a risk-based cheese-making assessment, the decision was made to detonate the deadly cargo in the waters of the K&A canal.  Although several curds were formed, the police managed to get the dangerous liquid a-whey safely.  Had the yoghurt blown, it was feared that nearly £7-worth of damage might be caused. 

2.    Following the utter chaos in the Council chamber on Thursday when politicians from both sides attacked each other, representatives from both Israel and Hamas have appealed for peace and a negotiated settlement.  Also the US Defence Force and the Iranian-backed Houthis have called for calm, but also offered to send weapons in an attempt to bring the wrangling to a final solution. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 11th February 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 11^th February 2024

 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Following the lead of the English FA, D-Town Academicals have decided to adopt the new disciplinary system in all their Anusol (North) League fixtures.  Any player guilty of dissent or threatening behaviour will be shown a blue card and sent off for 10 minutes.  Spitting will attract a green card and 15 minutes, bodily assault a purple card and 20 minutes, and for the worst crimes of diving (or other cheating), a black card and 30 minutes.  

2.    And, during the week, it became known that the chap who lives in the Big House on The High Street is poorly. The exact type of poorliness was not disclosed.  He is expected to be more poorly before he gets better, although his expected course of treatment has not been announced.  His poorliness is not thought to be related to the undisclosed minor illness he had the week before.  His daughter-in-law is also said to be poorly, but with a different undisclosed condition altogether.  The man let it be known that the good wishes of the town’s population has been a great comfort to him, and that he was only too happy to be so transparent and public about his poorliness. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 14th January 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 14^th January 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      In an extension of its overblown foreign policy, D-Town has launched pre-emptive strikes of milk round deliveries and new bus services in areas of the county that have nothing to do with D-Town.  Milk deliveries have begun in that awkward bit of country near the River Avon, just before you get to Bath.  A spokesperson for the Clowncil announced that these “operations” (which had been carried out in tandem with Melksham Council) were “necessary to ensure the safely of D-Town deliveries, and were in no way meant to signal an escalation in wider county hostilities”.   Yeah, right. 

2.    Several busses in the fleet of double-deckers on the 49 route have been taken out of service whilst safety checks are carried out.  Last week a window panel blew out on the ascent of Caen Hill towards D-Town.  Whilst this was very frightening for the passengers, no-one was actually sucked to an agonising high-pressure death, and the bus arrived safely in the Market Place.  It is chilling to think of what might have happened if the bus had been anywhere near Swine-town or TrowVegas. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 7th January 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 7^th January 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The festive season and Twelfth Night having been successfully negotiated, D-Town supermarkets are gearing themselves up for Valentine’s Day, Easter, Back-To-School, Summer Holidays, Mothers’ Day, Fathers’ Day, Hallowe’en, Bonfire Night and, of course, next Christmas. 

2.    The Post Office scandal has spread its ugly tentacles even into D-Town’s infrastructure.  Several customers have been wrongly denied entry to the fastest-moving queues, and thus missing vital appointments, and some even losing the will the will to live.  Collections and deliveries have been delayed, and yet compensation has been denied to customers waiting for vital supplies, such as sex-dolls, illegal prescriptions and hard-core pornography. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024