Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 2nd August 2020
Here is our weekly
round-up of events from D-Town:
1. Police
in the borough are bracing themselves for the outbreak of trouble from tomorrow
when the Council’s new “Drink Out to Help Out” scheme comes into
operation. This allows people to drink
to excess at a 50% discount, to stand in long socially-distanced queues to get
served, and a free ring-side seat for after-hours fighting at all participating
pubs. Meanwhile, the Council’s other
scheme “Slim Down” aimed at tackling obesity, getting people to lose weight,
and to take more exercise (including drinking less alcohol) is also launched
tomorrow. Citizens pronounced themselves
confused – to eat & drink more? Or
to eat & drink less?
2. The
Council’s website crashed on Monday when it was inundated with requests for £50
vouchers for bicycle repair. People have
been dragging old cycles out of sheds, children’s tricycles from the junk
stored under the stores, and abandoned frames from the canal in an attempt to
qualify. Staff in Bicycle Repair shops
were forced to abandon the barricades they had previously built in a feeble
attempt to keep customers back, and to take refuge in their storerooms. Unicycle riders were outraged when they found
out that they could only claim a £25 voucher.
Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020
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