O Lucky Man

O Lucky Man

My life has been a charmed existence

Dodging all the bullets of life

Nothing has badly gone wrong

No worries, no gut-wrenching strife

 

Clever enough to go to Grammar School & University

Born with brains enough to get through

Whilst there were still grants – no student debt

It was simple enough to remain true

 

Born after rationing, and National Service

In an age of medical break-throughs & vaccines

And the wonderful National Health Service

Even being ill was always within my means

 

But I never was ill, no accidents befell me

No condition, no cancer, never diseased

Born whole-limbed, not disabled, but intact

Able to live my life just as I pleased

 

Been no conflicts, so never got conscripted

Lived in a country with safety & the rule of the law

Where no hunger, or disease ever stalked the land

No floods, tornadoes, droughts, not even a war

 

No trouble getting married or having children

All born bright and perfectly healthy

Plenty of friends and family around

Earned enough money, but not wealthy

 

Good job, with lots of promotions & responsibilities

A gold-plated pension in a well-paid career

Worldwide assignments, saw the world travelling

Always comfortable, never felt fear

 

Well-off enough to retire earlier than most

Happy enough with how things worked out

Plenty of hobbies to fill up the time

Future never really in doubt

 

The planet’s not fallen apart quite yet

But it’s almost ready to throw in the hat

It’ll all come off the rails after I’m gone

But I’ll even be spared witnessing that

 

The Universe has been kindly to me

And dealt me good cards, a good hand

I don’t know what I did to deserve this

But it seems I’ve been a very lucky man

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Crab Apple Jelly

Recipe for: CRAB APPLE JELLY 

Ingredients: 

• 4kg crab apples, washed, bruised bits removed
• 1kg caster sugar
• 1 lemon, juiced 

Method: 

1. put the cleaned apples in a pan, cover with water & bring to the boil
2. simmer for 25 minutes, or until the fruit is soft
3. pour all the pulp into a jelly bag & leave to drip overnight (do not squeeze the bag, or the jelly will be cloudy)
4. next day, measure the juice and combine with sugar at the ratio 10 parts juice to 7 of sugar
5. add the lemon juice, then bring to the boil, stirring to dissolve the sugar
6. keep at a rolling boil for 35-40 minutes, skimming off any froth
7. test for a set
8. pour into warm, sterilised jars
9. cool, seal, label & store in a cool, dark place

Don't Get Me Started

Don’t Get Me Started

“Hell is other people” said my mate Jean-Paul Sartre,

When he felt his nose was put out of joint,

But it’s awful the way that some people behave,

So I think he might have had a point

 

For life is full of many other frustrations

Designed, it seems, to drive me completely nuts

To imbue a mounting sense of futility

And to constantly grind away in my guts

 

Take the case of spinach, for example

A substance green, with the texture of snot

It’s claimed to be an iron-rich vegetable

But a fan of it I’m definitely not

 

Just don’t get me started on things that drive me mad

So many things that are just plain bad

Like food served on rectangular house slates

Instead of on proper round plates

And if I’d wanted my chips served in a basket

Then I’d have bloomin’ well asked for it

 

Mowing the lawn, waking before dawn

Tuna sandwiches with sweetcorn

You’ll probably hear me loudly mutter

About the disgusting snack of crunchy peanut butter

 

Beard-and-sandal-wearing lefties make me feel pale

In their relentless pursuit of craft real ale

Don’t mention quinoa, or green kale

 

People from Devon & Cornwall leave me fit to burst

Debating whether it’s cream or jam first

Their arguments I’d really like to shatter

Cos after all – it really doesn’t matter!

 

Littering, spitting and not picking up dog-shit

Foul & abusive language, and that’s not nearly the end of it

For I can no longer keep dumb

Over the curse of discarded chewing-gum

 

People who abuse disabled parking bays and signs

People who can’t park between the white lines

People who drive with no lights in the dark

People with cars they don’t know how to park

Sales reps with flash cars as their perks

And people that own BMWs, Audis and Mercs

SUVs on the pavement, hazard-lights flashing

Whilst into the shops their just dashing

The arrogance, the privilege I’d like to stem

As if the rules don’t apply equally to them

 

Cruelty to animals, fox-hunting and hare-coursing

Money-laundering, people-trafficking and labour-forcing

Queue-pushers, cold-callers and online scams

Facial recognition, CCTV and web-cams

Call centres, endless menus, and being on hold

Repeating the same information that you’ve already told

Automated supermarket self-service checkouts

Lager louts & ticket touts

Overcooked sprouts

People who eat smelly food on the train

Who don’t wash and smell like a drain

Boiled onions with tripe

Religious fundamentalists of ANY stripe

And I’ll tell you who’s a particular menace –

People talking about golf, or ski-ing, or tennis!

 

Unattended children & babies that scream

Mewling infants that shatter your dreams

Folks that won’t play as part of the team

People offended by everything it seems

Pre-packaged food & airline meals

Individual sachets with impenetrable seals

 

To listen to other people’s dreams is so dull

But better than people who talk with their mouth full

Charlatans, career politicians and liars

Climate-change deniers

People who are constantly late

Who are totally inarticulate

Who start every utterance with “so…”

When it’s their turn to go

People so posh they can’t talk

And eat bananas with a knife and a fork

 

Shop assistants who ignore a long queue

Then talk to someone else when dealing with you

People who can’t hold their booze

Stag parties and hen do’s

And what drives me right up the pole

Are dogs that are out of control

Their owners amused by my fright

Saying “he doesn’t often bite”

 

If only everyone was as tolerant as me

Things wouldn’t be so bad, sadly

You see the problem’s not really me

It’s all the others behaving quite badly

So if you don’t want to be really down-hearted

It’s a good job that you didn’t get me started!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Pain

Pain

Never dialled 999 before

Never knew how pain could cripple me

Never been in such agony before

Never knew how long two hours could be

 

Never been in A&E before

At any time of day or night

Never met Sister Morphine before

Never known such sweet delight

 

Never realised how frightened I could be

Staring hard into the unknown

It doesn’t matter who else is with you

You’re really facing it on your own

 

Pain is such a personal thing

And it carries all before

Obliterates every other feeling

Kicks every emotion out the door

 

And when it’s finally gone away

When the drugs have kicked its ass

It’s almost impossible to remember

How such terror could have ever come to pass

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Magic

Magic

This is the face of Everyman

Dressed in casual shoes and jeans

There’s not a thing remarkable about him

But he’s more than he might seem

 

He wears a cheap and nasty watch

His glasses are smeared and show the dirt

His teeth are small and crooked

And he’s spilt some lunch all down his shirt

 

But he knows what he’s talking about

As he skims quickly through my notes

I know that I’m going to trust his judgement

And that he’s going to get my vote

 

For he’s a consultant and a surgeon

The man that will wield the knife

You say surgical procedure: I call it magic

Either way, he’s the man who’ll save my life

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Hashtag#

Hashtag#

Full stops bring us to an ending,

A closing of the subject or the sentence

And don’t get me going on connectors

A colonising colon

A sexy semi-colon

Or a dangling dash

Perhaps even a fading ellipsis…

Hinting that the sentence is not quite over

A feeling that there is still yet more

A suggestion of other possibilities…

 

And those other inflectors of punctuation

The question and exclamation marks

To create the question or the drama

Or those bristling brackets

Those luggage-expanding little marks

That let you cram in a little bit more

That will not quite fit in what you say

 

Ah, but if there were only one more way

To cast a smile or shadow over what’s just been said?

To add a note of humour, aching sadness, or wistfulness

Summary or sarcasm that makes the point?

A visual hint that means something more

To show that you’re up-to-date

Down with the kids and the twitterati?

 

Hashtag #punctuation

Hashtag #proseemoji

Hashtag #signofourtimes

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

I Am The People

I Am The People

When I heard you on the door-step

Talking several years ago

And when I walked into the polling-both

To scrawl my precious cross

You thanked me for my vote

And said, for all the world to hear,

That “the people” had spoken

And I was glad that I had gained a voice

 

But when the politics had shifted

And the breeze had changed direction

You started saying something different

Things that I no longer wanted

And when I spoke up to object

You said, for all the world hear,

That “the people” had already spoken

And that I was simply wrong

 

When I supported your position

It seems I was “the people”

But when I say something different

Stand up for what I believe

You claim that I am misinformed

That I cannot ever change my mind

That “the people” cannot be denied

And that I no longer have a voice

 

So I ask this question once again

Who are “the people” now?

Just the ones who agree with what you do?

That keep you in your power?

Or is it really everyone?

Just those that have a vote

Or those that are yet to grow

And become “the people” of tomorrow?

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 11th September 2022

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 11^th September 2022 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      A hugely important week in the constitutional life of the town, when it was announced on Thursday that that the lady who lives in the Big House on the Main Street had passed away, surrounded by her loving, but strangely unloveable, family.  She is survived by three corgis, two footmen, a maid of the upper chamber and a butler of dubious abilities.  Several days of mourning have been declared in the borough, flags lowered to half-mast and Pringles put on sale at half-price.  Buses will be decked in black ribbons, and milk-floats will have their bottles muffled as a sign of respect. 

2.      The lady will be succeeded by her jug-eared eldest son (and his offensive wife), who has already taken up residence in the house, and has begun to make changes.  The regular order of skimmed milk has been replaced with an order for organic.  Food deliveries will consist of only Duchy Originals.  A speech therapist has been engaged to work with the plants in the garden.  A Sycophantic Delegation from the Town Council is being organised, and will present itself the the new man in due course. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

 

Sorry, Not Sorry

Sorry, Not Sorry

Jealous, not jealous

Of your greasy pie and chips

Your kebab and all the trimmings

Your mango-scented vape

And your foaming pint of lager

Dripping across the sticky carpet-scape

 

Jealous, not jealous

Of your fortnight in Ibiza

With the other British Bulldogs

Soaking up a foreign sun

Showing off your copper spray-tan

Having noisy drunken fun

 

Jealous, not jealous

Of your hard-as-nails appearance

With your Peaky Blinders hair-cut

The best that Razor King can do

Your complementary facial piercings

And your lurid neck tattoos

 

Jealous, not jealous

Of your cert insider tip-off

From a bloke who works next door

For the three-thirty this afternoon

Not worth an each-way bet

Cash can’t come around too soon

 

Jealous, not jealous

As I stand behind you in the shop

Waiting with your copy of The Sun

Muscled t-shirted dude

Spending more on scratchcards

Than you ever do on food

 

Sorry, not sorry

That I cannot join your world

Glory in your nationalism

Or see things the way you do

You wouldn’t want me anyway

And I sure as hell don’t want you

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022 

And Still

And Still

And still we live, and still we rise

Though the news is breaking bad

Corruption comes as no surprise

And still we live and still we rise

In spite of those that we despise

The world it seems is going mad

And still we live, and still we rise

Though the news is breaking bad

 

© Andy Fawthrop 2022

Sloe Gin/ Fruit Gins

Recipe for: GINS (fruit-flavoured) 

Ingredients: 

• 1-2 lbs sloes, bullaces, damsons or plums (or sour cherries) – see below
• 6 oz sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 litre (or more) of gin – the cheapest you can buy 

Method: 

1. wash the fruit, but no need to stone
2. prick every fruit with a fork & place into a clean demi-john
3. add the sugar & vanilla extract
4. cover with the gin
5. stopper the demi-john with a bung or air-lock
6. shake the demi-john vigorously until the sugar is dissolved
7. place demi-john in a cool dark place, label with contents & date
8. shake the contents every few days for the next 3 months
9. when the liqueur is ready, remove the fruit (depending on what it is, this can be eaten in small quantities as a VERY boozy sweet with cream/ ice-cream/ yoghurt)
10. filter the remaining contents through several layers of muslin & a funnel into another demi-john.  You may need to do this more than once, until you have a fairly clearish liquid.  Try to let the liquid drain through itself, rather than squeezing, as this will help to keep the liqueur clear rather than cloudy
11. then decant again into sealable bottles. 
12. label the bottles 

What else you need to know: 

1. traditionally, the fruit is picked in August/ September when it is fairly ripe, and the resultant liqueur can be bottled in time for Christmas (sloes are best after a frost, but this is not vital)
2. the liqueur will keep for years, and improves after a year or two
3. if a sediment forms in the bottom of the bottle(s), it can be re-filtered & re-bottled
4. fruits with a hard stone work the best.  I’ve used apples, peaches, pears, black-currants – they all work OK, but sloes are the very best.
5. Works equally well with vodka!

I'm In Love With A Lady Engine Driver

I’m In Love With A lady Engine-Driver

I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

Looks like we’re well on track

I’ve found she’s just the ticket

Hope we never have to look back

 

I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

She drives all over this nation

I hope I’m not just a passenger

Courting way above my station

 

I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

I hope that we can travel far

It’s still early in the journey

But the signals are looking good so far

 

I’m in love with a lady-engine-driver

Hope our coupling’s not ill-starred

But she knows how to conduct herself

And I’m keeping on my guard

 

I’m in love with a lady-engine driver

She’s my Virgin railway pass

Not any kind of common traveller

But right up there in First Class

 

I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

Sometimes she lets me stay all night

She really has some great points

And she’s giving me the green light!

 

I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

I’m all steamed up

That we’ve teamed up

I like her carriage

It might lead to marriage

I hope this miss’ll

Wet my whistle

That we won’t be cancelled or delayed

That our love will never fade

 

I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

I’m really chuffed

That we’ve huffed and puffed

She’s a lovely sleeper

She’s a real keeper

I hope that she’s forever mine

And doesn’t shunt me off her main line

That our loving never fails

And doesn’t go off the rails 

 

I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

She looks good in reds and blues

She’ got a lovely pair of buffers

Standing there in her platform shoes

 

I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

Everything’s now in train

I think she’s the real goods

Please let it not go down the drain!

 

Yes, I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

I guess I’m really nervous

In case I get shunted into a siding

And become her rail replacement service

 

Yes, I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

The very thought of her makes me tingle

So I hope that she’ll return each night

And that I’ll never again have to travel single

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Invasion

Invasion 

My bathroom’s been invaded

There’s wet patches on the mat

A new toothbrush is in the holder

It couldn’t be any plainer than that

 

An extra coat’s a-hanging on the peg

In the little rack along the wall

Another car’s parking in my drive-way

Because some-one’s started to call

 

I’m making double portions

Of all the meals I’m preparing

I’m getting through tea-bags faster

But it’s much more fun sharing

 

Clothing’s appeared inside the wardrobe

Where my old rags used to be

And the bed’s so much warmer now

Than when it was only little me

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

An Appeal

An Appeal

It’s time to think of those less fortunate

So here is tonight’s charity appeal

It’s a cause that’s worth your attention

A situation that you might help to heal

 

It’s a real crisis, ladies and gentlemen

For which funds are urgently needed

To help save this endangered species

With a warning that must be heeded

 

It’s your chance to help the vulnerable

For it has come to our attention of late

That the human race is heading for extinction

And needs to face up to its fate

 

Humans are such beautiful creatures

That once were happy and healthy

But now they’re losing their habitat

In the pursuit of making themselves wealthy

 

Once they roamed all over their planet

But now there are so few left in the wild

Through pollution and starvation

There’s little chance for even a child

 

War, genocide and famine

They’ve endured each one of these

But they’ve failed to learn any lessons

And now suffer pestilence and disease

 

Just ten billions could make all the difference

Twenty-five would help ease some of their pain

Fifty would buy a survival kit or a gas-mask

A hundred wouldn’t be flushed down the drain

 

Please send whatever you can

Any cash you’re willing to spare

Show these humanoids that there’s a future

That somebody out there still cares

 

Just send it to this Freepost address

And if you’re in the slightest of doubt

Then mark the back of your envelope

Please stop buggering about!

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 4th September 2022

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 4^th September 2022 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Great concern is being felt in D-Town for energy security over the coming Winter.  Following TrowVegas’ predictable decision to turn off the Lardy Cake supply line for “maintenance”, hasty measures are now being taken to protect existing supplies.  Stockpiles of Lardy Cakes at the Council’s depot are said to be at 83%, but a harsh Winter will soon eat into this, and may lead to shortages and even Lardy-outs.  People are being encouraged to cut down their consumption of the delicacies in order to preserve stocks, and a register is being compiled of those particularly vulnerable to Lardy Cake shortages (such as the young, the old, the obese and the feckless). 

2.      Now that the last Bank Holiday and the three hot days of Summer are and done with, it’s all downhill for the rest of the year.  Last Night of the Proms, clocks back, Halloween, Bonfire Night and it’s time to crash into the buffers of Crimbo at full speed.  Already sales of mega-size boxes of sweets, cakes, puddings, trees and turkeys are occupying the minds of the supermarkets.  My own tree is already up – up in the loft, where it belongs until December. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

 

Love Is On The Cards

Love Is On The Cards

They say that love is a wonderful thing

That the pursuit of one’s life’s desire

Possesses all the thrill of the chase

And that passion can light one’s fire

 

But it’s never quite as simple as that

In real life it’s just not the same

And it’s rarely a case of conquest

More like a difficult card-game

 

It depends upon the cards you’ve been dealt

And how skilfully you play your hand

The odds are usually stacked against you

And chances run through your fingers like sand

 

This is exactly what happened to me

When I suffered love’s piercing dart

How I pursued the woman I loved

And I should say at the start

That she was no common tart

The lady who’d stolen every part

Of my loudly beating Heart

 

I felt that she was my Diamond

A girl I’d seen down at the pub

But here is the rub

Of the matter the nub

For in this social hub

I wasn’t even in the Club!

 

I met her in the arcade

In my finery all arrayed

I really fancied that jade

But my hope had started to fade

My suit wasn’t made

For several drinks I had paid

But when she spoke she bade

Me to get lost

Bury myself – take your own Spade!

 

I’d made a mess of the case

Hadn’t even reached first base!

I’d lost plenty of face

Before I’d started the race

I’d failed in the chase!

This was really not Ace

 

I’d tried her praises to sing

But she was soon on the wing

I wasn’t really her thing

No chance of her wearing my ring

I’d only wanted to be her King

 

Oh how foolish I’d been!

Of her heart I’d never be dean

It could clearly be seen

I knew what this would mean

She’d never be my Queen

 

Of love-making I hadn’t the knack

In the queue I was at the back

Of success there was a lack

My emotions on the rack

She’d given me the sack

My amour had started to crack

My mood had become black

Just another card in the pack

And I was left on my Jack

 

I’d worked quite hard

To play my court card

But in the game of love’s poker

I was now merely the Joker!

 

I’d taken the wrong route

I’d thought I was quite cute

(Though that point is quite moot)

But she’d given me the boot

In pleading my suit

 

The situation was crap

My heart had gone Snap

You could say it was quite Rummy

That my love-life was crummy

I was feeling a wreck

I was down on the deck

 

I never did Find The Lady

My lead had been bumped

I should never have jumped

I’d not even started, just been dumped

And in the end I hadn’t the answer –

I’d been Trumped!

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Watch Batteries Fitted Here

Watch Batteries Fitted Here

I was having a grand day out

Wandering round the market one morn

When I spotted the stall-holder’s notice

That cheered me in the cold light of dawn

 

“Watch batteries fitted here” it said

That’ll be grand entertainment, I thought

So I settled myself in to wait

For the first customer to be caught

 

It was a quiet old morning

With not many punters around

The stall-holder eyed me suspiciously

Standing there, holding my ground

 

“Can I help you?” he asked me forthwith

Pointing to his watches, and his time-keeping ware

His clocks, his straps and his batteries

And his paraphernalia so rare.

 

By now a small crowd had gathered

Anticipating the up-coming show

Waiting for someone to buy something

Fascinated by a craftsman with know-how

 

He was a master performer and artiste

And with a wide range of tools he was kitted

I’d say there’s no greater spectacle

Than to actually watch a battery get fitted

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Courgette & Cheese Soup

Recipe for: COURGETTE & CHEESE SOUP 

Ingredients: 

• 1 – 2 lbs courgettes, washed & chopped
• 1 large white onion, finely sliced or chopped
• 50g butter
• 1 tblsp olive oil
• 1 tblsp flour
• 1 – 2 pints vegetable or chicken stock
• 100 – 200g mature cheddar cheese, grated
• Fresh herbs – thyme, oregano, parsley, whatever
• 3 – 4 tblsp cream, crème fraiche or greek yoghurt (or milk even) 

Method: 

1. in a large pan melt the butter & oil, tip in the onion and cook gently for 10 to 15 minutes, stirring occasionally.  Don’t let the onions colour
2. add the chopped courgettes & the herbs, mixing to coat everything with the buttery onions
3. add the flour, and keep stirring to coat everything
4. add the stock, enough to just cover the combined vegetables
5. bring to the boil, then lower the heat, cover & simmer gently for about 40 – 50 minutes.  Add a little extra stock if necessary
6. check that the courgettes are completely soft and that the liquid has thickened slightly
7. remove from the heat, then blitz with a stick-blender until completely smooth
8. return to a very low heat and add the grated cheese.  Stir until completely melted
9. add the cream or yoghurt and stir to incorporate 

What else you need to know: 

1. great recipe for using up a glut of courgettes.  You can make this soup in large quantities & then freeze it
2. most types of cheese will do instead of cheddar, especially blue cheeses like stilton – anything which can be grated & will melt