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Wednesday 30 September 2020

Autumn Damp

 Autumn Damp

Wet lawns awaiting final cut

Long uneven shocks of grass harbouring windfalls

Of soft decaying garden fruit

Bruises oozing juicy sweetness

Undersides brown and rotting

Their musky warmth home to lazy drunken wasps

 

Droppings and sheddings from near-naked trees

Scratchy branch-fingers standing stark against the sky

Of a late misty morning

Among the mulching mess of leaves

Shading grey then into black

A fading dark, damp mush

Food for insects and work for worms

Mouldering down into foul and stinking mess

And the rich, rank stench of dying

 

Rambling brambles scratching, tangling

Snagged with over-ripened berries

Bursting and staining the fingers

Before falling, bruised and broken

Down among bedraggled nettles

Strewn heavy with dew-droplets

And in the darker shady places

Sprout musky mushrooms and toxic toadstools

The only livid growths amongst funereal hues

 

And now we lose the light

And gain the chill of shorter days

Sending shivers through the cobwebs

Soggy silver hunting nets

Strewn dewy amongst the weeds

And auburn leaf-fall

The occasional flash of gold or red

Between the darker shades of the grim-hued palette

Of the tired ground

As it awaits the swirling fogs

That will come to embrace it

And bring the freezing kiss of Winter

 

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

Tuesday 29 September 2020

The Shedding of Skins

 The Shedding of Skins

And what of the future

And a life that differs from yesteryear?

To cast off old restrictions

The tightness of being

The shallow breathing

That chokes and throttles

To peel away the papery epidermis

Shadow of what once had been

And things that went before

The thin constriction of many years

An outgrown palimpsest

Dry and crispy cracking

Of empty outer skin

To leave behind

Without a single thought

The rough leavings

And abandoned bindings

Simple and superfluous

And to emerge renewed

Wet, supple and slippery

Glistening smooth

A new creature escaping

Bright-featured in appearance

Yet far more changed within

 

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

Monday 28 September 2020

Waterworks

 Waterworks

Is this what it has come down to?

To sit here with the others

In a crowded clinic waiting room

Full of failing bodies

Dotted among the rows of wipe-clean chairs

A parking lot of walking-frames and sticks

All here for the same reason

Worrying signs in their water-works

A range of plumbing problems

For the doctors to diagnose and fix

 

And nurses come and go

With their files and folders

Discreetly carrying urine samples

And the bladder test results

From patients in the toilets

Peeing and passing

Measuring inputs and outputs

After drinking endless cups of water

 

It’s a part of getting older

Politely called urology

But there’s little dignity

In such a personal problem

And little comfort

In the unbidden thought

That it might be cancer come to call

Or a breaking down of organ function

Perhaps another milestone

Towards journey’s end

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

Sunday 27 September 2020

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 27th September 2020

 Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 27th September 2020

 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                              

1.      As the Drexit deadline approaches, and talks with Wiltshire Council appear to be deadlocked, contingency plans are being drawn up by the Town Council to create a new border near Potterne so that customs checks can be carried out there before entering D-Town itself.  In “Operation Stack” cars, lorries, milk-floats and tricycles will be asked to park on pavements in order to avoid blocking the narrow country lanes.  Vehicles will not be allowed in to other parts of Wiltshire unless they can prove that they have the correct paperwork for D-Town entry.

 

2.      Students at D-Town’s 1-star “university” have been asked to self-isolate for 14 days after some of them tested positive for aggravated stupidity.  Student residency blocks have been cordoned off and emergency supplies are being shipped in, including food, water, alcohol, weed, chemical substances, games consoles, wifi passwords and turnips.  Applications from various poorer town residents to go and join them have been refused, on the grounds that we can’t all be expected to have fun.

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

 

Saturday 26 September 2020

Elephant

 Elephant

Flapping folds of sagging skin

Of grey leathery hide

Wrinkled and well lived-in

Doused in dust, masked in mud

A time-old treatment

To bring relief from a burning sun

Hang roughly from the bulky frame

Loosely draped across the dome

Of the massive head

Swinging slowly side to side

Ears flapping, fanning

Trunk waving, prehensile

Tusks pointing, threatening

Towards the source of any danger

 

Eyes in shadow, thick-hooded

Liquid pools of darkness

Lashes long and thick

Black protective strands

Covering the crinkled lids

Hiding deep wells of thought

That may be windows into memory

Ancient mental pathways

 

Deep voices of the bulls

Sub-sonic rumbling through the bush

Grumbling stomachs

Communicating with the herd

And the browsing family group

Keeping the cows and calves close by

Gentle parental pachydermic protests

 

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

Friday 25 September 2020

Panther

 Panther

How she stands there among the sandy grass

Feline and fierce, above her throttled victim

Too small to defend her kill

Taking breaths and taking stock

The smell of blood already on the wind

Carrying the message of an easy meal

To carnivores and scavengers

That forever dog her hunting expeditions

 

How stealthily she moves to tidy up

To shift the body to a safer place

The strength of muscles and teeth

To quickly drag and scramble

To climb a tree, up inside the canopy

And leave the lifeless legs dangling

Beyond the jaws of hyenas

Out of sight of vultures

Allowing her some time to rest

And breathe easy once again

 

How she lies there in the crook of the branch

Amidst the dappling shadowed leaves

Hidden by her rosetted coat

Her larder full and waiting

A softly panting panther

This lithe and lissom leopard

Her glinting watchful eyes

Savage and solitary

Stealthy, opportunistic

Safe and secure

Until the hunger pangs return

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

Thursday 24 September 2020

Leek, Cheese & Bacon Muffins

 Recipe for: LEEK, CHEESE & BACON MUFFINS

 

Ingredients:

 

·        1 leek, washed, trimmed & very finely sliced

·        100g butter, melted

·        4 rashers bacon, chopped (or lardons)

·        300g self-raising flour

·        1 tsp baking powder

·        ½ tsp mustard powder

·        ¼ tsp cayenne pepper

·        2 large eggs

·        175ml semi-skimmed milk

·        150g extra mature cheddar, grated

 

Method:

 

1.      Preheat oven to 180C/ fan 160C/ gas 6

2.      Lightly grease 12 holes of muffin tin

3.      Cook the finely chopped leek in 1 tblsp of the butter over a low heat for 5 mins or until soft

4.      Set cooked leeks aside in a dish

5.      Reheat the pan, add bacon & cook until fat starts to crisp. Drain and add to leeks

6.      In a large mixing bowl, mix sifted flour with baking powder, mustard, cayenne & a pinch of salt

7.      In another bowl, lightly beat the eggs, milk and rest of melted butter together.

8.      Into that, add the cooked leeks & bacon, then the cheese, then the flour mixture

9.      Stir until evenly mixed, but don’t over-do it, or the muffins will be tough

10.   Divide mixture between 12 muffin holes & bake for 25-30 minutes until golden.

 

What else you need to know:

 

1.      Serve for brunch snack, or with soup

 

Wednesday 23 September 2020

Fracking Hell

 Fracking Hell

The search for cheap energy goes on,

A quest that’s certainly got my backing,

But now they’ve come up with a new wheeze,

That involves a fine process called fracking.

 

Now I’m not so sure this is a good ploy -

Bad consequences may come to pass,

As they begin to hack open the Earth,

In the relentless pursuit of cheap gas.

 

They dig down deep into the planet,

Seeking deposits that lie under the ground,

Pumping in chemicals under great pressure,

Forcing out the shale gas that they’ve found.

 

Now this scheme sounds too good to be true.

And there’s no environmental free ride -

There’s bound to be a cost to be paid somewhere,

And we should consider the possible down-side.

 

There’s arguments and evidence on both sides,

The scientists are not sure how they should guide us,

But the energy firms frack on regardless,

Of the strong feelings that divide us.

 

Cuadrilla seem to be riding rough-shod

Over protests, and giving no quarter,

But how do we know what goes on beneath?

And that they’re not polluting the water?

 

And what about earth-tremors we’re feeling?

Is it an earthquake they’ve left in their wake?

With their drilling, and splitting, and pumping,

Is it more than the geology can take?

 

And isn’t fossil fuels all over again?

Like the coal and oil story repeated,

Putting off the inevitable day,

When the resource will be finally depleted?

 

We can’t go on like this forever,

Stealing from future generations,

When the planet is finally exhausted,

And goes on to Emergency Stations.

  

No, I’m afraid that this fracking,

This cracking and hacking,

The future it’s hijacking,

And the gas that it’s ransacking,

Cannot continue.

It’s them, not the Earth, we should send packing,

The exploiters we should be sacking,

And looking what else we could do.

 

We must cease all the toil,

Going on under the soil,

Stop making the ground boil,

And the landscape to despoil.

 

This breaking and taking can’t last for ever:

Fracking’s just more exploitation.

I’m not sure what it’s doing to the planet,

But it’s clearly splitting the nation.

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop2020

Tuesday 22 September 2020

Afternoon in Imber

 Afternoon In Imber

The path peters into nothing

Disappears into tangled undergrowth

Overgrown and testament to long neglect

Towards the shattered shells of houses

Their windows standing empty

Gouged eye-sockets stare unblinking

Towards the tiny church

Its dark, crumbling stones

Preserve still the fabric of a building

Its dark tower sheltering bells un-rung

No longer consecrated

Its congregation long departed

 

The sparseness of the village street

Deserted and unkempt

Eerily quiet in mid-afternoon

Once peopled long ago

Before the khaki-clad Army came

Ushering them quickly away

A forced evacuation

To leave a realistic playground

Where they could practice combat

Throw some ordnance around

Unopposed and unobserved

Deep within this hidden fold

 

Did we see the faces of the missing

Peering round the corner

Where the bakery used to stand?

And are there ghosts among the grass

Picking their way between the holes

Dug out by the detonations?

And are there any spirits here

Walking between the wire and the fences?

And are there any still alive

Of those displaced

Who remember Imber as it was

And might return one day

To dwell here once again?

 

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

Monday 21 September 2020

Fatberg

 Fatberg

We got the emergency call at night,

And we headed out there at first light

He’d said “there seems to be a blockage I think –

We were alerted by the terrible stink”.

 

Our brave men soon climbed under the ground,

And were frankly amazed at what they soon found:

The sewage had swelled up into a great ball,

Went right up to the ceiling and wall-to-wall.

 

It was the biggest obstruction we’d seen,

And to tackle it, nobody was keen.

It looked like the worst project from hell,

And that doesn’t even cover the smell.

 

We named it the fatberg – just for a joke -

But it weren’t funny when we started to poke,

To discover of what it was made,

And tried to dislodge it with a sharp spade.

 

It consisted of fat and congealed grease,

Then wetwipes and nappies were the next piece.

Sanitary towels was one of the thirds,

And the rest was an assortment of turds.

 

You see, people go to the loo in a rush,

And give not a care to whatever they flush.

It’s a general waste disposal can:

They tend to forget once it’s gone down the pan.

 

But I digress, for disposal was now the task.

How did we shift it? I’m hearing you ask.

Well, lend an ear and don’t be too gobby,

And I’ll tell you how we shifted that jobbie.

 

The thing was enormous that was for sure:

We had to get on top to effect a cure.

A man had to ascend, using crampons,

And ropes to clamber over the tampons.

 

We pulled and tugged it from the crown,

And even considered melting it down.

We used hammers and drills of all types,

And attacked it with axes and hosepipes.

 

The thing wouldn’t yield, resisted the assault.

We tried everything, but it wasn’t our fault,

And we realised the thing was stuck tight,

So then we resorted to dynamite.

  

It was only meant to be a small blast,

But once we’d started, the die it was cast.

We weren’t sure how far off we should walk,

But it was like a bottle blowing its cork.

 

You see the sewer’s narrow like a funnel,

So all of the debris shot down the tunnel.

We were in the way – that’s the truth of it;

Not surprising that we got covered in shit.

 

We were well messy, if you get my drift,

But at least it was in blocks we could shift.

As a workforce we looked sad and sorry,

But we loaded it all up on a lorry.

 

So next time you think you might go for a piss,

Listen closely and reflect upon this:

It’s a nice moral I think that you’ll find:

Out of sight ain’t the same as out of mind.

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

Sunday 20 September 2020

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 20th September 2020

 Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 20th September 2020

 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                              

1.      As D-Town comes to terms with the new “Rule-of-Six”, special walk-in workshops and tutorials have been arranged at several venues around the town, in order to help people to understand the whole concept of counting up to six on their hands.  Hampered by only having five digits on each hand, The Vize has suffered disproportionately from Covidiots who cannot work out how many mates they can go to the pub with, how many pints of lager they can sink in one hour, how many ducks they can throw rocks at on The Crammer, how many people they can attack on the way home, and how many kebabs they need to buy to feed six people.  Showings of “Blake’s Seven”, “The Magnificent Seven” and “Seven Brides For Seven Brothers” have all been cancelled at the local cinema because they break the Covid regulations.

 

2.      And local police have been inundated with calls from people dobbing in their neighbours for breaking the new rules.  Local Neighbourhood Snitch schemes have been set up in order to pick up the burden from the Authorities, involving parties of vigilantes armed with pitchforks and burning brands, to “advise” citizens exactly how many people they can have in their back yards for a BBQ.  Other new groups that have sprung up in the past few days include The Curtain-Up Neighbourhood Twitchers (CUNT), D-Town Informants’ Collective Klan (DICK), and the Vize Organised Members’ Information Trust (VOMIT).

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

 

Saturday 19 September 2020

Zero Hour

 Zero Hour

I’m the man that keeps the country going,

I’m a flexible little hero:

I work for every Corporation,

But my contract says only zero.

 

The company controls everything I do:

In fact they make my life impossibly hard.

I’d really like to argue with them,

But they’re holding every card.

 

They demand to command my loyalty,

And would like to have my gratitude,

But I need the minimum wage they’re paying,

If I’m to pay for fuel and food.

 

I stack your supermarket shelves,

With cornflakes, baked beans and cans of beer-o,

And many other things I can’t afford,

But they still treat me like a zero.

 

Shifts are week-to-week and month-to-month:

I never know when there’ll be some work -

I’ve no sick-time off and there’s a pay-freeze:

In fact they treat me like a jerk.

 

Some folks call it exploitation -

That’s only one expression I’ve heard.

They have all the powers over my hours,

So slavery’s probably a better word.

 

I get no holidays that are paid for,

But I’m meant to be of good cheer-o.

My open contract means I can be sacked:

I’m not a person, merely a zero.

 

I serve out your burgers and your fries,

Yet I’m usually totally ignored:

The smell of the grease will never cease -

All this for so little reward.

 

I can’t complain or blow the whistle,

They’d just turn round and laugh,

And next week there’d be no hours to work

I’d no longer be part of the staff.

 

I clean your offices all through the night,

Using chemicals – I’ve got all the gear-o:

That’s how I labour, me and my neighbour:

I’m just a resource, I’m just a zero.

  

There’s nowt I can do – it’s Catch-22,

And it eats away at your soul:

You just can’t beat The Company,

They’ve got me completely under control.

 

I’m no longer a person, I’m a mere cipher,

They’ve made my life a complete bitch:

They only call me when they want me,

As if I’ve got some sort of on/off switch.

 

It’s a bind or a devil’s bargain,

And I’m reduced to living in fear-o:

This is the curse of modern commerce -

No longer a human, but a mere zero.

 

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

Friday 18 September 2020

Burger Anyone?

 Burger Anyone?

Roll up, roll up, come see what they’ve got,

Come to the front and take up your seat -

It’s time for a taste of their new burger,

And to see if it’s anything like meat!

 

They’ve used the best of technology

To create this small in vitro patty.

Research in advanced forms of biology,

And the result, they think, looks quite natty.

 

It was all grown in the test-tube,

From a culture of harvested stem-cells.

They had a great pile, and kept them all sterile,

In a mix of antibiotics and gels.

 

And when they had enough to get hold of,

They added flavourings to give it some taste,

And colourings and other additives,

To produce a pink, soft-textured paste.

 

They moulded it and pressed it into its shape,

Until it was ready for them to bake:

Just the one, single burger, you know,

That cost two hundred thousand to make.

 

The problem is - it don’t seem too appetizing,

Which could be a bit of an issue -

They need to add some fat and some blood,

And a bit more connective tissue.

 

Nor does it look very attractive,

Despite all the science that’s occurred:

It’s small, and wrinkled and brown,

With every appearance of a small turd.

 

But they have to get over that drawback,

To produce something less dingy and curled,

And think of the nutritional benefits ,

If we are ever going to feed the World.

 

We’ve moved from science-fiction to fact,

But we have to think through its release,

Cos tho’ half the planet seems to be starving,

The other half seems to be obese.

 

Is technology really the answer here?

Don’t we need nation to speak unto nation?

To sort out production and distribution,

More than this Frankenstein creation?

  

Do we really want food that’s grown in a lab?

Is that really what we would wish?

By men in white coats with their clipboards,

Staring intently at a Petrie dish?

 

So next time you’re pining for protein,

And you’re panting for something that’s bovine,

Don’t be wishing away animals and farms -

Just think about how you’d like to dine.

 

Of course you can take a different track,

By doing something that’s novel and edgy:

Just give up eating meat altogether,

And accept it’s time to turn veggie.

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

Thursday 17 September 2020

Christmas Cake

Sometime around now, or before end of October, it's time to make Christmas cake.  Any later and there won't be time for it to be properly alcohol-soaked & matured.  This is the only concession I make to things of a Crimbo nature, especially this early in the year.  It's a fair bit of faff, but thoroughly worth it.

Recipe for: CHRISTMAS CAKE

 Ingredients:

  • 1 lb currants
  • 8 oz raisins
  • 1 lb sultanas
  • 6 oz mixed peel
  • 4 oz glace cherries
  • 4 oz shelled almonds (optional)
  • 10 oz butter, warm or softened
  • 10 oz caster sugar
  • 6-8 eggs
  • 12 oz self-raising flour (or plain + 1 tsp baking powder)
  • Pinch salt
  • 2 tsps mixed spice
  • Grated rind of one lemon
  • Juice of one lemon
  • Splash of milk or buttermilk

 Method:

  1. get two big bowls out.  In the first assemble all the dried fruits, nuts & peel.  Put aside.
  2. in the second bowl, put the butter & caster sugar.  Cream them together until light & fluffy.  Be prepared for your arms to hurt a lot while doing this.  While you’re having frequent rests, line & butter a large cake tin with grease-proof paper & set it on a baking tray.
  3. when the creamed mixture is ready, add the eggs one at a time.  It’s easiest to do this by lightly beating each egg in a small bowl first, then adding it.  Make sure each egg is properly incorporated before adding the next.
  4. when all the eggs have been added, gradually sift in the flour, salt & mixed spice
  5. when that’s done add in the lemon & the milk
  6. when that’s done, gradually mix in the pile of dried fruit & nuts from the first bowl
  7. the mixture should now be a solid mass of ingredients held together by the sponge mix.  It should be of a stiff dropping consistency
  8. pile the mixture into the prepared lined cake tin & pat down gently to avoid any major air bubbles.  Smooth the top with a spatula.
  9. bake in a low to medium oven (160C/ 150C fan) for about 3 hours.  It’s hard to be precise, depending on heaviness of mixture.  Test from 2 hours onward with a skewer – if it comes out clean, it’s cooked.  The cake should be browned on the top and the sides just starting to come away from the sides of the tin.  If in doubt, give it another 20 minutes, then test again.
  10. remove to a wire rack to cool completely, then store & begin feeding.

 What else you need to know:

  1.  the cake should be made in August/ Sept if possible because it needs time to mature & to be fed before Christmas.  Store in an air-tight container;
  2. feed the cake weekly.  You can use rum, brandy or sherry or any combination you like.  Prick the cake all over the top with a fork or a skewer.  Use a tea-spoon to gently pour your alcohol of choice into the holes, then re-seal in the cake container;
  3. this cake is wonderful on its own, but is improved when accompanied by a wedge of a white crumbly cheese such as Wensleydale, Lancashire or Cheshire.

 

Wednesday 16 September 2020

Half Way There

 Half-way There

I confess it brought me up short

When I was forced to stop

And think hard about it

But I suppose I should not have been surprised

That even at my modest middle age

I was more than half-way along

Beyond some unnoticed landmark

Some signpost in the fog

Already past the highest peak

And The Great Divide

 

How many more heartbeats

To pump the blood along?

How many more times to fill the lungs

Or exhale once again?

To blink, to dream, to sleep?

 

And is the onward journey

The steps that still remain

On a gentle downhill slope

Towards a comfortable night

Where I can take my rest?

Or more a rapid tumble downwards

A sudden undignified descent

Of a craggy hillside full of stones

Falling, tumbling ever-faster

Towards a sudden painful end?

 

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

Tuesday 15 September 2020

When I'm Runnin' Windows

 When I’m Running Windows

 

Now I go runnin’ Windows

to earn an honest bob

For a home-based worker

It helps me in my job

Now it's a job that just suits me
But you’d be just as mad as me
If you could see what I can see
When I'm runnin’ Windows

The software runs at quite a dash
And it costs me lots of cash
But it always seems to crash
When I'm runnin' Windows

In my profession I'll work hard
And I'll never stop
I'll beat this blinkin’ system
Even if I have to drop

I’ve got my office up in the loft
It’s not the dust that makes me cough
It’s just me cursin’ Microsoft
When I'm runnin Windows

There’s some functions that I lack
Seems I need an upgrade pack
Think I’ll get myself a Mac
When I'm runnin’ Windows

The Operatin’ System’s poor
I’d like to show it to the door
Stop me rollin’ on the floor
When I'm runnin’ Windows

In my profession I'll work hard
And I'll never stop
I'll beat this blinkin’ system
Even if I have to drop

These programs I simply hates
And now I’ve lost all my mates
It’s all because of that Bill Gates
When I'm runnin' Windows

------ banjo ------

Outlook is built to tire us
No-one would ever hire us
Best way to spread a virus
When I'm runnin' Windows

Excel’s a bugger to run
It takes away all the fun
And the sums are never done
When I'm runnin' Windows


In my profession I'll work hard
And I'll never stop
I'll beat this blinkin’ system
Even if I have to drop

The software’s slow and not brisk
Why would I want to take the risk?
It might mangle my hard disk
When I'm runnin’ Windows

 

Now they’re sellin’ Windows Eight

It’s put me into quite a state

It’s the version I love to hate

When I’m runnin’ Windows!

When I'm runnin’ Windows

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020 (with apologies)

Monday 14 September 2020

My God But It's Hot

 My God But It’s Hot

The flags on the flagpoles hang limp

The air’s as dry as sandpaper

The Earth’s turning back into dust

And as the mercury climbs

All my energy’s shot

I’m sweating a lot

My God, but it’s hot!

 

The lawn has turned brown and yellow

And patches have died quite away

The veggies are wilted and small

The Test Match goes on uninterrupted

The heatwave goes on and on

Pleasant it’s not

In fact it’s quite grot

My God, but it’s hot!

 

Everyone’s stripping off & perspiring

We’re getting through gallons of sunscreen

But still our skin’s burning

The Sun’s a bright disc in the sky

Almost like a red dot

I’m sure it’s a dark plot

My God, but it’s hot!

 

The temperature is just “Scorchio”

In French it’s “tres chaud”

In German “sehr heiss”

It could be in Fahrenheit

It might be in Centrigade

The thermometer’s shot

I don’t know what’s what

My God, but it’s hot!

 

The forecast holds no relief

And reservoirs are wasting away

There’ll soon be an end to sprinklers

And a ban on the use of hosepipes

Then the ground will turn to powder

And whatever we’ve got

Even fresh  food will rot

My God, but it’s hot!

 

The fans toil away regardless

But there’s no cooling relief

Yet this is only a Summer

It’s the thing that we wanted

The Winter will be back soon enough

I care not a jot

For that is our lot

My God, but it’s hot!


Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

Sunday 13 September 2020

Drivel from Devizes - Dateline Sunday 13th September 2020

 Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 13th September 2020

 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                              

1.      The Town Council has come out strongly against conspiracy theorists by publishing a number of articles in the local paper “The D-Town Strangler & Throat-Garbler”.  For example it is not true that toilet rolls are imbued with mystical healing powers, nor that face-masks make people look stupid, nor that digital phone masts provide any sort of decent phone signal (5G, 4G or otherwise), nor that Mrs Haskins at No. 43 Long Street is secretly shagging the mayor behind his wife’s back, nor that eating tripe on a Tuesday can give you hiccups.  However the situation on the pope’s religious allegiance, and the toilet arrangements of ursines in the woodland, remains unclear.

 

2.      And the new football season has kicked off, but behind closed doors due to Covid regulations.  D-Town Ramblers played Trowvegas Wanderers at the ground of Old Dribblers and both teams strained to make the slightest impression.  The score ended 0-0, with both teams lucky to score 0.  Only 7 players were sent off, a new low for the opening day of the season, and the match officials only received relatively minor injuries.  Because of the lack of the usual crowd of about 11 people, local hospitals remained quiet.

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

 

Saturday 12 September 2020

Talking At Last To The Taliban

 Talking At Last (To The Taliban)

It’s been a long time

That we have not been speaking

To one another

But I knew what you were thinking

Understood your motives

And got the messages you were sending me

Through the things I saw you doing

 

And I watched the videotapes

Of you broadcasting to the world

And there was communication of sorts

And there were some weasel words

Passed through go-betweens

Because neither of us would admit

To our fiercely loyal friends

That there was ever any contact

 

But now at last we’re talking

It’s all out in the open

And the fighting’s nearly over

Dancing round the subject

Of our long estrangement

And being diplomatic in the desert

Delicate negotiations

Parleying peace terms

Jaw-jaw replacing war-war

 

So why did we wait so long

And let so many soldiers die?

Did so much time really need to pass

And so much blood have to flow

Before we could concede

And yield to the inevitable

That neither of us could ever win?

 

So while the warriors stand aside

And slump exhausted to the ground

Having fought themselves to a standstill

The politicians move in to smooth things over

And we are forced to ask ourselves:

Was it really worth it?

And is there any greater understanding now

Than there was so many years ago

When all this first started?

 

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

Friday 11 September 2020

Manopause

 Manopause

I thought I’d better get on and take action, to counter the loss of libido and sterility,

Between my mid-life and Alzheimers, and to get back some signs of virility.

 

So now I’m a Man Behaving Badly, re-stating what it is to be male -

I’ve started learning guitar and the uke, and I’m growing hair for my pony-tail.

 

The mountain-bike is on order and, ‘cause I don’t want to look like a Charley,

I’m going to get me a motor-bike, which (what else?), must be a Harley.

 

That’s what I’ll ride in good weather, but I’ll need something cooler (of course!),

So I’ve been round to the dealers, and I’ll soon be driving my Porsche.

 

I’m having my ear piercing tomorrow, to show you all that I’m one of the few,

And to complete the picture, next week I’m getting a lurid tattoo.

 

Then I’ll wear my baseball cap with pride, pulling it down low over my eyelids.

(I might have to get some work done there, but I’m determined to get down with the kids).

 

You see it’s not all testosterone and Viagra, and I say this without any compunction,

There’s other ways than hormone treatment to ward off erectile dysfunction.

 

No – the hot flushes and flashes, the irritability and mood-changes can wait -

There’s a lot more to be worried about, like the parlous state of my prostate.

 

I may be losing my hair and my marbles, gradual decline may be a part of the story,

But I’m determined to hang on to my manhood, and go out in a grand blaze of glory.

 

You see some of it may be biological, but it’s psychological, to tell you the truth,

I’m a grumpy old man, sporting a fake tan, and I’m trying to hang on to my youth.

 

So you can all look at me and laugh, as you sit there with your slack jaws,

But I won’t be the one who’s declining - I’m off to defeat the Manopause.

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

 

Thursday 10 September 2020

Rosti-topped Fish Pie

 Recipe for: ROSTI-TOPPED FISH PIE

 

Ingredients:

 

·        300g/ 10 oz waxy potatoes, peeled & halved

·        250g/ 9oz skinless white fish (or any mixture)

·        300ml/ 1/2pt milk

·        50g/ 2 oz butter

·        1 leek, washed, trimmed and finely sliced

·        25g/ 1 oz flour

·        2 tblsp chopped parsley

·        2 tsp Dijon mustard

 

Method:

 

1.      Cook the potatoes in boiling water for 5-7 minutes until almost tender, but firm enough to grate

2.      Drain and refresh under cold running water

3.      Put the fish in a shallow pan and cover with the milk

4.      Simmer for five minutes

5.      Drain the fish, reserving the milk and set aside

6.      Heat half the butter in a small saucepan, and add the leek, cooking for 5 minutes until soft

7.      Stir in the flour and cook for one minute

8.      Turn the heat to low and gradually add the reserved milk, stirring all the time until the sauce thickens

9.      Stir in the parsley and mustard

10.   Heat the grill to high

11.   Flake the cooked fish into a gratin dish

12.   Fold in the parsley sauce and mix gently

13.   Coarsely grate the potatoes

14.   Melt the remaining butter and mix with the grated potato

15.   Pile the buttered potatoes over the fish and sauce, seasoning well

16.   Place under the grill for 5-10 minutes until the potatoes are browning

Wednesday 9 September 2020

Horseshoe

 Horseshoe

The spade bit harshly through the surface

Turning back the earth-dry crust

Revealing a peatier blackness beneath

The gash growing wider as I worked the ground

 

I hit the damned thing hard enough

A sudden clang of metal hitting metal

A solid and unyielding object

Jarring wrist and knee

Provoking curses

 

Dirt-encrusted, I pulled it up

Disengaged it from the soil

That had clasped it close interred

Abandoned, or lost, long ago

The jagged, rusted surface harsh against my fingers

Bent out of shape, nail-impaled

The holes clogged and solid

Yet still a horseshoe

 

And I thought about the foot that had held it

The living flesh upon the hoof

The toe, the quarter, the heel

The weight borne upon the limb

The tendons, ligaments and tissues

The keratin structure that had met the metal

The cornified material that meant that man

Might ride upon his back

Or give him the grip required

To let him pull the cart or plough

And how he must have worked upon this ground

Toiled to earn his daily oats

 

And I saw the farrier in the blacksmith’s yard

The hot-bellowed forge-fire behind him

The anvil, the pincers and the hammer

The nippers and the knife

The clincher and the rasp

His protective leather apron

Spread between his legs

And the sweat beaded upon his brow

The spread of his mighty shoulders

As he sought to pull the horse

To where he wanted him

 

But now this long-buried artefact

This damaged, crumpled crescent

Is but a modern curiosity

Residue of a different world

An age of hard rustic labour

An old talismanic, folkloric object

That might symbolise good luck

Or at least provide a welcome break

From the back-breaking task of digging

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020