Filthy Rich

Filthy Rich

Darling – you won’t believe the trouble I’m having

I’m sure it’ll fill you so full of mirth

It’s no joke being so terribly, terribly wealthy

Being an individual of ultra-high worth

 

People simply don’t seem to understand

How hard it is to get the service one requires

It’s all very well being an ultra-VIP

But it doesn’t fulfil all that one desires

 

There’s more to life than just Waitrose

Or hampers from Fortnum’s to show style

One needs a personal account at Tiffany’s

And to have Harrods on speed-dial

 

Of course one buys one’s Bollinger in bulk

Though discounts are hardly a factor

It’s more a case of the quantities involved

As it won’t all fit in our Chelsea Tractor

 

Naturally we reside in a gated community

The detached country house is very exclusive

Most of the staff live off-site though

Or else their presence might be intrusive

 

The Help includes a butler, and a cook

To manage with less I’d be something of a fool

There’s a full-time cleaner, and two gardeners

Not forgetting the boy who cleans out the pool

 

The property boasts so many bedrooms

That I’ve lost count of just how many

With “his” and “hers” swimming pools

And a personal fitness guru called Penny

 

There’s also a bolt-hole mews house in Belgravia

For when one is simply forced to pop up to town

But occasionally we like to stay at The Ritz

Because it’s too boring to be on one’s own

 

Did I mention the private island near Mustique?

Which we cruise to on board of our yacht?

Yes I know it’s over a hundred and fifty foot long

But it’s the only one that we’ve got!

 

It carries a speedboat, and a submarine

With a gym, a cinema, and a large heli-pad

But we’ve kept the crew down to thirty

And the defensive missile system ain’t bad 

 

We keep a little palazzo in Lombardy

Which we can slip away to in late Spring

Oh – and a condo in Manhattan

Whenever the Big Apple’s our thing

 

We used to have a shooting estate in Scotland

But we found the local accents a drain

And, apart from the midges and haggis,

The only entertainment was watching the rain

 

We used to travel everywhere First Class

But we’ve since commissioned our own private jet

It’s useful for popping to places for ski-ing

In fact there’s almost nowhere we can’t get

 

Our twin daughters, Jocasta and Chlamydia,

Are tucked away in a boarding school for the elite

Taking conversational Italian and Chinese

And learning to play viola, which is quite sweet

 

They have their own personal therapists,

Stylists, publicists, secretaries and so on

With access to exotic spa treatments

And gold-plated iPhones – need I go on?

 

For their next birthdays we have plans –

We’ll hire Elton John to sing Happy Birthday,

Get them some matching designer pets

And maybe a racehorse – what can I say?

 

But now I’m sorry, but I really must dash -

My Wealth Counsellor says he must have a chat

About those space flights my people have booked

You really can’t get more expensive than that!

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022