Courgette & Cheese Soup

Recipe for: COURGETTE & CHEESE SOUP

Ingredients:

• 1 – 2 lbs courgettes, washed & chopped
• 1 large white onion, finely sliced or chopped
• 50g butter
• 1 tblsp olive oil
• 1 tblsp flour
• 1 – 2 pints vegetable or chicken stock
• 100 – 200g mature cheddar cheese, grated
• Fresh herbs – thyme, oregano, parsley, whatever
• 3 – 4 tblsp cream, crème fraiche or greek yoghurt (or milk even)

Method:

1. in a large pan melt the butter & oil, tip in the onion and cook gently for 10 to 15 minutes, stirring occasionally.  Don’t let the onions colour
2. add the chopped courgettes & the herbs, mixing to coat everything with the buttery onions
3. add the flour, and keep stirring to coat everything
4. add the stock, enough to just cover the combined vegetables
5. bring to the boil, then lower the heat, cover & simmer gently for about 40 – 50 minutes.  Add a little extra stock if necessary
6. check that the courgettes are completely soft and that the liquid has thickened slightly
7. remove from the heat, then blitz with a stick-blender until completely smooth
8. return to a very low heat and add the grated cheese.  Stir until completely melted
9. add the cream or yoghurt and stir to incorporate

What else you need to know:

1. great recipe for using up a glut of courgettes.  You can make this soup in large quantities & then freeze it
2. most types of cheese will do instead of cheddar, especially blue cheeses like stilton – anything which can be grated & will melt

Turkish Delight

Turkish Delight

Into the Eastern lands of Anatolia

Hemmed around by ragged Turquoise coastlines

Through the narrow Dardanelles

Amid the seas of Black and Marmara

To Aegean and Mediterranean

Across the Bosphorus via Istanbul

No longer Constantinople, nor yet Byzantium

Sentinelled by soaring Aya Sofia

Once a church turned to mosque

Now monument and testament

To a long and bloody history

And inland a rugged landscape

Of ancient theatres and temples

The architectural artefacts

And stony remnants of many races

From warlike Hittites and their foes

Phrygians, Hellenes, Lycians and their ilk

Greeks, Romans, Kurds and Gypsies

Through many caliphates

And Ottomans of Empire

To the modern state

And legacy of Ataturk

Once, out of mankind’s nursery

In the basin of Tigris and Euphrates

And unknown distant places in the East

Along the ancient silk-road trading route

Carrying cargoes of gold and precious metals

Opium, silks and spices

Knowledge and know-how

Astronomy and astrology

And mystical religions

Came the camel-trains

Calling at the caravanserais

To break their arduous trek

Towards their Western markets

And now the groves of fruits and olives

The piles of teas and spices

The gemstones and the carpets

The flocks of goats and sheep

And the colours, sounds and smells

Of Turkish tastes and flavours

In the bazaars and hamams

Assault the very senses

Yet can give no explanation

Of this modern ethnic melting-pot

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

Royal Visit

Royal Visit

The earliest of starts

To make sure that everyone is on time

With hurried diagonal parking

In the designated distant spot

And the long, hurried walk to the venue

Through the exclusion zone

With its lines of security

The checking of passes

Invitations and identities

To gather with the hoi-polloi

In best bib and tucker

Dressed up to the nines

Whilst pretending not to have made the slightest effort

Men in shiny suits and tightening ties

Women in frocks and high hair-dos

The Lord Mayor in his chain of office

The councillors and dignitaries

Getting hot under their collars

Who pretend not to want to be there

But ready to push to the front when the time comes

And the long, long standing around

Making laboured small-talk

With groups of gathered strangers

Waiting for the clock-hands to creep round

To the long-appointed time

Picking out the obvious security men

With their nervous tight faces, darting eyes

Short haircuts and thick necks

The wires from their walkie-talkies

Curling into the back of their ears

And the smells of fresh paint

Cleaning fluids and laundry

Floating on the air in a floral bouquet

A pre-prepared agenda

A palace-approved programme

The timings down to the minute

In a carefully-choreographed series

Of moves, visits, walks and chats

Through the venue, past the people

And groups of obligatory children

Then a flurry of arrival activity

Sweeping her in and through the doorway

A small head buried within the huddle

An entourage descending

Heads nodding and bobbing

Murmured questions and answers

And the forced amusement of the moment

A flash of a smile and some hair

Between the bodies that surround her

The party moving inexorably forward

In line with the timetable

Orchestrated and organised

Through displays and demonstrations

Exhibitions and presentations

Chatting and stopping

Stopping and chatting

And then she is upon us

Presented to the group

A hand held out limply

For taking and shaking

The couple of questions

Feigning interest in the responses

Ma’am rhyming with jam

Tweedy twin-set and pearls

Bad hair and teeth at close quarters

Before being urged gently forward

By the lady-in-waiting, a hand upon her elbow

Towards the final station of the tour

The speeches and spouting

And the unveiling of another plaque

That will soon replace its predecessor

Inscribed at great expense

By a guilded local craftsman

Using certified recycled materials

And time-honoured traditional skills

Before being whisked away again

Towards the next appointment

In another market town

The special cakes left un-eaten

And the tea and coffee undrunk

Which the rest of us may now fall upon

Before drifting back to our normal lives

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

Night School

Night School (time they offered some more interesting sessions to tempt the jaded palate)

It’s time to brighten up your evenings!

All Welcome! Don’t sit there being uptight!

There’s a new syllabus starting this week,

Tuesday at seven p.m. is orgy night!

You’ll find us to be a real friendly crowd,

Just sign up for a starter session inside,

And after your first hour with the team,

You’ll find no-one’s got much left to hide.

We’ve got the heating turned up cosy and warm,

So there’s no need for you to be thinking,

There’s a risk that your willy will become chilly,

Or that there’s any danger of shrinking.

Beginners don’t need to be shy:

The experienced will show you what to do.

Our guiding text is the Kama Sutra,

But after that it’s mostly up to you!

Intermediate and advanced classes,

Are provided as an education.

No limit on the number of partners,

And we provide free lubrication.

We cater for every possible position,

Men and women in all of their guises:

Forwards, backwards and even sideways,

And there’s no rules on shapes or on sizes!

Whatever kinks you’re into we handle:

All types of frotting, gavotting and knotting,

From complicated sliding and riding,

To quite simple plotting and slotting.

Whether it’s frigging you’re really digging,

Cheer up!  There’s no need to wear that frown -

You can come at it from any direction:

Left to right, inside-out, or upside down.

If you’re hard and firm, or soft as a worm,

If there’s wrinkles and folds, or you’re just lumpy,

We’ve no preference for one or the other,

So long as you’re up for rumpy-pumpy.

All of your body parts are catered for:

Boobs and moobs, bums and tums, legs and thighs,

Whatever ripples, and tipples your nipples

Just go with whatever may arise!

  

It’s all about your participation,

So don’t hang back looking all soppy.

You might get an ovation for your stimulation,

Instead of remaining all floppy and sloppy.

We each have our lengths, and must play to our strengths,

It’s not endurance that wins all the prizes,

But enthusiasm counts for a lot,

And a desire to go with that which arises.

So no need to get yourself stuck in a rut,

But come and join us, you’ll have such a ball!

If you fancy a sess, where there’s plenty of flesh,

It’s Orgy Night at The Village Hall!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

News From Bromham - Dateline Sunday 4th May 2014

Bulletin From Bromham: Dateline – Sunday 4^th May 2014

Here is our weekly round-up of events from Bromham:

1.       One of Bromham’s most notorious and detested characters is starting a life behind bars after being jailed on Friday at Bromham Crown Court for eight years.  Max ‘The Perv’ Piglet showed no remorse after he was led away to begin his sentence.  Piglet was convicted of a string of offences dating back to the 1970s, against a wide range of vegetables, some only in their pods.  He was reported to have lured carrots, parsnips and courgettes into his car, and then forced them into performing sex acts upon him.

2.       And in another story involving Bromham’s Finest, the leader of Sinn Seend, Gerry Piglet, has been released without charge after four days of intensive questioning.  He has denied being involved in the theft and subsequent burial of turnips from a shed in 1972 during the Bromham-Seend hostilities, often known as “The Troubles”.  The turnips were only discovered, after a tip-off, in 2007 – almost 35 years after their disappearance.

3.       For details of these and all other Bromham stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station Carrot FM.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

Disoriented Express

Disoriented Express (didn’t we have a lovely time, the day we went to Blackpool?)

I’m sorry, Your Honour, that I failed so badly,

It’s my own fault for being such a fool,

And I should have known an awful lot better,

Than to go on their day-trip to Blackpool.

They were from the Home of The Bewildered,

They’d only been let out for the one day,

A day without luggage or medication,

A Mystery Tour for their holiday.

The ladies and gents had all boarded the bus,

When, behind me, they closed up the doors.

It was only then that I spotted the sign,

That this was a trip with “Twilight Tours”.

I thought I was being public-spirited,

When I volunteered to go with my Gran,

There on the coach with the old folks,

Only to find I was the youngest man.

They were all in their eighties and nineties,

Dressed up in their wind-cheaters and beige slacks,

And a wide range of woolies and macs,

Were packed and stuffed in the luggage-racks.

We set off for Blackpool, all in good cheer,

But much forward progress was hard to make,

Because every ten miles down the road,

We had to stop for the next toilet break.

Each stop lasted an hour or more,

When the charra we had to disembark.

They needed some help, so came out two by two -

At times, it was like emptying an Ark.

The bus was so noisy, you wouldn’t believe,

Not from the exhaust or from underneath,

But from the vibration of walking sticks,

And the ghostly rattling of false teeth.

There was one geriatric, called Patrick,

A cheeky and mischievous old boy.

He made passes at elderly lasses,

And tried to bring the old dears some joy.

And another crusty, who answered to Rusty,

Ex-military, a dashing old blade.

He made a great fuss all over the bus,

And made great play of his hearing-aid.

  

But the girls were the ones you had to watch,

And for me the trip got rather risky.

Once they woke up from their sleep,

And had their tablets, they were quite frisky.

They might not know what day of the week it was,

Or the meaning of my frightened laughter,

But in their condition, they were on a mission,

And they knew what they were after!

But once I’d barricaded the gangway,

The adventure turned out pleasant and nice,

They couldn’t remember what you’d told them,

And you had to say everything twice.

(I say – YOU HAD TO SAY EVERYTHING TWICE!!)

But I got caught up in the moment,

And my punishment I’ll have to take:

Tho’ the promenade’s a place for fun and games,

The wheel-chair races were a mistake.

In the end I should have known better,

I wouldn’t want you to think that they were abused.

After a whole day in their company,

I think it was me that was really confused!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

Chicken With 40 Cloves of Garlic

Recipe for: CHICKEN WITH 40 CLOVES OF GARLIC

Ingredients:

• 1 free-range chicken, 3-4 lbs (or you can use chicken joints)
• 3-4 whole heads of garlic, separated into cloves, but unpeeled
• 6 fresh thyme sprigs (or other herb such as rosemary)
• 2 bay leaves
• 2 sprigs fresh tarragon (if available)
• 300ml dry white wine
• 1-2 red peppers, de-seeded & cut into wedges (optional)
• 1 large red onion, peeled & cut into large wedges (optional)
• 1 lemon, cut into wedges (optional)

Method:

1. preheat oven to 180C/ fan 170C
2. place the chicken on a rack in a large casserole dish or roasting tray (with lid, or use foil to seal).  Season with salt & pepper
3. if using joints, throw in some red peppers, sliced red onion & lemon wedges (see optional ingredients)
4. arrange the garlic cloves and herbs all around the chicken
5. pour the wine over the chicken, then cover with lid or foil
6. cook for 1½ - 1¾ hours (less for joints) or until the chicken is cooked through & the juices run clear
7. transfer the chicken & garlic to a warmed carving/. Serving dish
8. strain the cooking juices into a warmed jug or gravy boat
9. carve the meat into joints and add any juices to the gravy jug
10. skim off or pour off any fat on the top of the juices
11. serve the chicken joints with garlic cloves & a little of the liquid, handing round the rest of the juices in the jug

 What else you need to know:

1. surprisingly, this is not too garlicky – roasting the garlic cloves makes them go soft & sweet, losing their pungency.  Squeezing out the flesh from the papery cases to add into the chicken juices is delightful.