Courgette

Courgette

It’s a great life having an allotment,

To get your muscles and sinews to harden -

Your produce can be all fresh and organic,

And you can have your own market garden.

 

Of course it’s much more than we can possibly eat,

So there’s loads of it left over, you can bet -

In fact there’s simply too many to use -

Could I possibly offer you a courgette?

 

There’s so many ways that you can use them:

In a flan, or perhaps in a quiche, if you’re in Surrey,

As vegetable wine, or maybe in salad,

Or chopped up small in a nice curry.

 

No, really, we’ve got absolute sack-fulls,

And I’d be forever in your debt.

Try them hot-roasted, or thinly toasted,

But, please, just take a courgette?

 

You can’t really moan, they’re completely home-grown,

But I’ll admit that one’s turned into a marrow.

You won’t believe your eyes, it’s of magnificent size,

And it completely fills up a barrow!

 

We can’t keep up with the harvest, you see,

There’s hundreds of them filling our hut -

All of dubious quality, but such a huge quantity,

You could say that we’re dealing with glut.

 

We’ve wept and we’ve cried,

We’ve moaned and we’ve sighed:

The recipes we’ve tried, cannot be denied

Some we couldn’t abide,

We’ve even had them fried!

My friend said he’d had some…. but he lied!

Then proceeded to run off and hide,

And his wife shut the door, and pretended he’d died!

 

Honestly – these critters are lovely as fritters

How persuasive do I have to get?

Go on – you know that you want one -

Just help me out – and have a courgette?

 

To be honest - the whole patch is over-fruitful:

We’ve got tons of tomatoes, and bundles of beans,

There’s pounds of potatoes, and boxes of beetroot,

We’ve got shed-loads of leeks, and copious carrots,

Plus oodles of onions and pot-loads of peas. 

 

But of all these wonderful veggies,

There’s only one that makes me upset,

So, after all of the seeding and weeding and feeding,

Go on – treat yourself - have a courgette!

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 3rd July 2022

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 3^rd July 2022 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Local politics were shaken to their root this week when town councillor Ivor Bottom-Pincher resigned in disgrace after getting drunk and behaving inappropriately.  Following the scandal last month of a councillor resigning after watching porn on his mobile phone in the Council Chamber, claiming that he was “only looking at tractors”, this latest incident was said have gone much further.  After drinking in a country pub, the councillor is alleged to have climbed over the back wall of the car park and run into local fields where several disgusting and distressing incidents took place, including tractor-fondling, muck-spreader stroking and an indescribable act with a hay-baler.  In a calculated move, Bottom-Pincher, has resigned the whip. 

2.      The effects of the national rail-strikes continue to not affect D-Town.  All railway stations are too far away and too difficult to reach for our commuters, so nothing could really get any worse.  The ongoing normal timetables for bus services continue to be unhelpful by not going to places that people want to go, or at times they wouldn’t want to go there in any case. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

 

Sorry

Sorry – An All-Purpose Apology

Ladies and gentlemen – listen to me please:

There’s a reason that I’ve come here today,

And it’s with a very heavy heart,

That I must spit out what it is that I have to say.

 

I’m deeply sorry for what has happened,

It really should not have occurred.

If there was any way to undo what is done,

I think that’s what I’d have preferred.

 

But we are, unfortunately, where we are:

I have to speak of something that’s not good -

My only plea in slight mitigation,

Is that I was misunderstood.

 

My retraction is totally unreserved,

I hope that any bad feelings can be paused,

I’m looking for some forgiveness here,

And I’m sorry for any offence that I caused.

 

I may have given a false impression,

Of what it was that I really meant.
I suppose that I may have mis-spoken,

That my words came out all tangled and bent.

 

These situations can cause such ill-feeling,

When one party ends up being offended,

So I hope that we can draw a line under this now,

And that any misunderstanding is ended.

 

It’s shame-faced that I stand here before you,

I’m not feeling proud you can bet,

And it’s been a great learning experience,

When all I’ve got to express is regret.

 

So let’s clear the air if we can -

Banish ill-will and things of that guise

I haven’t the foggiest what I’m supposed to have done

But, nevertheless, I’d like to apologise.

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Garden Centre

Garden Centre

Let’s go to the Garden Centre,

Cause I fancy a real cracking day out,

Let’s throw caution to the wind,

Let’s pile in the car together -

We’ll have a great time, without any doubt!

 

It’s signposted from miles away,

With a range of those little brown signs.

The car parks are the size of an airfield,

The traffic all arranged into lines,

It’s a long walk - that can’t be denied,

So then you have to decide, whether to pick up a guide

Or to go with the Park and Ride.

 

Cos the long path weaves around and around,

Till you hear the loud shrieking sound,

Of youngsters in the children’s playground,

Going right past the meerkats’ mound,

And then suddenly you’re found

Near animal corner with its small pets,

Beside the picnic and patio sets,

Ornamental features with water jets,

Fish-pools, fishing equipment and nets.

 

See - it’s not just about plants, or about trees,

And flowers that appeal to the bees,

Cos grandma likes to go to the café for teas,

Where she sits amongst the cabbages and peas:

No – there’s so much more to amuse,

Many more things from which you can choose,

Cos when you finally get to the main complex,

As you poke your head through the swing-door,

Penetrate much further inside the store,

The panorama across the vast floor,

You’re taken on a grand tour,

Across a huge range of departments.

 

By now you’ll be desperate,

So it’s first stop at the toilets,

To prepare you for the rigours ahead,

As through long snaking aisles you’ll be led,

In case you’d like to buy a new bed,

For it has to be said, get it into your head,

Things have changed in these days -

Retail is different in so many ways.

You’re drawn deep into a maze,

It all becomes a thick haze,

A kaleidoscope of offers you’re copping,

A blitz of ideas that are topping,

But it’s tiring, you’re ready for flopping,

You need a rest from all of this shopping….

 

Yes, let’s go the Garden Centre,

Just let me be your mentor -

How much more could you want?

There’s three cafes and a restaurant!

Indulge in their Special Meal Deal,

We can eat and drink whatever we feel,

We can wait for our blisters to heal,

Then we can finally steal…

…Through interior furnishings,

Give the sofas a test, be our guest,

Sit down for a rest, pick out the best,

Then to household wares,

Without any cares, gloves and wellies in pairs

The gift shop with its presents,

Dream-catchers and candles with scents,

Then another quick trip to the gents,

A wide range of new knick-knacks,

Arranged in long tempting racks,

And low-priced multiple packs,

Stationery and multi-coloured tacks,

It’s the unnecessary taken to the max….

 

Oh please, let’s go to The Garden Centre,

Let’s have a wild, mad adventure,

It’s no longer a horticultural bore,
That’s not what it’s there for,

It’s more of a department store,

It’s a Grand Day Out for pensioners,

And those who have nowhere else to go,

A meeting-point for those in the know,

A real destination that puts on a show,

You don’t need to mow, to hoe, or to sow -

Just turn up and go with the flow,

Till you develop a warm glow.

 

Warm in the Winter, and cool in the Summer,

There’s a bookshop, a crèche, a bar to get blotto,

There’s even a year-round Christmas grotto,

A biosphere, a Nature Reserve right here ,

And multiple concession stands,

At week-ends they even have bands!

Finance and credit facilities, building supplies,

Landscaping services, no-one denies,

With tool and machinery hire, this place is on fire!

 

Vouchers and tokens, a loyalty card…

Our pleasure would only be marred,

And it would be too hard, if we were barred

By the security guard….

 

But, look now, it’s started to rain -

Just forget everything I previously said -

Perhaps we should go to the seaside instead?

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Leek & Potato Soup

Recipe for: SOUP –POTATO & LEEK (VICCHYSOISSE) 

Ingredients: 

·        25g/ 1 oz butter

·        2 tblsp olive oil

·        4 medium potatoes, peeled & cut into small dice

·        2-3 small leeks, washed, trimmed & finely sliced

·        1 stick celery, washed, trimmed & finely diced

·        500ml/ 18 fl oz vegetable stock

·        100ml milk

·        100ml cream or yoghurt 

Method: 

1.      Heat butter and oil in a large pan

2.      When foaming add the  diced vegetables and fry gently until soft but not brown

3.      Add the stock & bring to the boil

4.      Reduce heat, cover and simmer for 25-30 minutes until the vegetables are very tender

5.      Puree until smooth with a hand-blender

6.      Return to a (clean) pan and add the milk and cream  (or yoghurt), warming through gently

7.      Adjust seasoning

A Cup Of Coffee

A Cup Of Coffee

Dragging round town is a thirsty business -

I can’t manage shopping for toffee -

So I popped in to one of the chains,

Cause I needed a large cup of coffee.

 

I don’t think that it’s too much to ask,

Just to go to the counter and order a drink,

But it’s a whole lot more complicated these days:

It’s a lot tougher than you’d ever think!

 

Now I don’t count myself as too stupid,

And I think I can make an intelligent choice,

But it was hard to give a straight reply,

In answer to that pre-pubescent voice.

 

“To drink in-house or to take away?

Piccola, media o grande?” she said.

What the hell was she talking about?

What was she doing to my head?

 

“I’ll just have a…. coffee,” I ventured,

“With no sugar, and some cold milk.”

This puzzled the young till-puncher

Who referred to the board and all of that ilk.

 

“Mocha, Flat White or an Espresso?

Americano, Latte, Cappuccino?

Café Caramella or a Hot Chocolate?

Macchiata, or Frappuccino?”

 

Can I have a coffee, with milk please….

 

“Chai latte or Mocha Cortado?

Iced Risretto, with Raspberry Sauce?

Iced Tea, or Belgian Chocolate Cooler?

With Vanilla, or Cinnamon of course?”

 

Just a coffee….

 

“I want to know which milk would you like:

Is that Skinny, Medium or the Full Fat?

We also have soya, almond or cream?

Which one do you want out of all that?”

 

Just ordinary milk….

 

“And what temperature would you like it?

Fridge-cold? quite hot? or all silky steamed?

In the coffee? on the side? iced or just frothed?”

She looked at me and she beamed.

 

I don’t really know…

 

“And there’s the topping to consider:

Fruit sprinkles or hazelnuts roasted?

Chocolate, cinnamon or gingerbread?

Or even marshmallows all toasted?”

 

Really….?

 

“How about an extra shot for a change?

Summer Fruit Punch or a Piccino?

Play with flavours, the foams and the finishing

Or can I tempt you to a Babyccino?”

 

I’m not sure…

 

“It all depends on how you like your caffeine:

Velvety smooth or all rich and thick?

All dressed and drizzled – it’s your choice -

Our Five-Star Barista knows every trick!”

 

Er, look….

 

“You must understand our philosophy:

To Freetrade Independents we’re quite bound,

And Rain-Forest Alliance producers,

Of single-estate beans, simply roasted and ground.”

 

“To give you a hand-crafted beverage,

Of artisanal dexterity and thence,

Whilst within our establishment,

A total bean-to-cup experience!”

 

I have to admit this whole “concept” had me beaten,

I felt that I’d run right out of luck,

I muttered “No Thanks” and fled from the shop,

And went for a pint in The Old Dog And Duck.

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

What Made Britain Great

What Made Britain Great

How great is our civilisation?

And the evolution of mankind?

How advanced is our technology?

A superior species I think that you’ll find.

 

How far spread the great British Empire?

When the world map was covered with pink?

Where the Sun never set upon our Dominions,

We were at our greatest I think.

 

But, to what could we ascribe this grandeur?

What driving force took us so far?

Was it the invention of fire? Or the wheel?

Of steam power?  Or of the motor car?

 

Yes they were important, I’ll agree,

Their places in history are taken,

But surely more vital to any progress

Was the idea of a sandwich – with bacon!

 

Who first thought to cure the meat of the pig?

In a mixture of spices and brine to soak it?

To give it the gift of preservation,

And then to go on, and to smoke it?

 

What’s better than the smell of pork cooking?

An aroma that forces the senses to waken -

A sure cure for vegetarianism,

Is the grilling or frying of bacon!

 

Two slices of white buttered bread,

And great dollops of brown sauce,

Rashers of streaky, with the fat running,

Is a feast for a king, the very best course.

 

Yes, they invented a prime delicacy –

About that you must not be mistaken.

Crisp slivers of meat with a rind on,

The heavenly substance known as bacon.

 

So get yourself a flitch or a roll,

Don’t leave yourself God-forsaken,

It’s not something for faking,

Forget all about baking,

You know that you’re aching,

A bap or a butty to be making,

The thing to eat upon waking,

The very best meal to be taking

Yes, the force of the Universe….is bacon!

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022