Pope Benedict today astounded all his fans and critics
alike by suddenly announcing his resignation from The Papacy Ltd. He will step down from the end of February
2013 to make way for a younger man. The
Roman Catholic Board of Cardinals will meet to vote in a successor, following a
world-wide head-hunting exercise. It is
thought that the resignation follows a Board-room bust-up with several
non-executive directors of the organisation.
His resignation note was issued, as is usual in papal
circles, in Latin, and merely read: “Nil Carborundum Desperandum” (Don’t Let
The Bastards Grind You Down). He is also
reported to have Tweeted recently: “In Loco Parentis” (My Father Is An
Engine-Driver).
The Pope, better known as Ratty Ratzinger by his huge
following of conscripted fans, has claimed that he is tired of dressing up in
medieval clothes, of spending too much time kneeling, and being forced to attend Mass several times
a day. It is thought that he wants to
spend more time with his family, a coded reference to the need to resign from
office before the full impact of a range of political, social and economic storms
breaks over the Papacy.
Resisting calls for reform and modernisation at the
organisation’s Rome-based HQ in St Peters’s, Ratzinger typically took a conservative
hard line with what he described as “woolly-minded socialist lefties” over such
normal modern issues as contraception, abortion, gay rights and freedom of
speech. He was also known for issuing
uncompromising press-releases, known as Pure Bulls, to his employees and
customers.
He is expected to be paid a huge bonus, a “golden
good-bye” by the RC Remuneration Committee, as well as his salary and a range
of Indulgence Options, in recognition of his skilful steering of the RC
Organisation through the choppy waters of the worldwide child abuse scandals,
and their subsequent cover-up. Ratzinger,
85, is also widely credited with improving profitability and free cash-flow at
Vatican Inc, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Papacy Holdings, by amassing even
further cash and gold reserves at the expense of millions of poor Catholics
worldwide.
The share-price of Vatican Inc rose slightly on world
markets.
Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2013
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