Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 21st June 2020
Here is our weekly
round-up of events from D-Town:
1. The
Town Council have lowered the Bloody-Worried Threat Level from 4 to 3. This means that citizens can stop being
completely & utterly bemused and confused, and start being merely somewhat bemused
and confused. Social Distancing has been
reduced from 2 metres to 1.78 metres (which is about the length of one dead
body, where the corpse has died of Covid). It has been clarified that “face
coverings” still means something that covers the mouth and nose, and not Lone
Ranger masks (which only cover the eyes), gimp masks, bondage gear or sacks
which cover the whole face. Hand sanitiser is only to be used at the entrance
to shops, not as a sex-aid or lubricant.
2. And
on Fathers’ Day, many local businesses are out delivering special gifts that
have been ordered online by the recipient’s children. These include gift boxes of tripe and
lemonade sandwiches, liver and onion scones, sprout and anchovy trifle, chicken gizzard crisps and cans/
bottles of HP & ketchup beer. That’ll
teach the old buggers to live this long.
3. A
row has broken out after it was revealed that the Mayor is having his official
milk-float repainted in the civic colours of purple stripes, and pink spots on
a green background. The cost to
rate-payers is estimated to be almost £12.50, but would have been more if the
mayor’s brother’s cousin had not been able to obtain paint at knock-down prices
after a sale at B&Q. When asked how
big the queue was at the hyper-market, he stated that it was about six foot –
the same size as the “B”.
Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020
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