Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 28th June 2020
Here is our weekly
round-up of events from D-Town:
1. Joy
was unconfined in the borough during the week when thirty years of hurt were
finally brought to end. On Thursday
night D-Town Ramblers were finally declared Champions of West Wiltshire Level
Five (Germolene) League without even kicking a ball. Their closest rivals Trowvegas Allstars
failed to avoid defeat at Melksham Ramblers, thus rendering the points chase
all over. Most teams in the League have
now been docked points for various breaches of the regulations, including
fielding ineligible players, betting on results, urinating on the goal-posts,
foul and offensive language from coaches and players, and failure to serve
those nice little oranges at half time.
Ramblers won by dint of being docked less points than their rivals. Having only won three of their forty games,
the team did well to finish on only minus 26 points. They will now play in West
Wiltshire Level Four (Germolene) League next season. Supporters celebrated for nearly forty
minutes by wandering the empty streets, standing outside all the closed pubs
and licking the windows.
2. But
shame was present in equal quantity after people largely ignored police appeals
to stay away from the Wharf-side of the canal.
The place was packed with nearly a dozen people sunbathing, swimming in
the pollution-infested canal, and eating ice-creams. A police spokes-personoid stated “this easing
of lockdown conditions has now reached the point where no one person actually
understands what all the rules are. Only
herd mentality is now possible. Whilst
we know that the restrictions on the worst aspects of idiocy and fuck-wittery
have now been lifted, no-one is quite sure what the new normal level of idiocy
should be, or how the new standard of fuck-wittery can be achieved.”
Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020
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