Job Application - Archbishop of Canterbury

Retirement is starting to pall on me, so I thought I'd better get off my bum & do something.  As Rowan Williams has announced that he's resigning his post as Archbishop of Canterbury, leader of all Anglicans world-wide, top banana in the C of E etc etc, I thought I'd get my job application in early.  Here it is in poetic form.

A Canterbury Tail

So the Very Reverend’s moving on,

He’s had enough – that’s very plain to see:

He’s handed in his resignation,

And created a welcome vacancy. 

The seat at Canterbury’s waiting,

The highest position, right at the top.

Soon they’ll advertising the post,

Looking for their newest Archbishop.

So I thought I’d better get in early,

And demonstrate that I’m capable.

Let’s run through the highlights of my CV,

And lay all of my cards on the table.

I could do all of the things that he did:

I’d be good at being an Anglican,

I could pontificate on world affairs,

Yes – I could be the church’s Ethics Man. 

I’d do well, as an Evangelical,

I could ride round in a bishop’s carriage,

I’d have a view, on everything new,

And pronounce on the subject of gay marriage. 

I’d be a beast, frocked as a priest,

I could lead the world-wide congregation.

I’d be a gent, at the sacraments,

Burial, marriage, and ordination.

I’d be a rock, supporting my flock,

Spreading the word with great gentleness,

And I’d gladly accept female vicars-

Well, I’d have to – since I’d be wearing a dress. 

I’d be a zealot, acting the prelate.

My archdiocese would be boisterous.

I’m dying to live in Westminster Palace,

A place that’s holy, and cloisterous. 

I’d preach sermons, mostly in German,

I’d make the world look much rosier,

And I’d be a fighter, wearing my mitre,

My alb, my robes and a crozier. 

I’d put handles on liturgical candles,

There’d be a new hymn-book and a psalter.

I’d be among the throng at Evensong,

As I walked up the nave to the altar. 

There’d be preaching and bible teaching,

Dawkins and Hitchins would soon see,

That I’d be a force to be reckoned with,

If I was to lead out the C of E. 

The sceptics would be dyspeptic,

My message would become caustic,

As I put to flight the disbeliever,

The atheist, and the agnostic. 

I’d be a leopard, if I was the shepherd,

Of the faithful, as they quietly prayed.

There’d be no consternation at my confirmation,

And the great organ merrily played.

I wouldn’t be nervous, at Morning Service.

Schism and heresy won’t be ignored

Go hell for leather, as we all say together,

“Andy for Archbishop – and Praise The Lord!”

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012