One-Way Ticket (to Mars)
I was looking for a new challenge, something to banish
senility’s fears,
When I spotted the advertisement, a way to spend my
retirement years.
It said they were looking for astronauts, to head on out
into deep space,
So I signed myself up for the training, and entered into the
space race.
They had a great vision for mankind: to journey towards
the stars.
We’d be taking off from the Earth - it was a mission to
colonise Mars!
Yes, we were setting off for the Red Planet, to establish
a colony, or a base-camp,
Like the pioneers in the days of old, I felt like
Columbus as I mounted the ramp.
The blast-off was truly spectacular, as our rocket rose
towards the night sky,
And Mission Control raised a big cheer, as they sadly
waved us good-bye.
Then we pulled out of Earth’s gravity and, as we
carefully avoided The Moon,
It hadn’t yet even occurred to me that I’d become a
hostage to fortune.
You see, when a man settles down for a while, and there’s
no alcohol on board, no drinking,
His thoughts turn to existential matters, and that’s when
I got round to some thinking.
If we’ve dropped all of our boosters, and we’re voyaging
in this tin can,
How are we going to get back from Mars? Won’t we be stuck
there, to a man?
I voiced my concerns to the captain, and mentioned it to
the rest of the crew,
But they all just fell about in their laughter, and said
that they thought that I knew!
It turns out that this is a one-way journey! I’ve been issued with a single ticket!
There’s no possible way to return: well, I mean, that’s
simply not cricket!
I knew that it would take a long time, if mankind was to
make a great mark,
But I didn’t realise how final it was, that day when I’d
turned up to embark.
We’re to be the first of our species to land on Mars –
that’s our true fate,
And if we survive our arrival, our next job will be to
pro-create!
Now I’ve had a look round at the rest of the crew, and
there’s none I’d want go out with on a date,
So it could be a long, lonely existence if I’m the only
one not taking a mate.
There’s one girl who’s been looking at me, and paying me
lots of attention,
I think I know what’s on her agenda, I think I can spot
her intention!
So here I am, trapped in this spaceship, with only the
Sun’s gravity to tow it,
Heading off to a fate worse than death – it’s space, Jim,
but not as we know it.
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