A Thief In The Night

A Thief In The Night

Awoken by a bump in the night, a noise I wish could have resisted,

I didn’t want to investigate, but the wife – she’d insisted.

So, armed with what first came to my hand, I crept quietly down the stair,

Clutching a pair of her curling tongs, to discover who might be there.

There was a light on in the kitchen - so there was the criminal joker!

I shouted out - just to warn him: “Hey! I’m armed with a ruddy big poker!”

I heard a noise, so I thought perhaps he’d gone, and dashed bravely in, to chase off the thief,

But the sight that met my eyes, was one that beggared belief.

The youth, he was just sitting there, in the chair, as calm as can be,

Helping himself to some cornflakes - with cold milk, as far as I could see.

He didn’t look so threatening, slumped at the table, almost dejected,

He didn’t have the traditional look of the cat-burglar I’d expected.

He wasn’t armed and dangerous, and there was no sign of a mask,

He didn’t have a long stripey jumper, nor bag marked “swag” to help in his task.

He wasn’t alarmed to see me; in fact, he didn’t even frown,

But said: “Calm yourself, Grandad! - and put those curling-tongs down!”

I said: “A man’s home is his castle – about that, you need to be clear,

You shouldn’t be eating my cornflakes - in fact, you shouldn’t even be here!”

He said that, as I was a reasonable sort, he could guess how I must feel,

That he didn’t have the heart to burgle, and from me he’d better not steal.

Seems house-breaking’s not all it’s cracked up to be, the risks hardly make it worth-while,

And biting dogs and alarm systems were really cramping his style.

By the time I’d heard his story, I could see things from his side,

And felt so very sorry for him, well, I very nearly cried.

I saw him out through the door, once he’d had a good rest,

I hoped he’d do well in the future, and then I wished him “all the best”.

I locked the door behind him, reflecting on what we’d both said,

And, knowing that crime doesn’t pay, made my way happily, back to bed.

It was next morning that I discovered my wallet and keys had been lifted -

He’d been back again in the night, and all my valuables shifted.

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2016