Stormin' Norman

Stormin’ Norman

We’re British and we’re big and brave,

And winter storms hold no fear for us:

We expect the Atlantic to lash our shores,

Bringing wind and rain and snow, and thus

We’re sanguine when we hear the weather forecast,

And we face it all with a stiff upper lip,

When another cold front moving eastwards,

Means Winter will hold us in its grip.

But the Asians flaunt tropical storms and cyclones,

And Americans sport tornadoes and hurricanes,

And they make them sound much more frightening,

By christening them all with stupid names,

And now it seems we’re climbing on the bandwagon:

We’re anthropomorphising like crazy -

The Met Office is assigning these things,

Which means the newspapers can get kinda lazy.

When Abi-gail blew in she brought a gale,

And Barney was described as “fighting”,

Clodagh came and went anonymous,

But was Desmond really frightening?

They talked of Eva just in passing,

And Frank was good and open,

Gertrude simply blew and blew,

So for Henry they’re really hopin’

For something more spectacular,

Something that’ll really justify its name,

A great big storm that creates a memory,

A furious lashing that deserves its fame.

But I’m not sure they’ve really thought this through -

Those meteorological bods have made an error:

With names like Imogen, Jake, Katie and Lawrence,

How are any of them ever going to introduce terror?

We’ve got to get through Mary, Nigel and Orla,

Then Phil, and Rhonda and…..Steve!

I mean who’s going to take them seriously?

Who are you going to believe?

So once we’ve used up Tegan, Vernon and Wendy,

(Notice there was no Q, U, X, Y or Z),

Let’s crank up the imagination levels,

And use handles to inspire some dread!

 My suggestions include Attila and Barabbas,

Crusher, Destroyer, Eagle and Fletcher,

Gorilla, Hercules, Ichabod and Jeremiah,

Are these a bit better – you betcha!

How about Killer, Lasher and Mephistopheles?

Nasty Norman, Odysseus and Pit-Bull?

Quasimodo, Rampant and Slayer?

Names that say it all really – in full!

Tiberius, Ulysses, and Voldemort?

Winston, Xerxes, Yogi and Zebediah?

Monikers of brimstone and fire!

Bad boys that are fearsome and dire!

So let’s cast off our British reserve,

Stop poncing about like wall-flowers,

Let’s get braver upon the world stage,

And join the storm-naming super-powers!

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2016