Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 11th April 2021
Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:
1. Great sadness in The Vize this week when it was announced that the Duck Of The Crammer had died, aged 99 months. Swans bent their necks in tribute and trousers throughout the town were worn at half-mast. Birdlife on the surface of the pond came to a standstill for several minutes. The body was ceremonially removed to be laid out at Roses the butchers, and will lie in state until next Saturday, when it will cooked and carved. Members of the public are requested not to attend, as there will not be enough to round.
2.
The re-opening
of the hospitality industry tomorrow, particularly pubs and restaurants, is
being eagerly awaited by the citizenry. Pubs have been busy boarding up windows
and doors, in an attempt to keep out the teeming crowds of lager-swilling
louts. Restaurants will refuse to answer
the phone, or respond to email requests to book tables, in an ill-judged and
vain attempt to avoid being overwhelmed on the first lunchtime of the week.
Hairdressers, however, will open at midnight in order to get ahead (geddit?) of
the hirsute, hairy hordes of shaggy-headed customers.
Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2021
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