Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 2nd June 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 2^nd June 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      As the General Election campaign drones on into its second week, and the citizenry of D-Town slowly loses the will to live, the competing parties have stepped up their various games in a futile attempt to grab the attention of the electorate.  The Tories will introduce hanging and flogging, even for minor offences.  Labour will tax the windfall profits of gibbet and stock-makers, and the Lib Dems are going to have a jolly good think about it all.  Awaiting the formal release of the official party manifestos in the next couple ofweeks, D-Town residents have been observed entering their garden bomb shelters to avoid party canvassers, taking down satellite dishes to avoid all media news input, and boarding up their houses to avoid the delivery of political leaflets. 

2.    And as the long two-day Summer continues to stretch Britons to the limit, there is a bumper festival of sport to look forward to.  The D-Town cricket T20 team has jetted off to the other side of Swinetown to compete in the All-Wiltshire finals, where they are expected to be heavily defeated in all four of their first-round matches, and be back home in time for the next Bank Holiday.  Similarly the hopes of an entire town go with DFC as they strive to make a mark in the South of England football finals.  Star players such as Justin Thyme, Alf Resco and Terry Fide will seek, yet again for the 44^th time since 1966, to bring “it” home. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 26th May 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 26^th May 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The General Election campaign has got underway at a local level, with all parties vying to publish the most eye-catching policies.  The first blow has been struck by the Tories who want to bring back National Service.  In a direct dog-whistle to their gammon demographic, the party has further announced a whole raft of back-up measures, including the re-employment of small children to climb the chimneys of D-Town’s Grade 2-listed buildings, and a gradual move back towards the good old days of malnutrition and rickets. 

2.    DIA (D-Town International Airways) has apologised to passengers who were caught up in last week’s flight from D-Town to Chipping Sodbury (change for Basingstoke) which was caught in “unexpected” turbulence over the Cotswolds.  A spokesman for the airline said that it fell far short of its normal standards.  “We pride ourselves on flying through expected turbulence and giving our passengers an experience they’ll never forget,” he said.  “But this particular turbulence had not been booked or scheduled by us, and we shall be having a frank exchange of tea and biscuits with the Met Office”. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 19th May 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 19^th May 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      People across the UK were making a big deal of seeing the Aurora Borealis this week.  For D-Town this was nothing new at all.  People in The Vize have been seeing flashing lights in the sky for years, usually after falling out of the pub following the consumption of several pints of Waddie’s “Skullcrusher” IPA.  This local delicacy is made using water drawn from the less-than-pristine waters of the K&A canal, and traditionally served in a dirty glass. 

2.    And the new series of “Dr. Who” has landed on UK TV screens.  Again this is nothing of much remark to our benighted locals, who have been living in the past for years.  Anyone will tell you that passing through the portals of The Exchange Nightclub is equivalent to threading through a space/ time continuum, where you will meet strange, inexplicable alien creatures who have difficulty expressing themselves to mere humans.  

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 8th May 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 5^th May 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Following Russell Brand’s “totally sincere” conversion from Buddhism to Christianity, and consequent baptism in the River Thames (a true case of a shit within the shit), it has been revealed by a local newspaper hack that when the moral pariah lived in D-Town in one of his previous many lives, he had previously converted from toe-rag to twat-face, from narcissist to self-publicist, and from utter plonker to absolute knob-head.  The Pope is said to be so disgusted by the news that he is thinking of converting from Roman Catholicism to Methodist Fundamentalist.  And at least one colony of bears has refused to enter the local woods. 

2.    And people partied in the streets of The Vize almost up until the 9.30pm curfew, as they celebrated a swing of almost 0.0001% in the voting for local Police Commissioner, returning a Tory candidate for the 347^th time in a row.  In a record turnout of almost 11% the role was retained by the Tories, snatching victory from Labour and Independent candidates by almost 7 votes.  If this result were reflected in the anticipated upcoming General Election, the good people of D-Town will be electing a turd with a blue flag sticking out of it. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 28th April 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 28^th April 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Finally, after many weeks of “Council ping-pong”, civic tennis, and corporate croquet, a local by-law was passed which will allow people arrested for drunk and disorderly offences in the Market Place to be loaded onto the last 49 service of the night to Swindon.  A bus company has now been found that is prepared to run the service, and huge amounts of “finance” (aka slush money) have been paid to Swindon council to allow the transfers to take place.  The whole issue was held up for several months when the local judiciary declared that Swindon was “not a safe place”.  Whilst this has always been self-evidently true, and no-one would ever voluntarily want to go to Swindon, for the purposes of the new by-law, Swindon has now been declared to be a land flowing with milk and honey. 

2.    And howls of protest have been issued by D-Town FC, and some of the even lower-league local clubs, to the news from the FA that in future there will be no replays in the First Round of the FA Cup proper.  Whilst none of the affected clubs have ever reached that far in the entire history of the competition, it was felt that an important principle was at stake.  Memories were evoked of the famous 6^th qualifying round of 1897 when TrowVegas Tremblers were held to a 0-0 draw by local favourites Caen Hill Casuals.  These two amateur sides then spent over six months and 15 replays to finally decide the tie, Caen Hill finally emerging victorious.  In the next much-delayed 7^th qualifying round, they were then defeated 36-0 by a bunch of blokes from The King’s Arms in Poulshot. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 14th April 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 14^th April 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Citizens of D-Town have had a monumental week, and have been forced to stand back in awe to admire the mighty force of Nature in action.  On Wednesday crowds gathered to marvel at the spectacle of the single-decker town bus being completely eclipsed by the double-deck 49 as it passed through town in its transit towards TrowVegas.  Not until 2037 is this perfect alignment of the two services on London Road bridge expected to occur again.  As if this were not enough, on Thursday another phenomenon occurred.  The continuously smoking pile of rubbish that is the town dump began emitting almost perfect smoke circles.  Accompanied by coughing tip workers, and clouds of choking fumes, the rings were seen to ascend high into the air above Etchilhampton, before dissipating themselves into the atmosphere. 

2.    And a man from The Vize has claimed to be the first idiot to run the entire length of the A342.  After arriving at the end of the road near Salisbury Plain, the man (named Luke Leaner) claimed to be “a bit tired”, and that he had been inspired to do something so difficult, and yet pointless, by the sight of the D-Town Council leader being interviewed whilst wearing a pair of expensive Adidas Samba trainers.  “Anything that man can do to destroy the credibility of the brand, I can do much better,” he claimed.  He was later arrested by police and charged with “loitering near a pedestrian crossing with the intention to cross road”. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 31st March 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 31^st March 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Official protests have been lodged with the Embassy of The Populist Republic of Trowvegas, after it was discovered that pirated copies of D-Town TV television programmes had been doctored to portray a different and warped view of normal practices in The Vize.  Pictures of feral yoofs had been deep-faked  and ;pixelated to hide their knives and bikes (which are banned in TPRT because of their decadent capitalist connotations), and portraying such individuals helping old ladies across the road, stroking cats and dogs, and behaving well in school.  An enraged D-Town spokesperson said “this is a total misrepresentation.  In D-Town we allow feral yoof to run free and unhindered. These faked positive images give completely the wrong impression.” 

2.    And D-Town’s police force will now be able to grow facial hair.  The rules will be that moustaches and beards must be clipped and kept neatly, properly groomed, and not so long as to interfere will normal operational duties.  The men in the force will also be allowed to do the same. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024