Fifty Shades of Gravy

Fifty Shades of Gravy (a modern romance)

How long have I loved thee my darling ? –

I guess it was since I was but a mere child,

But the slightest thought of devouring you,

Is guaranteed to drive me quite wild! 

For this is a very serious subject,

And, I don’t like to seem naughty or coarse,

But we’re talking about that sticky stuff,

Which some numpties still refer to as “sauce”.

I hate it when things are all watery -

To have it like that is surely a sin,

It needs to have some kind of substance,

It serves no purpose if it’s too thin. 

It just slips off all over the place,

And everything starts sliding around,

It doesn’t keep the right things together,

You need something thicker, I’ve found. 

You see it has to have the right texture,

And about this I know I’m quite picky,

But if it doesn’t have enough body,

It’ll never stand up and be sticky. 

Without it, things just won’t move along,

And you’ll be left wondering why,

And if it’s not adequately lubricious,

You’ll find everything tends to be dry. 

A lack of lubrication’s a problem,

And can render you exceedingly grumpy,

The thing you don’t expect when you get down to it,

Is for it all to feel terribly lumpy. 

And if the flavour’s not tasty enough,

It can leave you feeling quite queasy,

And the last thing you want at this juncture,

Is something that’s oily or greasy. 

It’s got to be configured just right,

For the appetite it needs to induce,

To bring forth great oral pleasure,

You must have plenty of juice! 

No, you can’t have it too firm or too runny,

Such liquid upon you I just wouldn’t foist,

But something for the meat and two veggies,

It’s best to have everything flowing and moist. 

Yes the moisture derives from the meat,

It’s what you need, if you’re to have dripping,

The jus and the fat come together,

And it’s like on nectar you’re sipping. 

Of course, I speak not of jelly, but gravy,

Made with Oxo, Bisto or browning,

Where on your plate there’s an ocean or lake,

And the roast spuds are waving, not drowning. 

So, I appeal to you ladies out there,

If you want something that’ll cut the mustard,

Make sure you’ve got plenty of gravy,

And avoid shark-infested custard!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012